The wind was strong as we had fun throwing the aerobie
I laughed so hard at how far you had to run
The ground was damp as we collapsed from handstands
I melted in your arms as we kissed on the grass
The arcade was alive with noise as we played on the 2p machines
I giggled as I was crowned winner
The fair rides were quiet; the roller coaster creaked in the wind
I screamed as we plummeted
The fish and chips were salty and fresh
I smiled as we ate, sat in the sun with the sea at our feet
The afternoon was lovely
You were perfect
I was happy
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Confuddled? I am
I am confused. Why couldn't I list more than one thing when asked what his good bits were? Ten years of being with someone and I could think of one positive attribute. I know there are/were more but why can't I find them? Have they faded away?
Why when I feel so happy do they highlight the negatives making me feel uneasy with my choices?
Why do they provoke and embarrass further when they can all see I am uncomfortable?
Why do you continue to behave that way when you know I find it insensitive?
Why can't you do your job properly and be as organised as me?
Why can't he be honest?
Why?
Why when I feel so happy do they highlight the negatives making me feel uneasy with my choices?
Why do they provoke and embarrass further when they can all see I am uncomfortable?
Why do you continue to behave that way when you know I find it insensitive?
Why can't you do your job properly and be as organised as me?
Why can't he be honest?
Why?
Old Photo
This is my Nan and Granddad
I love this photo. It looks like a hot summers day. I imagine them driving for a day out by the sea, the air hot and humid. Tempers rising in the heat as granddad gets lost; him shouting at nan because it is her fault ( it never was!) Nan muttering 'Oh shut up Arth'
I imagine them reaching their destination in silence, but being calmed by the smell of the sea air and the sound of the waves and as a peace offering, Granddad walking over to the ice cream van to buy two cans of pop, then him handing her the can and they sit, perching on the back of the car, supping pop in the sunshine.
Friday, 8 August 2008
The rescue of Green 10
I was attracted by your smooth, shiny exterior and the way that I could turn you in my hand and there would always be a star on your skin, a reflection of light, be it the sun, headlight or the kitchen light strip which flickers erratically.
It has been 1 year, 5 months, 3 days, 9 hours and 47 minutes since we first met and since then I have taken you everywhere with me. Some days I carry you effortlessly; my fingers fit perfectly in the space you provide. Other days, when it is hot and the air humid, I struggle to hold your weight and my arms become heavy and my fingers either slip from where they hang on to you, or they swell and I worry that we will be attached forever.
Sometimes I think I would like that, to have you with me always.
I have seen others like you, but they aren’t free. They live a monotonous life – rolling the same way and down the same lanes day after day. Sometimes I look at the others, their colours different to yours, you are one colour and the others are marbled with flecks of light. I feel guilty when I think about the others and I say sorry to you. I wouldn’t trade you for any of them. I promise.
My parents think that I am not well, they shout at me when I have you with me. They tell me to leave you alone, to put you back where I found you, to not be so strange. They don’t want a strange child. My mum always goes a shade of pink when she has to explain to her friends why I have you. She stutters and flusters, like a pigeon on the High Street trying to get out of the way of footsteps. Most of the time, she brushes the subject off with ‘ I don’t know where I went wrong, he clearly isn’t normal.’ I am normal I just have not-so-normal friends. My dad tries to grab your from me, but my fingers are always holding on tight. He has tried to take you in the night, he says it isn’t healthy or hygienic to have you in my bed, but because I am always attached, I know when he is trying. Last week I was grounded for nearly giving dad a heart attack. He had come into my room at night and was trying to prise you from my grasp. He had woken me up when he stood on the creaky floorboard; I like the fact I have a creaky floorboard, I like to think of it as an alarm, an intruder alarm, one that will save me from monsters and my dad. I waited a while, pretending to be asleep as he lifted my fingers one by one and just as he thought he was nearly there, that he would succeed in breaking our un-natural bond, I shouted "Boo". Dad jumped and hit his head on my model helicopter as he sprung to his feet, sending the model around in circles, as though the enemy had shot it down. He shouted at me, called me a ‘Stupid little shit’ and said something about being a freak for sleeping with you, before stating that he was ‘giving up’. As he slammed the door shut I chuckled and thanked you for giving me the idea.
You have never told me why you had come to be in the spot where I found you, but then I don’t know if I have asked you directly. I was just happy to have found you, mesmerised by your colour and intrigued by your name. I had been walking on the other side of the road, out of breath from the uphill climb and hungry for my dinner. The combination of maths and PE on a Thursday always made me ravenous for my dinner. I was already late but I couldn’t ignore you, I couldn’t leave you sat in the gutter surrounded by the wet autumn leaves looking cold. I was eager to cross the road, but it was gone five o’clock and workers were pouring out the city in a steady flow. I panicked that you might decide move on and not wait for me, so I ran, as quick as I could. Horns sounded, a voice shouted and I felt scared, but only for a moment, for once I bent down and picked you up, my fingers fitting perfectly into the 3 holes on your crown, I thought of how I was rescuing you and how that made me feel proud. I felt happy for I knew that I had found a friend for life.
It has been 1 year, 5 months, 3 days, 9 hours and 47 minutes since we first met and since then I have taken you everywhere with me. Some days I carry you effortlessly; my fingers fit perfectly in the space you provide. Other days, when it is hot and the air humid, I struggle to hold your weight and my arms become heavy and my fingers either slip from where they hang on to you, or they swell and I worry that we will be attached forever.
Sometimes I think I would like that, to have you with me always.
I have seen others like you, but they aren’t free. They live a monotonous life – rolling the same way and down the same lanes day after day. Sometimes I look at the others, their colours different to yours, you are one colour and the others are marbled with flecks of light. I feel guilty when I think about the others and I say sorry to you. I wouldn’t trade you for any of them. I promise.
