2020: A year of gratitude and reflection

I imagine that many a blog, diary entry, vlog, and reflective thought will be created as 2020 closes its doors.

Never has there been a year in my lifetime which has warranted so much change, resilience, compassion, understanding, and in the most simplest form - humanity.  

I think there are many who feel cheated by Covid as it aggressively lays tracks to storm into our new year. There's thoughts that it was never meant to last this long, that it should have been finished by now and that all we had to do, was get to the end of the year. But, as we know, 2021 is looking as hard and if not harder than this year. 

At the start of the year, the talk and news of the new virus which was ranging through Wuhan in China was considered just to be a bad flu - that "thousands of people die every year from flu," and the then dreaded words - "It's not as bad as what they are saying.... it's the media". I know that I said those things and at the beginning thought it was just being exaggerated. I was wrong. We all were.

In March, I recorded a work video asking people to support their local businesses as much as possible, as the threat of closures and lockdowns were forming. I took my laptop and went to work at the Storyhouse in Chester, one of my favourite places to sit and work. I enjoyed a sticky bun, got loads of work done, and felt happy that I had done my bit to support the industry in which I work and that I love.  That evening Boris threw us into a national lockdown. Our Mother's Day meal out became a take-away roast dinner from Elephant Lounge.

I remember saying to my mum that my life hadn't really changed during the first lockdown. I am at the other end of the country from my family, I work from home and work alone, I have a small handful of close friends and I don't really have much of a social life! It is me and V in our little bubble and it always has been. At that point mum said, "aww that's a little bit sad" So life in lockdown didn't really feel too much of a change - it was a 'welcome to my world' moment. 

The biggest change was homeschooling. V and I started really well and we did for about 4 - 6 weeks, That was before the days and weeks merged into one. On the first day of homeschooling, I suggested she wear her school t-shirt so that it felt that she was spending the day learning - so she would be in the right mindset (a bit like how I approach work!) But that lasted one day!

First Day of homeschooling - 23rd March

At work, we created a weekly planner - mainly as a tool to help me as a single parent be organised and juggle schooling and work. We did 6 weeks of these before the days were more of a free for all in terms of learning! But we tried and we did it. We made sure we had break time and some activity. We started the morning walking around the block so we left home and returned to 'work'. I got creative in the garden with learning - plenty of games with chalk. 

But as the weeks went on, the routine and structure became more and more 'fluffy'. V did school work and she did plenty of it, in fact, she has a ring binder full of work, but she did it in short bursts with plenty of play in between. My biggest guilt was not being able to play with her. She had days, especially in the early weeks when she would cry and sob because she missed her friends. As an only child, she doesn't have a sibling to play with for company and to fill the gaps. It was heartbreaking to see and many a time we were sobbing together, trying to navigate the 'new normal'.

I could go on and on about what has been hard, but instead, I would rather focus on the personal highlights from 2020 and what I will remember about the pandemic year:

• When the restrictions eased - taking V to Eastham Country park to climb trees - something V was keen to do and learn. We also went to Delamere to do the same.
• On some evenings we would go to Caldy beach or Leasowe Beach - the feeling of sand between our toes and the sea was just what we both needed after feeling agitated with each other.  
• One of the highlights was surprising V with a Maccies when they re-opened. We waited in the drive-thru queue for an hour but her face on getting a nuggets Happy Meal was absolutely worth it. It has been very much about the simple pleasures and being grateful for them. After the Maccies we came back and danced in the office together to the Courteeners - laughing loads and feeling on top of the world.
• In July, Dad came up to stay as soon as hotels were able to open. It was the best seeing him and then beginning of August, we were able to head south for the first time since the pandemic. It was a proper little holiday made even more special because of seeing family. 
• Afternoon Tea at Oddfellows in Chester - a treat for us both as part of the Eat Out to Help Out scheme. 
• Facetiming mum weekly - she would never do it before but this year has forced her to embrace the video call so it never feels like we don't see her. The same with all my family. 
• Walking with friends - so many new places discovered from the endless walking because that was all we could do - the canals in Chester, Delamere, Moel Famau, Chester.. and Chester again.
• Hiring Wilma the Campervan for my birthday and due to more restrictions and lockdowns we could only go to Chester Lakes - but it didn't matter. It was the best mini-break with V and one we will be repeating. 
• A chilled Christmas - just the two of us. As much as I missed my family, it has been a total break for V and me to stay at home and have Christmas just the two of us. I have been lazy, relaxed and able to do all the things I wanted... i.e. snoozing on the sofa after an epic feed! 

