Flossy

I cried when you were born

I had never cried happy tears

never understood

but when I saw you, happiness took over

You were perfect.

As you grew and your personality revealed

the little girl with the curls

with princess tantrums
all sugar and spice

You became Flossy

Growing up was so much fun

shopping, concerts, sleep-overs and treats

being stuck in the rain and wearing my clothes

Stories, games and secrets

You were my sunshine

A performer at school

You tried everything once

So many concerts and shows

your confidence beaming

You made me so proud

Into teens and so we grow

so many changes, life is unfair

a cycle repeats

and I am always there to hold your hand

You are so strong

And now an adult

Beautiful in every way

confident and and caring

we are as close as they come

You are my sister - and I wouldn't change a thing.

Happy 18th Birthday Flossy xx

Day One

Today was day one of my IVF treatment and a few things are hitting home. Firstly, what a lot of responsibility this is for someone to take on. Not only is there the injections full of hormones to stimulate the ovaries in order to produce more eggs, but there are the side effects to prepare for.

I feel that I am going to need a sign around my neck for the next few weeks stating: 'Hormonal Nightmare.. handle with care'. I haven't read too much about the side effects - part of me wants to join forums but then I am sure I will convince myself that I have every side effect going, I figure it is best to not know and to ride with it.

Whilst sat in the consultation room, after my scan and the news that I can start, I held the needle in my hand, pinched a good bit of fat on my tummy (which I have been building over Christmas... great excuse to eat more!) and then said 'I don't think I can do it', for a good few moments, I looked at Carl and the nurse and then back to the sharp scary needle and really thought that I couldn't do it but with some encouragement from Carl and praise from the nurse, I slowly stuck the needle into my tummy, clicked the button and gave myself my first injection.

I felt proud of myself and confirmed that I can do this - there isn't really an option of not doing it. It is my only chance. I have no idea what the next few weeks hold and being without Carl is going to make it even more difficult. I am pretty sure there will be plenty of tears; I am an emotional person at the best of times so fill me with hormones and goodness only knows.

I just hope I don't grow a beard and turn into a dragon.

Stepping into 2012

This is always the hardest post to write. The one where you sit and reflect on the last 12 months and try to sum up all the experience, emotions, ups and downs in a succinct and interesting blog post. This is my third version.

My challenge has been trying to cover all that has happened but trying to find the positive so that this isn’t dip into a sad and miserable post. I started by reading back over the last couple of ‘end of year’ posts. I realised that after 2009 and 2010 being quite adventurous with some big life changes, this time last year I was definitely burnt out. 2011 was to be about fixing myself – accepting depression, stress and anxiety and doing something about it, stopping the short term fixes and being open and honest with myself (and others), looking after myself, trying to be healthy and the building of friendships and relationships that had been neglected.

The biggest thing that has helped me in achieving the above and beating those demons is the love and support of friends who have been struggling with similar issue and challenges. For me, 2011, has been very much about building and being part of strong support networks, being there for others and working together through the dips and the difficult times. I have also recognised that some of the support networks I used to rely on are no longer as vital. I have made so many close and wonderful friends from Twitter and I hope that it continues but I have seen a more fickle side this year and been hurt by the playground it can become so I will be continuing but in a more reserved manner and not be so sensitive to those who chose to un-follow or not reply to me.

2011 has not been a year of good health for me, with Derek the Borderline Tumour taking 9 months of my year and putting me through endless scans, reviews, operations and tears. In some ways I feel I have missed so much – particularly through the summer months but in ironic way, Derek has saved me and forced me to fix myself and reassess my outlook and my attitude – I now know that I can’t do it all! The support network of family and friends has got me through the year and I am now more aware and grateful for those I have around me. And through it all I have found the missing part that I was always searching for. I have never really understood the whole ‘when you know.. you know concept’ but I know and now everything flows around it.

Looking ahead, 2012 is likely to be harder but I am stronger and I am trying to ensure my body and mind is as healthy as it can be so that is can prepare, deal with and heal faster after. On Monday I start my round of IVF and I am scared. This will be my only chance to have a child of my own and I am reminding myself of that every time I think of the ridiculous amount of injections I have to give myself. I hate needles. I am anxious about the side effects and the possibility of stimulating the cyst on my remaining ovary so that it grows to Derek size, but it is a risk I am prepared and have to take. I am so thankful that Carl will be with me as I start but it is going to be very hard doing it alone once he returns to our northern home. Next time I will see him it will be on ‘retrieval day’ and I just hope my body comes up with the goods. Following the IVF I will then be back in for another major operation but again, this time I will be more prepared. I will know what to expect, what I can and can’t do and the level of pain I will be under. I will also have systems in place for work so that I can take time off and out to recover without driving up the stress levels.

I see 2012 as being a very big stepping stone. I don’t really have any resolutions just the wish for me to feel as happy and content as this year. For Carl and I to continue to grow and build on our future, for my business to continue to be successful and prosper, for my friendships to continue to strengthen and for new ones to flourish and for my health and body to get back to being fit and healthy.

Last year I ended on that I was ready, this year I will end with my feelings that all will come right and will be ok:

I believe.

I am not immune... nor amused!

