As you do this time of year, I have been thinking back over the past year and reflecting on what has been and what hasn't.
If there was one thing to describe my year, it would have to be relationships. I am not just talking about the opposite sex type of relationships but those in general that you have with people.
To some degree, I feel I have been in a constant relationship - not with the same person but certainly with the same notion. All of the relationships haven't developed beyond the 3 - 4 month stage and I now know, that it wasn't just the other person with the 'issue' but it was me also. I have come to the conclusion that I am consciously/subconsciously choosing people, albeit there is the 'connection', who aren't actually ready or willing, or have a commitment issue. But, perhaps that is because I have one. Perhaps it is because, despite what I tell myself, I am not ready to settle and I have issues with the big C. It would make sense and I know the reason why, but when I tell myself (and others) that I am over what he did to me, do I mean it and will the thing that is needed in a relationship (the big T) ever come back?
This year I have had all the reasons - not suited, distance, timing, work commitments, rebound etc etc... Am I picking these for a reason? Do I actually mind the hurt and pain when another 'something' has to end? I now don't know.
It seems relationships are intensified through texting, Internet dating, social media etc and it is hard to then make them work in the real life (whatever that is!) But then if you don't make it real, are you always wondering 'what if'? So surely it is best to try?
Maybe this is where I have gone wrong.
I know though, if I looked at myself and the reasons why I can't commit, it would be the same - timing, work etc. Setting up a business has been the hardest thing I have done so far and I am not sure people truly understand. My work and constant working has changed relationships with my family and friends. I don't get to see people as often as I like and I often (well at least over the last month) have had to cancel plans to see people because of deadlines and working every hour.
My constant work has led to utter exhaustion and a burn out. Generally Sundays are the worst days (note the day of this post!!) and I think this is because I wind down slightly yet feel so tired to be able to do anything. I miss my friends deeply and I miss the relationships I had, perhaps they haven't changed and it is all just me and my thinking but when you work on your own all day, live on your own 24/7 your mind can take over. I am sure they understand but lately, my most loneliest times are when I am with them and with people; perhaps I have isolated myself. I don't know. I have tried to make effort and keep up with things but work and tiredness has meant I have forgotten things.
So, in an effort to re-align and balance my life I am going to set my new year resolution and aim for 2011 to be to get a healthy balance and to not choose for the sake of choosing - When it is right, it will be - and it will be worthwhile. And, to not let work become between me and the people I love the most.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Monday, 27 September 2010
Pack up your troubles.....
It was all so much easier when I was younger. There were rules and procedures that were followed; to let you know, them know, yours and their friends know. You knew where you stood, they knew where they stood, it was all exciting and lovely and then someone got 'dumped'.
Yes, I am talking about the world of dating, seeing, going-out and being in a 'relationship'.
What is it all about and why now at nearly 31 years of age do I still not get it? Is it because as we get older there is less drama around dating and we can read the signs more clearly to know if something is right or not (What are those signs again?), so we deal with and I guess process people quicker; that we don't have to ask or is it just because times have changed and everyone does it differently now.
Even my sister who is 16, is in a relationship having dated, seen each other and now 'In a Relationship' It is on Facebook so therefore official.
So what is the difference? in all these stages? Do they exist or are they just excuses to be still playing the field?
Should I be asking these questions or take it for a given that after a couple of months of dating that I am now in a relationship. Do you not have to have 'the talk' where one says "will you go out with me?" and the other, playing it quite cool and calm says "Yes, I would love to"
Even my Nan is proclaiming "well they must know if they are boyfriend and girlfriend", I guess in her day, there was no 'seeing' stage, just a date and then marriage and children.
I think I am going through a 'have to know' phase where usually I am quite chilled and happy to go with the flow. But maybe that is where I have gone wrong, I haven't set the stage and asked what it is. But then isn't that a bit off-putting? A little bit keen? I mean, there has the be the element of 'playing it cool' and girls certainly do their share of that, I think I have played it subzero in the past and then the ice age has happened and everything is frozen.
I am rambling I know. But this is my head right now and I need it to be in a state of serenity.
Am thinking that it is probably not so 'cool' to be asking, but then if they are in the 'seeing' stage and you are in the 'relationship' stage is that not just spelling heartache? And then there starting the conversation, "So... ummm.... I have been thinking.... ummm, yeah are we.. you know....?" Urgh, it is painful thinking about it.
Maybe I could email it.. or ask the question on Facebook? Because that is how the kids do it!
Yes, I am talking about the world of dating, seeing, going-out and being in a 'relationship'.
What is it all about and why now at nearly 31 years of age do I still not get it? Is it because as we get older there is less drama around dating and we can read the signs more clearly to know if something is right or not (What are those signs again?), so we deal with and I guess process people quicker; that we don't have to ask or is it just because times have changed and everyone does it differently now.