Now onto work. This has been a significant year for the business. I have never fought and pushed so hard. All that I asked of the team was to show up every day, be seen and be active - which they all did and it worked. I became a leader - the type I have wanted to be. I have had to make hard decisions, which in the end were the easy decisions because we would not have had a business otherwise. 

The impact on tourism and hospitality and our clients has been devastating to see and at times the team and I have been in tears. But we showed up, we did all that we could and can. 

This year we have become the marketing agency I wanted us to be. We've lost people but also gained team members. I realised that I don't need a big team and in fact, I don't want a big team. All that I have ever done for the business has been for everyone else -, not me! I have started to take back some of that and fall in love again with my business and vision. 

I have had help, Laura has been an absolute rock of a colleague and we have built something very special and that we are both proud of. We are ending the year on 12 retainer clients - when last year, we ended on 4! Some projects have been lost, such as the Southampton Pocket Guide, but this needed to happen, to make way for the work we want to do. 

We gained respect this year and that has always been one of the key things for me - to be taken seriously and recognized for what we do. 

I know that the tough times are still ahead. Today marks another series of tier 4 lockdowns to try and curb the new variant. Businesses can't keep opening and closing - they won't survive it much more. I read somewhere this morning that pandemics have 8 waves, EIGHT?? how can we continue like this. But, we have to, we must.  

With the new vaccines now in circulation, there is hope. I would be lying if I wasn't concerned about having it - what the long term effects might be.

This year has been the biggest shift and change. I have let go of the thoughts and feelings that no longer serve me.  Since September I have been part of the Miracle Morning club (!! I know I know!) but that hour in the morning to think, journal, meditate and just be calm has helped me to stay where I need to be. 

Most of all, and I almost feel guilty for saying it, is that I have found happiness this year. Not in or with anyone, just in myself. I have felt truly happy for most of the year despite the pandemic. I have felt at peace with myself, confident and I have believed in myself. My life has been good and I have enjoyed it - I have not had reason to complain and have felt very grateful and blessed to be healthy, happy, and have V with me.

This has been one of the best with work, with friendships, and even possible new beginnings. V and I are closer - she is the most beautiful soul is going to do great things when she is older. 

For me, 2020 has been about patience, being grateful and kindness. And it is the latter that I think we will need to all draw on even more going into 2021. Mental health is fragile at the best of times so we must do all we can to help ourselves and others stay strong. 

 It is about being there for each other, so let's make sure we do that in 2021. 

x

Normal People has left me mourning love. Again.

Every now and then, a series or film comes along and completely knocks me off my feet. I lose complete balance and emotional stability and feel, just for a short while that I have un done all the hard work of recent years, and I am back to where I was before.

Normal People, the adaptation of Sally Rooney's novel has done exactly that.

I have pretty much binge watched it on one go, watching 10 of the 12 episodes on Saturday evening and the two remaining as soon as I woke this morning on Sunday.
I think I also dreamt about it, or at least that the feelings it was stirring. The empathy for complicated and undeniable connection were the main storylines in my dreams.

Today I feel the immense sense of loss. I have spent hours this morning in tears. I journaled in an attempt to get to the bottom of why the beautifully directed series, the exquisite acting and heart-wrenching storyline has got to me so much.

The only reason I can come up with is because I know how it feels. Because I believe that I had that level of connection. The type where a touch and look is so intense that there is nothing else.
It was the connection that left me uprooting my world and moving, because feelings that intense and strong, of being able to get through anything together were so real and couldn't be wrong.

But they never lasted. We never lasted.

That connection was found elsewhere for him. Or at least I would hope it was because otherwise, was it worth it? It's the type of connection where your soul knows that it is right and every thing becomes effortless and just full of admiration, desire.. love.  That's how it was for me. Certainly the first few years. We spent so much time apart that perhaps that's the reason the connection was so strong when he would visit. Our bubble felt impenetrable back then.

So as I finished watching the series and seeing the decisions that Connell and Marianne make - and the never knowing if they make it after New York. I feel empty.  Part of me felt disappointed that there was no happy ending.  But then life isn't always happy endings, is it?

