2020: A year of gratitude and reflection

I imagine that many a blog, diary entry, vlog, and reflective thought will be created as 2020 closes its doors.

Never has there been a year in my lifetime which has warranted so much change, resilience, compassion, understanding, and in the most simplest form - humanity.  

I think there are many who feel cheated by Covid as it aggressively lays tracks to storm into our new year. There's thoughts that it was never meant to last this long, that it should have been finished by now and that all we had to do, was get to the end of the year. But, as we know, 2021 is looking as hard and if not harder than this year. 

At the start of the year, the talk and news of the new virus which was ranging through Wuhan in China was considered just to be a bad flu - that "thousands of people die every year from flu," and the then dreaded words - "It's not as bad as what they are saying.... it's the media". I know that I said those things and at the beginning thought it was just being exaggerated. I was wrong. We all were.

In March, I recorded a work video asking people to support their local businesses as much as possible, as the threat of closures and lockdowns were forming. I took my laptop and went to work at the Storyhouse in Chester, one of my favourite places to sit and work. I enjoyed a sticky bun, got loads of work done, and felt happy that I had done my bit to support the industry in which I work and that I love.  That evening Boris threw us into a national lockdown. Our Mother's Day meal out became a take-away roast dinner from Elephant Lounge.

I remember saying to my mum that my life hadn't really changed during the first lockdown. I am at the other end of the country from my family, I work from home and work alone, I have a small handful of close friends and I don't really have much of a social life! It is me and V in our little bubble and it always has been. At that point mum said, "aww that's a little bit sad" So life in lockdown didn't really feel too much of a change - it was a 'welcome to my world' moment. 

The biggest change was homeschooling. V and I started really well and we did for about 4 - 6 weeks, That was before the days and weeks merged into one. On the first day of homeschooling, I suggested she wear her school t-shirt so that it felt that she was spending the day learning - so she would be in the right mindset (a bit like how I approach work!) But that lasted one day!

First Day of homeschooling - 23rd March

At work, we created a weekly planner - mainly as a tool to help me as a single parent be organised and juggle schooling and work. We did 6 weeks of these before the days were more of a free for all in terms of learning! But we tried and we did it. We made sure we had break time and some activity. We started the morning walking around the block so we left home and returned to 'work'. I got creative in the garden with learning - plenty of games with chalk. 

But as the weeks went on, the routine and structure became more and more 'fluffy'. V did school work and she did plenty of it, in fact, she has a ring binder full of work, but she did it in short bursts with plenty of play in between. My biggest guilt was not being able to play with her. She had days, especially in the early weeks when she would cry and sob because she missed her friends. As an only child, she doesn't have a sibling to play with for company and to fill the gaps. It was heartbreaking to see and many a time we were sobbing together, trying to navigate the 'new normal'.

I could go on and on about what has been hard, but instead, I would rather focus on the personal highlights from 2020 and what I will remember about the pandemic year:

• When the restrictions eased - taking V to Eastham Country park to climb trees - something V was keen to do and learn. We also went to Delamere to do the same.
• On some evenings we would go to Caldy beach or Leasowe Beach - the feeling of sand between our toes and the sea was just what we both needed after feeling agitated with each other.  
• One of the highlights was surprising V with a Maccies when they re-opened. We waited in the drive-thru queue for an hour but her face on getting a nuggets Happy Meal was absolutely worth it. It has been very much about the simple pleasures and being grateful for them. After the Maccies we came back and danced in the office together to the Courteeners - laughing loads and feeling on top of the world.
• In July, Dad came up to stay as soon as hotels were able to open. It was the best seeing him and then beginning of August, we were able to head south for the first time since the pandemic. It was a proper little holiday made even more special because of seeing family. 
• Afternoon Tea at Oddfellows in Chester - a treat for us both as part of the Eat Out to Help Out scheme. 
• Facetiming mum weekly - she would never do it before but this year has forced her to embrace the video call so it never feels like we don't see her. The same with all my family. 
• Walking with friends - so many new places discovered from the endless walking because that was all we could do - the canals in Chester, Delamere, Moel Famau, Chester.. and Chester again.
• Hiring Wilma the Campervan for my birthday and due to more restrictions and lockdowns we could only go to Chester Lakes - but it didn't matter. It was the best mini-break with V and one we will be repeating. 
• A chilled Christmas - just the two of us. As much as I missed my family, it has been a total break for V and me to stay at home and have Christmas just the two of us. I have been lazy, relaxed and able to do all the things I wanted... i.e. snoozing on the sofa after an epic feed! 

Now onto work. This has been a significant year for the business. I have never fought and pushed so hard. All that I asked of the team was to show up every day, be seen and be active - which they all did and it worked. I became a leader - the type I have wanted to be. I have had to make hard decisions, which in the end were the easy decisions because we would not have had a business otherwise. 

The impact on tourism and hospitality and our clients has been devastating to see and at times the team and I have been in tears. But we showed up, we did all that we could and can. 

This year we have become the marketing agency I wanted us to be. We've lost people but also gained team members. I realised that I don't need a big team and in fact, I don't want a big team. All that I have ever done for the business has been for everyone else -, not me! I have started to take back some of that and fall in love again with my business and vision. 