Even my sister who is 16, is in a relationship having dated, seen each other and now 'In a Relationship' It is on Facebook so therefore official.
So what is the difference? in all these stages? Do they exist or are they just excuses to be still playing the field?
Should I be asking these questions or take it for a given that after a couple of months of dating that I am now in a relationship. Do you not have to have 'the talk' where one says "will you go out with me?" and the other, playing it quite cool and calm says "Yes, I would love to"
Even my Nan is proclaiming "well they must know if they are boyfriend and girlfriend", I guess in her day, there was no 'seeing' stage, just a date and then marriage and children.
I think I am going through a 'have to know' phase where usually I am quite chilled and happy to go with the flow. But maybe that is where I have gone wrong, I haven't set the stage and asked what it is. But then isn't that a bit off-putting? A little bit keen? I mean, there has the be the element of 'playing it cool' and girls certainly do their share of that, I think I have played it subzero in the past and then the ice age has happened and everything is frozen.
I am rambling I know. But this is my head right now and I need it to be in a state of serenity.
Am thinking that it is probably not so 'cool' to be asking, but then if they are in the 'seeing' stage and you are in the 'relationship' stage is that not just spelling heartache? And then there starting the conversation, "So... ummm.... I have been thinking.... ummm, yeah are we.. you know....?" Urgh, it is painful thinking about it.
Maybe I could email it.. or ask the question on Facebook? Because that is how the kids do it!
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Poppy tears
Yesterday I sat at my desk and burst into tears. The two minute silence had just finished, tweets were coming through on twitter with kind words of remembrance for the brave souls and a song came onto the radio that made my hairs stand on end as my eyes prickle.
I felt so desperately sad, not only for those that have lost their lives in wars – both the distant past and the recent weeks but also for those soldiers and ex soldiers who continue on. My thoughts went to an ex soldier who although alive, has lost his life through so many ways. War destroyed his soul and spirit and led him down troubled paths. It has and is taking years for those demons to be put to bed. I don’t think they will ever truly disappear; there will always be the memories of the sights and sounds of war. I also thought of my friend’s partner who at 27 joined the army this year and who is set to go on a tour of duty in spring. I hope he will be ok; the scars that he may return with scare me.
I also thought of someone else who I can see is broken and who has stopped his heart from believing in something that he started, something that he has grown and developed. Times have been very hard and instead of sharing, he has buried his head in the sand and prayed that all will be well. It isn’t well and it won’t be. All I can do is motivate and try to empower him with some faith in what he and his team believe in and the skills and talents they have. I only hope his grasp hasn’t let go completely.
Then there was my brother, who is the most caring, gentle, loving gentleman I know but who never seems to find himself in an easy relationship. His fiancé had ended their relationship leaving him distraught and lost. When he falls in love, he falls hard, deep and fast and after a number of long relationships that have followed a similar path, all we want is for him to find his ‘one’ and not someone who demands so much of his time and who takes advantage of his good nature.
My tears were interrupted by a fire drill, so wiping my eyes and grabbing my things, I made my way to the check point in the park where I stood and thought: All I can do is continue to be me, to keep growing and to provide the helping hand, the cuddles and the support to help them through these not so bright times.
I felt so desperately sad, not only for those that have lost their lives in wars – both the distant past and the recent weeks but also for those soldiers and ex soldiers who continue on. My thoughts went to an ex soldier who although alive, has lost his life through so many ways. War destroyed his soul and spirit and led him down troubled paths. It has and is taking years for those demons to be put to bed. I don’t think they will ever truly disappear; there will always be the memories of the sights and sounds of war. I also thought of my friend’s partner who at 27 joined the army this year and who is set to go on a tour of duty in spring. I hope he will be ok; the scars that he may return with scare me.
I also thought of someone else who I can see is broken and who has stopped his heart from believing in something that he started, something that he has grown and developed. Times have been very hard and instead of sharing, he has buried his head in the sand and prayed that all will be well. It isn’t well and it won’t be. All I can do is motivate and try to empower him with some faith in what he and his team believe in and the skills and talents they have. I only hope his grasp hasn’t let go completely.
Then there was my brother, who is the most caring, gentle, loving gentleman I know but who never seems to find himself in an easy relationship. His fiancé had ended their relationship leaving him distraught and lost. When he falls in love, he falls hard, deep and fast and after a number of long relationships that have followed a similar path, all we want is for him to find his ‘one’ and not someone who demands so much of his time and who takes advantage of his good nature.
My tears were interrupted by a fire drill, so wiping my eyes and grabbing my things, I made my way to the check point in the park where I stood and thought: All I can do is continue to be me, to keep growing and to provide the helping hand, the cuddles and the support to help them through these not so bright times.