Normal People, I think is so true for many of us who have loved whole heartedly. Who have been genuine, brave and taken courage to believe in love and happily ever afters. It's that connection that speaks without words, that builds without touch and which causes pain because we feel so much for one another.

Perhaps watching it whilst on lockdown has heightened the feelings of loneliness and made the big hole of human connection even darker. But then, (and this leads me onto another emotion I am riding out) the lockdown for me hasn't really changed my life. The only element that is different is that there is no school so I have V all day to try and home school also.

Since he left, we have been in our own little bubble. I don't have anyone to share the load, to help, to tag team with. It's not just the physical and the actual 'doing' of everything, it is the mental, emotional support of having another adult, an actual human in the house, someone to talk to, laugh with and when tough days happen, to be there with a cuddle, a word or encouragement, of 'well done', or 'WE'VE got this'.

Again, it is that connection between two people where either one doesn't need to ask for help, where a 'cup of tea' can say so much (something Connell and Marianne drink a lot of!) and then that comfort of warmth and skin on skin when the end of the day comes. That embrace in bed as your bodies relax and sink into each other, deep breaths as you breathe together exhaling the day's madness, knowing that together you've done it, and that tomorrow you will too.

I desperately miss that.

So thank you Normal People helping me to dig deep into my soul and realise that I am still heartbroken and mourning. But I know what I need to find again and I know not to settle for anything less.

Letters of mistrust

To Him,

I loved you. Hand on heart I loved you like I have never loved another.
Even to the end. I fought, I changed and I denied myself of who I am meant to be. For you.

Yet you lied. More than once, more than a dozen times. You lied to my face, whilst looking into my eyes. You lied to my heart when I asked you to swear on your daughters.

If you were to look in my eyes and ask me, you'd know the truth. And deep down you do know, it was never me. Yes I could have done better - but that is life and we always should be striving to do better. But you know none of the things you have painted of me, are true. And that is something you will always have shame for.

To Her,

Utterly disappointed in the human that you are. You were my friend; I considered you my closest friend in a new place and I told you everything.

You used that against me.  You have used my words, twisted my pain and moulded emotion into a truth that suits you and your story. A truth that covers up what you have done and what you are still doing, as something that is ok.

It isn't.  Far from it.

You comforted me, you were there with biscuits, tea, hugs and words of love, friendship and motivation.
And then later that night, or the following weekend, you'd be off meeting with him.
So many coincidences of him knowing things. So may coincidences of you being in places.

How dare you take my happy ever after away.  That is not what friends do.

You lied to my face and made lies about me to cover your own shame.

And worst of all, how dare you break my little girl's heart.

To you both,

Leopards never change their spots.

Patterns repeat.

Karma is a bitch.

You've broken several hearts, some of which are too small and pure to understand but one day they will.

People respect those who tell the truth. You will never understand the damage you have done.

Bedtime brain dumping

I’ve pushed boundaries today. I replaced fear with excitement  and I did it anyway. 

There was no fear of judgment and I felt free. 

But that was because my hand was held.

I’m not sure how I feel and I’m trying to make sense of what is swirling in my mind. I’m asking the questions, “what is it I need to know from this?” and “what does this feeling tell me?”

Is it fear of what’s next? I don’t think so.

Is it regret? Definitely not - I don’t do those.

Is it guilt? perhaps but I don’t know why. Or do I? 

Is it sadness? No but it feels close to that. It’s more of a longing. That something today felt so much like something used to. And I miss it. I was teased with what I crave. But left wanting something different.

Is it hurt? Yes. I still feel the hurt and pain. I am still haunted by dreams - with my most recent last night which resulted in me shouting out in my sleep and crying. My dream of double betrayal is going to haunt me for a while. 

I feel stuck. Part of me knowing that what I crave can’t be. Because there’s someone more important, and whose needs come first. Will it always be like this?  Am I just to accept that little and not so often is how it is. And that consistency never comes when there is too much time. 

One thing I know, is that this isn’t about how I feel about myself.

That’s one part I’ve nailed. 

Why is this time different? Because I was not in control. 

That’s it. What I’m feeling is a little derailed and not in control. Logic is not involved. 

It’s that area of grey and the various shades of. 

Right now

Right now I want to pick up my phone

and message;

I love you.

Because I still do.

Deeply. 

I have no idea why. 

Even after all these months.

My heart rules my mind

my heart still loves you.