This weekend I have discovered that I am allergic to Flucloxacillin. Spending a weekend with a head and face the size of Shrek's and the acne of a teenager has not been one of my most enjoyable moments.

I think it has confirmed my immune system and general health is shot to pieces. Since my operation in June I seem to get poorly as soon as the slightest feeling of being 'run-down' shows. My wounds were not healing from October's procedure so I went to get antibiotics to clear the infection and I end up with an allergic reaction. Typical!

I need to start looking after myself better especially with the impending major surgery in early 2012 and possible chemotherapy. How can any drugs make me better if my body can't support it and reject everything?

I have an awesome support network but I need to be able to look after myself better. Other people need me to be strong. Tomorrow we find out the severity of my nan's cancer and mum will need me to be strong for her.

Mum said in January this year that it was going to be a year of 'health issues' and boy has she been right.

Things about me

I am a very tactile person who loves to sit and stroke arms, rub feet, fiddle and twirl hair, rub my feet together when comfy, rock to sleep, (all which I do without realising) and cuddle a ridiculous amount. However, I can not STAND the feel and touch of:

• Tea bags *shudder*
• Velvet *squirms*
• Mouse mats *squeals*
• Wool clothing (my wool skirt is hell to put on and smooth down)
• Carpet

Yes, the carpet is an odd thing. This doesn't mean feeling carpet with my hands (although you will never catch me running my hand over 'good pile') but mainly with my feet. I can not walk on carpet barefoot. You know that feeling when your feet are all smooth feeling? - that is the worse time to be on carpet. And those who rub their feet on carpet when they have an itch - that makes my teeth hurt as much as nails down a blackboard. Sometimes getting out of bed in someone else's house (I have floorboards throughout my house!) and walking across the carpet can send me into panic and I end up doing a special kind of walk on the sides of my feet - toes in air, to either a pair of socks or slippers.

I have no idea where this comes from - friends and family deem me as odd. Hey ho!

I might tell you something else about me soon but in the meantime, what makes your teeth hurt / body shudder / face wince?

Shaded Confessions

She had picked the tree. It was a vast oak with a strong reach providing plenty of shade against the mid-august sun. As they walked towards the large shadow, her eyes scanned for a place to sit - a spot where the grass was full, no thistles or twigs that might stab or sting her bare feet. Her heart was racing. She had wanted it to be perfect so that the moment was there and the words would flow.

They placed the old rug on a lush mound of grass, spreading the corners and kicking off shoes to weigh down the edges, protection against the summer breeze.

After unpacking the basket of homemade lemonade, triangles of sandwiches, strips of carrots and peppers to submerse in dips and two cup cakes each, she took a moment to stop and watch him. His eyes were beautiful. She had always loved his eyes - so many colours and flecks of light, she wondered whether she would ever see them cry or the colour become dull; the thought made her own eyes water so she pulled down her sunglasses to hide her thoughts.

They didn't say much whilst they ate and sipped the cold lemonade. Just a few pleasantries about how beautiful the day was and how the breeze was welcome as was the silence of the great open park. She wanted to say they should do it more often. She regrets not saying it now.

He ate, read the paper and snoozed in the sunshine. His body unwinding with every long exhale as she watched from behind her dark shades. Every so often she felt for the piece of

of paper that was in the pocket of her strappy summer dress. It was a hand written note, one that she had read countless times. She didn't actually need the note, she knew the words

off by heart but it reassured her. Twice she pulled it from her pocket and started to unravel the small squares, but twice, her fingers worked the paper back to its folded state.

She wanted to blurt the contents out and let all 357 words fall from her lips as quick as possible. What will he say? Will he laugh, cry or be angry. Will he scoop her up into his arms and kiss her with all the answers she will ever need.

She held the paper, clenched in her fist, took one breath and whispered... 'My name is not Clare...'

Timeline Terrors

One thing that I really don't understand, and am sure I never will, is how people can be cruel to others.

I detest bullying of any kind. Whether passively or aggressively, hurting other people is wrong.

And those that torment, tease, wear-down, control and purposely degrade and belittle are the worst type of bullies.

There are those that hide behind others,a bravado or an online personality who emotionally bully others for no other reason other than that they can. They find it entertaining and generally have no sense of compassion for anyone else.

Twitter has scared me recently. I have seen far too many nice people hurt and upset due to other Tweeters. It is all too easy to bitch, tease or degrade when no one knows who you are and when hidden by a computer screen.

As well as the general nasty attacks on time lines, there have been groups who jump on a bandwagon and who are quick to join in the name calling and bitterness when actually, they know nothing of the situation or the personal traumas that are taking place behind the scenes.

Twitter is a place to voice your mind and your opinion. Being able to have freedom of speech and reach a vast audience is in some ways what makes it special (and somewhat addictive) But what when that is taken too far? It forces people no option other than to leave, close accounts or be someone they don't want to be in the form of a new account.

This then doesn't make it real. And this isn't restricted to Twitter, all online forums face the same.

Whilst I have a lot of personal stuff to go through, I will be stepping back from Twitter for fear that comments will be made and I will be judged for decisions or depicted as someone who is always poorly and complaining, although I am not that type of person and those that know me, know that but, that doesn't protect me from those that don't and who will be quick to judge.