Friday, 10 April 2009
What to do
I have been sat with my laptop open and in front of me for the last 30 minutes, trying to write about how I am feeling. I write a sentence and then delete it; none of the words are enough.
How do you help someone through a break-up? Other than being there, talking or not talking about the situation, offering love and support. How do you help make the pain go away?
Laura was amazing when I ended my 10 year relationship. I just hope I don't let her down now that her heart is breaking. I feel so helpless.
How do you help someone through a break-up? Other than being there, talking or not talking about the situation, offering love and support. How do you help make the pain go away?
Laura was amazing when I ended my 10 year relationship. I just hope I don't let her down now that her heart is breaking. I feel so helpless.
Friday, 13 June 2008
You
You are in my house and I feel uncomfortable
I am not there, but you are
You are walking through rooms where we used to laugh
Are memories of our love, laughter in our first home flooding your thoughts?
You look into my bedroom
It was once our room
Where we slept, talked and held each other
Are memories of our love-making, nakedness and my touch reminding you of a desire?
You are in my bathroom
It isn't clean and tidy to your standard
The toilet that you fitted is broken
Are memories of your hard work and DIY filling you with a sense of lost achievement?
You are in my kitchen
The pin-board holds no notes or lists from you, no memoirs of days out
The calendar displays peoples names and events that you do not recognise
Are memories of the fun we used to have, how we were best friends evoking loss and regret?
I am not there, but you are
You are walking through rooms where we used to laugh
Are memories of our love, laughter in our first home flooding your thoughts?
You look into my bedroom
It was once our room
Where we slept, talked and held each other
Are memories of our love-making, nakedness and my touch reminding you of a desire?
You are in my bathroom
It isn't clean and tidy to your standard
The toilet that you fitted is broken
Are memories of your hard work and DIY filling you with a sense of lost achievement?
You are in my kitchen
The pin-board holds no notes or lists from you, no memoirs of days out
The calendar displays peoples names and events that you do not recognise
Are memories of the fun we used to have, how we were best friends evoking loss and regret?
Thursday, 29 May 2008
Not so much of a conversation
It was cold where I was stood.
I was nervous to see you and I was worried conversation would be awkward.
It was.
Those moments of silence between us which used to be comfortable are now impossible.
Back to basics.
How is work? the house? your car?
Fine.
You?
Yeah. Good.
Pause.
It can never be like it was. We will never as close. I can accept and understand it.
You can't, but then this was all your doing
I am shivering, I want to go back inside but something holds me in the awkwardness.
Maybe because I have the upper-hand and because I know I am and will be ok.
Maybe because I am over you.
I was nervous to see you and I was worried conversation would be awkward.
It was.
Those moments of silence between us which used to be comfortable are now impossible.
Back to basics.
How is work? the house? your car?
Fine.
You?
Yeah. Good.
Pause.
It can never be like it was. We will never as close. I can accept and understand it.
You can't, but then this was all your doing
I am shivering, I want to go back inside but something holds me in the awkwardness.
Maybe because I have the upper-hand and because I know I am and will be ok.
Maybe because I am over you.
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
The End
"I can't do this anymore" she said as her eyes fixed on the black mark on the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks "you have hurt me more than I ever thought was capable."
Silence.
Nothing.
She continued to stare at the mark imagining it as a hole; a deep chasm like the one that has been growing between them. If only that hole could suck the sharpness of the atmosphere out of the room, if only she could jump in escape the agonising pain. She looked at his eyes for the first time since he had entered the room. He had returned from work fifteen minutes ago with his head hanging low, the dark cloud still hovering closely. His eyes were empty, no longer the beautiful deep brown shiny stones which had been one of the first things she had noticed all those years ago.
"You have never even said that you are sorry"
"I am sorry" his voice a little higher than usual.
Her eyes move back to the black hole. Heart pounding, she thought about the long road she had taken to here - the point of exhaustion, the point of realisation; he didn't love her and she was no longer his first choice. Years of hope, denial and fear - what had she become? who had she become?
It was never meant to be this way.
Silence.
Nothing.
She continued to stare at the mark imagining it as a hole; a deep chasm like the one that has been growing between them. If only that hole could suck the sharpness of the atmosphere out of the room, if only she could jump in escape the agonising pain. She looked at his eyes for the first time since he had entered the room. He had returned from work fifteen minutes ago with his head hanging low, the dark cloud still hovering closely. His eyes were empty, no longer the beautiful deep brown shiny stones which had been one of the first things she had noticed all those years ago.
"You have never even said that you are sorry"
"I am sorry" his voice a little higher than usual.
Her eyes move back to the black hole. Heart pounding, she thought about the long road she had taken to here - the point of exhaustion, the point of realisation; he didn't love her and she was no longer his first choice. Years of hope, denial and fear - what had she become? who had she become?
It was never meant to be this way.
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