My parents think that I am not well, they shout at me when I have you with me. They tell me to leave you alone, to put you back where I found you, to not be so strange. They don’t want a strange child. My mum always goes a shade of pink when she has to explain to her friends why I have you. She stutters and flusters, like a pigeon on the High Street trying to get out of the way of footsteps. Most of the time, she brushes the subject off with ‘ I don’t know where I went wrong, he clearly isn’t normal.’ I am normal I just have not-so-normal friends. My dad tries to grab your from me, but my fingers are always holding on tight. He has tried to take you in the night, he says it isn’t healthy or hygienic to have you in my bed, but because I am always attached, I know when he is trying. Last week I was grounded for nearly giving dad a heart attack. He had come into my room at night and was trying to prise you from my grasp. He had woken me up when he stood on the creaky floorboard; I like the fact I have a creaky floorboard, I like to think of it as an alarm, an intruder alarm, one that will save me from monsters and my dad. I waited a while, pretending to be asleep as he lifted my fingers one by one and just as he thought he was nearly there, that he would succeed in breaking our un-natural bond, I shouted "Boo". Dad jumped and hit his head on my model helicopter as he sprung to his feet, sending the model around in circles, as though the enemy had shot it down. He shouted at me, called me a ‘Stupid little shit’ and said something about being a freak for sleeping with you, before stating that he was ‘giving up’. As he slammed the door shut I chuckled and thanked you for giving me the idea.
You have never told me why you had come to be in the spot where I found you, but then I don’t know if I have asked you directly. I was just happy to have found you, mesmerised by your colour and intrigued by your name. I had been walking on the other side of the road, out of breath from the uphill climb and hungry for my dinner. The combination of maths and PE on a Thursday always made me ravenous for my dinner. I was already late but I couldn’t ignore you, I couldn’t leave you sat in the gutter surrounded by the wet autumn leaves looking cold. I was eager to cross the road, but it was gone five o’clock and workers were pouring out the city in a steady flow. I panicked that you might decide move on and not wait for me, so I ran, as quick as I could. Horns sounded, a voice shouted and I felt scared, but only for a moment, for once I bent down and picked you up, my fingers fitting perfectly into the 3 holes on your crown, I thought of how I was rescuing you and how that made me feel proud. I felt happy for I knew that I had found a friend for life.
Thursday, 7 August 2008
Ben
I wanted to take you home with me last night. You were so much bigger than last time I saw you and so much more delectable. Your cheeks full and round, your eyes beautifully blue with soft long brown lashes, which curled to frame your eyes.
You smiled at me, complete with a ga-ga soundtrack, your eyes widened and smiled. Five little fingers of strength gripped my thumb, a tight grasp - a promising handshake.
You smelled scrumptious – a soft sweet smell, the smell of tenderness and unconditional love.
I could watch you forever; watch you happy, content and smiling.
I think I feel broody.
You smiled at me, complete with a ga-ga soundtrack, your eyes widened and smiled. Five little fingers of strength gripped my thumb, a tight grasp - a promising handshake.
You smelled scrumptious – a soft sweet smell, the smell of tenderness and unconditional love.
I could watch you forever; watch you happy, content and smiling.
I think I feel broody.
Monday, 4 August 2008
Stolen for my blog
I go out late and come home early
I come home big though I am feeling small
I come home late and go out curly
Sometimes I never come home at all.
What in heaven's name have I done
I am breaking the speed at the sound of loneliness
Out there running, just to be on the run.
This isn't mine, it is Martyn's. I like it. I like the thought of going out curly.
I don' think there is enough curliness in the world.
I come home big though I am feeling small
I come home late and go out curly
Sometimes I never come home at all.
What in heaven's name have I done
I am breaking the speed at the sound of loneliness
Out there running, just to be on the run.
This isn't mine, it is Martyn's. I like it. I like the thought of going out curly.
I don' think there is enough curliness in the world.
Force fields of light
You are a vibrant Indian red as I travel towards you, my eyes fixed your veins as they contrast with eucalyptus green.
Stood with an elegant profoundness injecting life into the electric blue sky
The heat makes you pulse, your heart buried deep within.
As the great yellow star burns lower in the sky, your face blushes with a tinge of rose that softens your edges.
As the cyan deepens it suppresses your light, yet darkness doesn't touch you - not just yet, a magnolia and powder pink force field protects your base.
Your colour darkens yet doesn't deepen the magic around you.
Slowly you disappear. Your blanket of light not longer protects you, you are on your own in the darkness, where only the old move, streams of light inject your breath
You can't be seen, yet your presence is always felt.
Until again, the light tempts the dark and pushes it aside
Your paleness fades and your skin fills with life.
Blood orange red to citrus zest.
My eyes water, your vibrancy reaches out and once again touches the electric blue for another day.
Stood with an elegant profoundness injecting life into the electric blue sky
The heat makes you pulse, your heart buried deep within.
As the great yellow star burns lower in the sky, your face blushes with a tinge of rose that softens your edges.
As the cyan deepens it suppresses your light, yet darkness doesn't touch you - not just yet, a magnolia and powder pink force field protects your base.
Your colour darkens yet doesn't deepen the magic around you.
Slowly you disappear. Your blanket of light not longer protects you, you are on your own in the darkness, where only the old move, streams of light inject your breath
You can't be seen, yet your presence is always felt.
Until again, the light tempts the dark and pushes it aside
Your paleness fades and your skin fills with life.
Blood orange red to citrus zest.
My eyes water, your vibrancy reaches out and once again touches the electric blue for another day.
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