I have been thinking of days driving across the country to see you. The excitement, the adrenaline and anticipation of seeing you at your door. Your eyes. Oh, those eyes. Your kiss, which had waiting for weeks to touch mine. The need and want of our skin dancing under each other's touch.

I stood on your doorstep today. You looked at home. But all I could think about was stepping in and holding you.

I have been thinking about lazy mornings that could have been and the difference it would have made.  Like the early days.

You come to my door. I want to invite you in. I want to know how you are. I am interested in your training. I want to know how you are feeling about your challenge, do you feel ready.
I want to know if you are happy. If you think of me and if so, what do you think?
Are you angry with me... do you regret us?

I dream of days laying in fields with you, cuddling by a river, dancing in open spaces as the sunsets. I dream of our adventure being the one WE dreamed.

Right now I want to tell you so much. 

I want to see you laugh. 

I want to make you smile. 

I want to love you. 

Grief

Today my heart feels incredibly heavy.  I have a physiological response to you not being here.
I wonder if this is just the feeling of grief. The grief of losing someone who is still alive and who I long to hold and desperate to have a conversation with.
I can think of nothing other than how much I miss. My heart is constantly sending reminders which my mind can then not let go of. I am scared of losing my memories, and a time when I can no longer remember the softness of your lips, the feel of your skin, your smell and sound of your laugh. It is breaking me.

This weekend was hard. I said 'Happy Birthday' because I will not stop caring. Why should I change the kindness I have?

I've a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Both twisting at what I think might be. At the coincidences that appear.

I miss you so so much.

A beautiful feeling

Slowly and gradually, you are disappearing.
At first I needed to surround myself with you - your face, your smell, the little things.
It was almost as though I needed to make my heart hurt even more. I punished myself with keeping you close.
It still hurts. I still miss you. I miss our skin meeting, touching. I miss the warmth of you and I miss your smile. But the smile of years gone by. The smile that made my heart melt. I still love you and I think I always will. You gave me everything I had ever wanted. You.
But then you also took it way.
Slowly, you are taking less space in my heart and you are no longer a full time tenant in my mind.
I have taken down the photos. I have packed away little reminders that you loved me once.
This week I had a moment of feeling immense happiness. The sun was shining, I was breathing the spring air and I know I have all that I need.
I felt gratitude for the life I have. I am starting to love life again.
And it is beautiful feeling.

Reaching for you

Last night I had a dream:

I was in bed asleep, in that hazy, drifting slumber when you can't work out where you are.
Someone got into my bed, they were on the edge but I felt the heat from their skin.
I reached out and felt an arm as a hand reached back to me. Fingertips on my skin, barely touching but I knew it was you.
I wanted to pull you closer, I reached more to find you and I called your name.
Your name repeating on my lips as I tried to find you.

I woke myself up by calling your name aloud.

Once again

I find it hard to comprehend how I can still love you so much yet I am so angry and frustrated by you.
Days like today, when all that is needed is a little humanity, a little kindness and when it is no about you and how you feel, make me unbelievably hurt, sad and angry.

I have started to wonder your intentions from the start.

I sit and watch others, the pain of seeing love and happiness make my loneliness and loss even more unbearable. .

I just keep having to remind myself that this is you. Your choice and decision.

You did this. You broke us.

Once again this space is going to be my saviour as words pour to help me on this journey, this transition and the adventure that one day I will be able to face again.

It makes no sense

I stand confused by your intentions.
I sit on my hands so that I do not touch
I lay under you feeling my heart crushed

I see you but I am invisible to your eyes
I hear your words yet I am lost to what you are speaking
 I taste you on my lips when I know I shouldn't

You look at me lost, your smile has faded to a distant time
You speak to me with no meaning
You listen to me distracted

We once sat by the river entangled in touch
We heard no sounds only the voices in our hearts
We spoke the same language, our own words of understanding.

Us is what I wish for
They is what I want
Them to say, are in love

Blue Sky Thinking

I sat under the apple tree and dreamed. As the leaves danced in the gentle summer breeze and the blue sky became endless deeper.
I thought of blue sky thinking and what it meant. I thought of Cinderella's blue dress and " A dream is a wish your heart makes" I thought of my dreams and my heart's wishes.

My heart is broken and it wishes to be mended. My heart needs love to be restored to its former self.