I have had help, Laura has been an absolute rock of a colleague and we have built something very special and that we are both proud of. We are ending the year on 12 retainer clients - when last year, we ended on 4! Some projects have been lost, such as the Southampton Pocket Guide, but this needed to happen, to make way for the work we want to do. 

We gained respect this year and that has always been one of the key things for me - to be taken seriously and recognized for what we do. 

I know that the tough times are still ahead. Today marks another series of tier 4 lockdowns to try and curb the new variant. Businesses can't keep opening and closing - they won't survive it much more. I read somewhere this morning that pandemics have 8 waves, EIGHT?? how can we continue like this. But, we have to, we must.  

With the new vaccines now in circulation, there is hope. I would be lying if I wasn't concerned about having it - what the long term effects might be.

This year has been the biggest shift and change. I have let go of the thoughts and feelings that no longer serve me.  Since September I have been part of the Miracle Morning club (!! I know I know!) but that hour in the morning to think, journal, meditate and just be calm has helped me to stay where I need to be. 

Most of all, and I almost feel guilty for saying it, is that I have found happiness this year. Not in or with anyone, just in myself. I have felt truly happy for most of the year despite the pandemic. I have felt at peace with myself, confident and I have believed in myself. My life has been good and I have enjoyed it - I have not had reason to complain and have felt very grateful and blessed to be healthy, happy, and have V with me.

This has been one of the best with work, with friendships, and even possible new beginnings. V and I are closer - she is the most beautiful soul is going to do great things when she is older. 

For me, 2020 has been about patience, being grateful and kindness. And it is the latter that I think we will need to all draw on even more going into 2021. Mental health is fragile at the best of times so we must do all we can to help ourselves and others stay strong. 

 It is about being there for each other, so let's make sure we do that in 2021. 

x

Normal People has left me mourning love. Again.

Every now and then, a series or film comes along and completely knocks me off my feet. I lose complete balance and emotional stability and feel, just for a short while that I have un done all the hard work of recent years, and I am back to where I was before.

Normal People, the adaptation of Sally Rooney's novel has done exactly that.

I have pretty much binge watched it on one go, watching 10 of the 12 episodes on Saturday evening and the two remaining as soon as I woke this morning on Sunday.
I think I also dreamt about it, or at least that the feelings it was stirring. The empathy for complicated and undeniable connection were the main storylines in my dreams.

Today I feel the immense sense of loss. I have spent hours this morning in tears. I journaled in an attempt to get to the bottom of why the beautifully directed series, the exquisite acting and heart-wrenching storyline has got to me so much.

The only reason I can come up with is because I know how it feels. Because I believe that I had that level of connection. The type where a touch and look is so intense that there is nothing else.
It was the connection that left me uprooting my world and moving, because feelings that intense and strong, of being able to get through anything together were so real and couldn't be wrong.

But they never lasted. We never lasted.

That connection was found elsewhere for him. Or at least I would hope it was because otherwise, was it worth it? It's the type of connection where your soul knows that it is right and every thing becomes effortless and just full of admiration, desire.. love.  That's how it was for me. Certainly the first few years. We spent so much time apart that perhaps that's the reason the connection was so strong when he would visit. Our bubble felt impenetrable back then.

So as I finished watching the series and seeing the decisions that Connell and Marianne make - and the never knowing if they make it after New York. I feel empty.  Part of me felt disappointed that there was no happy ending.  But then life isn't always happy endings, is it?

Normal People, I think is so true for many of us who have loved whole heartedly. Who have been genuine, brave and taken courage to believe in love and happily ever afters. It's that connection that speaks without words, that builds without touch and which causes pain because we feel so much for one another.

Perhaps watching it whilst on lockdown has heightened the feelings of loneliness and made the big hole of human connection even darker. But then, (and this leads me onto another emotion I am riding out) the lockdown for me hasn't really changed my life. The only element that is different is that there is no school so I have V all day to try and home school also.

Since he left, we have been in our own little bubble. I don't have anyone to share the load, to help, to tag team with. It's not just the physical and the actual 'doing' of everything, it is the mental, emotional support of having another adult, an actual human in the house, someone to talk to, laugh with and when tough days happen, to be there with a cuddle, a word or encouragement, of 'well done', or 'WE'VE got this'.

Again, it is that connection between two people where either one doesn't need to ask for help, where a 'cup of tea' can say so much (something Connell and Marianne drink a lot of!) and then that comfort of warmth and skin on skin when the end of the day comes. That embrace in bed as your bodies relax and sink into each other, deep breaths as you breathe together exhaling the day's madness, knowing that together you've done it, and that tomorrow you will too.

I desperately miss that.

So thank you Normal People helping me to dig deep into my soul and realise that I am still heartbroken and mourning. But I know what I need to find again and I know not to settle for anything less.

Letters of mistrust

To Him,

I loved you. Hand on heart I loved you like I have never loved another.
Even to the end. I fought, I changed and I denied myself of who I am meant to be. For you.