I remembered a story; a story of a girl who puts her heart in a jar so to protect and keep it safe. But without her heart, she forgets who she is and she can no longer wish. She has lost the ability to dream.

No matter how many letters, words or sentences are used to make a wish, unless our heart is behind it and fully embracing the intent, the tone and the desire, we will never be able to dream, let alone make those dreams come true.

Looking for answers

Under Orion's belt

I wished upon a star

With my back against the wall

I prayed to the sun

I blamed the moon

and dreamt of the ocean

I questioned the very nature

of why we exist. 

Stirring

She sat wondering what it was that she had done. Why had it changed and when had it all become so different.

"We've become older" was one response she murmured. 

But it wasn't this that she wanted to say. 

She wanted to scream and shout "You forgot me".

This was the real reason.

Time changes us all she thought, but why should that mean that we forget. 

Life happens and shit gets busy but because someone is out of sight, does that mean they are out of mind. 

She stirred the spoon in her coffee. There was no sugar to stir, but she needed to do something that her eyes could focus on, before they cried. 

She watched the bubbles spin in anti- clockwise motion. 

"This is how I feel" she whispered.

The thoughts tumbling like the bubbles.

A tear slid from her eyes and stopped the  motion. 

"You no longer need me" 

Chasing the sunset

I chased the sunset all the way home,
just for you,
to save you,
from yourself
your cries off wants,
your screams of needs,
it broke my heart.

The faster I went,
to catch the sun,
before it set to darkness
and before your teary eyes
shut me out.

Trying

I want to try

to ignite

the passion 

the release 

of tension

the peace 

I found

when I gave you

my words.

Hard to Swallow

My Dad has cancer. He was diagnosed in February with Oesophageal cancer and cancer of the gullet. He has had a hiatus hernia for years and before Christmas 2013 he noticed that he was having difficulty swallowing and felt there was a lump in his throat. He does and it is a big tumour.

Only 5% of people with this type of cancer live beyond 5 years of diagnosis. This is a very 'hard to swallow' fact.

With three chemo sessions down and the 'rest period' about to start before he goes under the knife and they remove his oesophagus and turn his stomach into his food pipe, I can't help think about the next five years.

Moving on

We never hit it off at the beginning. I thought you had an 'odd' smell about you; one of stale cigarette smoke, wilting flowers and dust. You were so dark in appearance: faded at the edges but a dark swirl of patterns - too busy for the eye to take in.

I didn't think I would be able to love you.

As the first few years passed, I stripped you back. I removed your layers to reveal a calmer, smoother appearance. Your fragrance altered to the smell of fresh beginnings and pink oriental lilies.

Lillies always remind me of you.

We went through many happy times together. Parties with friends who enjoyed spending in your presence. From summer barbecues to Halloween and New Years - the drinks flowed, laughter filled the air and we were all happy.

Cracks then started to show and sadness often penetrated deep within. There were awkward silences, lies, and then more lies. I left you for a short time but returned and felt welcomed and missed, noticing that smell - your smell.

We saw many changes together. I know there were times when you wanted to close all the doors and for it to just be us, so they could no longer hurt me.

We created an vibe, an aura of calm, love and acceptance. Friends came and left, friends partied and slept - all feeling refreshed, relaxed and at ease when they said goodbye.  We were a sanctuary to many.

You met him when I did.

He needed our warm and welcoming embrace. Like me, he found himself whilst being with you. He grew, he mended and he began to understand love.

We were so happy together with you. Our own little world, together building a future, working as a team until the day came when we had to leave.

I cried when I left you and whilst I saw you many times after - it was not the same. Your smell was different. You belonged to someone else - you were their saviour now, not mine. You changed your appearance but deep down I knew you were still there.

They then left you and you were all alone.  Slowly,  I had to strip you bare and take you back to the beginning. Empty, cold and lifeless.

Your smell, musty and removed of life.

Yesterday I said good-bye for the last time. I am sad. You meant to much to me. You allowed me to be free and to become who I wanted to be. You meant to much to many others too. You gave us so many memories and I would like to thank you.

Goodbye my little house on Campbell Road.

Lines

The pattern is obvious
if you know where to look.
Follow the lines
until they go underground.
Blue in colour
linking their fate.
Out of sight
yet not out of mind.
The beat of the heart
drums in sequence.
The pattern repeats
if you know where to find it.

Great expectations

I have been thinking about expectations and whether we should have them or place them of people.
In general, I do not expect anything from anyone and I tend to lower my expectations with certain people. This has proved a survival tactic in the past to avoid being hurt. If I expect nothing, when something does happen or someone acts in a particular (kind/thoughtful/caring) manner, well, then it is a bonus.
However, should I expect more. I know people have expectations of me. Some are quite high, some are unreasonable.
Is it wrong to expect the day to day things?

Should expectations not be about the bigger important things like honesty, trust and respect.

They are the only things I expect from the people in my life.

Breaking out of the box

I need this space again. My emotional filing cabinet and space for dumping the contents of my head.

This week I had a session with a Life Coach specialising in Career Mums and women returning to work after maternity. I can't praise Zoe of Career Loving Mums enough. A complete inspiration and lovely person. For two hours over coffee I talked and talked after being asked: "what would you like to think about...?"

I thought about lots. My work, life, family, love, space, money and how I get back to being Jo again.

Prior to the session I had come to the conclusion, that in good old 'Jo fashion', I had not processed or dealt with anything that has happened in the last year. From the complete highs such as getting married to my soul mate and giving birth to our little miracle Violet, to the deep lows of moving away, a total hysterectomy and early-menopause. Talking to Zoe, it only reaffirmed that I had been shoving all this 'stuff' under the carpet; just doing what I always do and have always done - just getting on with it, pulling my socks up and just cracking on!

And in this process and following becoming a mummy, I have changed and have had to adapt to my new life. However, I have lost little bits of Jo along the way.

I discovered that physical space is very important to me and the fact that most of my things are still in boxes, split between north and south, it is no wonder that my feet are not on the ground. I need to plant my feet firmly in my northern home.

I also came to the conclusion that I am not dealing and coping with the new structure that my daily life now has. This is inevitable after having a baby, but I have gone from living on my own, never bothered about time and a life that flowed around me to a more timetabled structure which comes with not only having a baby but also two step-children. Life needs to run like clockwork now which means that I find it hard to stop; there is always 'something' that needs doing and why do one thing when hey! I am a woman and can multi-task, so two or three things can be done at the same time can't they? Or not and it just turns to chaos

This chaos is also in my head and the constant on the go has reflected how I have been working. Whilst not really having a maternity leave and doing a little bit every day to keep my hand in, I am now 'officially' back to work but lack of physical space and the internal chaos means that my 'smart' working is no longer. I faff; I start one thing, remember something else, start that. remember something else and hey! I am multi-tasking again but the result is not that of achieving lots but very much the opposite. I end up spending an hour whilst V is asleep, starting maybe half a dozen tasks and not achieving anything.

The result of not achieving anything and not feeling in control has resulted in a loss of drive and motivation in my 'northern office'. I almost have no idea what I am doing. I am not organised and I work in chaos - both mentally and within my physical space.

The lack of motivation and disorganisation leaves me feeling like a failure and that maybe, I can't be a successful business woman and a mummy at the same time.

The feeling  of failure, chaos, and with 'Jo' still in boxes had lead to me being lost and unhappy.

What I want to get back to is the Jo that gets the adrenaline rush up as she hits the M3 - not because she is happy to be back south and wants to be back there, but because it means a week of work. A week of doing what I do best and what I am good at. A week of meetings where I am respected as a business owner and business woman. Those weeks are always full on, there are always issues to sort, I run around meeting people and generally don't stop but it makes me feel motivated, inspired and alive. I know I work best under pressure. When things go wrong or a deadline is looming or ridiculously tight - I thrive.

This is what I need to establish in my northern home.  If I thrive at work, I thrive in all other areas of my life because that is what I know I do best, it is where I get my energy from. That isn't to say that everything else comes second or after - it is just my motivation. I know that I can be a business woman and a mummy, and if anyone tells me otherwise, well, it makes me want to prove them wrong.
If I am motivated, I am happy. If I am happy, then everything flows as it should and as we wanted and dreamed it to be.

So, first job... create an organised, clutter free (and therefore chaos free) office complete with lots of 'Jo'  things to give me a physical space to work. Then to sort childcare to give me the time I need to spend in the nice new, organised space. I will then have a structured and set time to be 'working Jo', which means mummy and wifey time will be quality time without me having to 'just to a little bit of work'.

This plan along with some stronger HRT patches will get me back to where I want to be. And I know I  it won't take long.