Yet you lied. More than once, more than a dozen times. You lied to my face, whilst looking into my eyes. You lied to my heart when I asked you to swear on your daughters.

If you were to look in my eyes and ask me, you'd know the truth. And deep down you do know, it was never me. Yes I could have done better - but that is life and we always should be striving to do better. But you know none of the things you have painted of me, are true. And that is something you will always have shame for.

To Her,

Utterly disappointed in the human that you are. You were my friend; I considered you my closest friend in a new place and I told you everything.

You used that against me.  You have used my words, twisted my pain and moulded emotion into a truth that suits you and your story. A truth that covers up what you have done and what you are still doing, as something that is ok.

It isn't.  Far from it.

You comforted me, you were there with biscuits, tea, hugs and words of love, friendship and motivation.
And then later that night, or the following weekend, you'd be off meeting with him.
So many coincidences of him knowing things. So may coincidences of you being in places.

How dare you take my happy ever after away.  That is not what friends do.

You lied to my face and made lies about me to cover your own shame.

And worst of all, how dare you break my little girl's heart.

To you both,

Leopards never change their spots.

Patterns repeat.

Karma is a bitch.

You've broken several hearts, some of which are too small and pure to understand but one day they will.

People respect those who tell the truth. You will never understand the damage you have done.

Bedtime brain dumping

I’ve pushed boundaries today. I replaced fear with excitement  and I did it anyway. 

There was no fear of judgment and I felt free. 

But that was because my hand was held.

I’m not sure how I feel and I’m trying to make sense of what is swirling in my mind. I’m asking the questions, “what is it I need to know from this?” and “what does this feeling tell me?”

Is it fear of what’s next? I don’t think so.

Is it regret? Definitely not - I don’t do those.

Is it guilt? perhaps but I don’t know why. Or do I? 

Is it sadness? No but it feels close to that. It’s more of a longing. That something today felt so much like something used to. And I miss it. I was teased with what I crave. But left wanting something different.

Is it hurt? Yes. I still feel the hurt and pain. I am still haunted by dreams - with my most recent last night which resulted in me shouting out in my sleep and crying. My dream of double betrayal is going to haunt me for a while. 

I feel stuck. Part of me knowing that what I crave can’t be. Because there’s someone more important, and whose needs come first. Will it always be like this?  Am I just to accept that little and not so often is how it is. And that consistency never comes when there is too much time. 

One thing I know, is that this isn’t about how I feel about myself.

That’s one part I’ve nailed. 

Why is this time different? Because I was not in control. 

That’s it. What I’m feeling is a little derailed and not in control. Logic is not involved. 

It’s that area of grey and the various shades of. 

Right now

Right now I want to pick up my phone

and message;

I love you.

Because I still do.

Deeply. 

I have no idea why. 

Even after all these months.

My heart rules my mind

my heart still loves you.

I have been thinking of days driving across the country to see you. The excitement, the adrenaline and anticipation of seeing you at your door. Your eyes. Oh, those eyes. Your kiss, which had waiting for weeks to touch mine. The need and want of our skin dancing under each other's touch.

I stood on your doorstep today. You looked at home. But all I could think about was stepping in and holding you.

I have been thinking about lazy mornings that could have been and the difference it would have made.  Like the early days.

You come to my door. I want to invite you in. I want to know how you are. I am interested in your training. I want to know how you are feeling about your challenge, do you feel ready.
I want to know if you are happy. If you think of me and if so, what do you think?
Are you angry with me... do you regret us?

I dream of days laying in fields with you, cuddling by a river, dancing in open spaces as the sunsets. I dream of our adventure being the one WE dreamed.

Right now I want to tell you so much. 

I want to see you laugh. 

I want to make you smile. 

I want to love you. 

Grief

Today my heart feels incredibly heavy.  I have a physiological response to you not being here.
I wonder if this is just the feeling of grief. The grief of losing someone who is still alive and who I long to hold and desperate to have a conversation with.
I can think of nothing other than how much I miss. My heart is constantly sending reminders which my mind can then not let go of. I am scared of losing my memories, and a time when I can no longer remember the softness of your lips, the feel of your skin, your smell and sound of your laugh. It is breaking me.

This weekend was hard. I said 'Happy Birthday' because I will not stop caring. Why should I change the kindness I have?

I've a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Both twisting at what I think might be. At the coincidences that appear.

I miss you so so much.

A beautiful feeling

Slowly and gradually, you are disappearing.
At first I needed to surround myself with you - your face, your smell, the little things.
It was almost as though I needed to make my heart hurt even more. I punished myself with keeping you close.
It still hurts. I still miss you. I miss our skin meeting, touching. I miss the warmth of you and I miss your smile. But the smile of years gone by. The smile that made my heart melt. I still love you and I think I always will. You gave me everything I had ever wanted. You.
But then you also took it way.
Slowly, you are taking less space in my heart and you are no longer a full time tenant in my mind.
I have taken down the photos. I have packed away little reminders that you loved me once.
This week I had a moment of feeling immense happiness. The sun was shining, I was breathing the spring air and I know I have all that I need.
I felt gratitude for the life I have. I am starting to love life again.
And it is beautiful feeling.