Leaves, acorns and ice cream

Autumn is my favourite time of year. I love the smells, the colours and the way it makes me feel. After the sticky heat of summer and the previous busy 9 months (that seemed to have flown by) the fresh earthy breeze and low summer sun fills me with a sense of contentment. And for the first time in a very long time, I feel content with myself – who I am and what I have.

At the weekend I drove to Oxford and on a blustery day, my journey was adorned with golden leaves, whether falling from the sky like rain or spinning in a whirlwind in a hidden corner of a college wall. As I watched the leaves I felt warmth.There was a great feeling in Oxford with university students moving into new accommodation – some returning for another year, others beginning a new chapter of their lives. You could feel the apprehension and excitement. Sat in sunshine outside a popular pub, I watched parents carrying boxes of belongings – the contents of a bedroom ready to fill a new space of independence. Mothers ‘clucking’ with maps in their hands, and fathers keeping the calm whilst bursting with pride. There were the cool students with eclectic style, those in tweed and flat caps and girls looking like they were fresh from the Joules catalogue. I felt excited for them and envious for the experiences ahead of them. It was good to be there.

Another reason I love autumn is for the pigs. Yes, the pigs. Living so close to the New Forest means that when the pigs are out in the forest eating the acorns so the ponies don’t eat them, I can go on a little piggy hunt (which I do most years!) A weekend ago, I took the girlies on an afternoon trip to the forest in hunt of some pink porkies – which we found just outside Brockenhurst. They were too cute. Heading across the forest we stopped on the Ornamental Drive for an ice cream, sitting in the low sunshine with the smell of firs, enjoying the last of the afternoon sun.

The Girlies and their ice-creams

I am managing to do all the things that I want to do, with pretty much no thought to anyone else and what anyone may think. It feels good. I am happy and content with what I have, what I am doing and where I am going. Suddenly turning 30 in 10 day’s time doesn’t seem so bad and I am left wondering what all my previous fussing was about.

Thoughts of today

I spin a pattern

intricate threads

too thin to stand on

silver in sunlight

heavy with dew

straight lines 

confused with crossroads 

a beating heart 

hot in the centre

temptress tasting 

gentle breezes sway

flowing on a sigh

a whisper echos

as I pull them 

close

and hold

still

Love is a thief

In order to move forward sometimes we have to look backwards to where we have been and the challenges we have overcome – to look back at the hurt and almost feel the pain again of those situations which we often claim: ‘Made us a better people’.

I have been doing a lot of looking back recently because once again I have found myself at life’s crossroads, where all the signs are either broken or splayed with graffiti, preventing me from clearly seeing which way to go.

This blog began as I ended a ten year relationship with someone I lived with, owned a house with and loved very much. His actions and choices broke me as a person and for many months I tried to hold on to something that he had already given to someone else. I am still not over his betrayal and I don’t think I will ever be. It still hurts and it still makes me cry but I can think back to the person I had become whilst he sat of the fence eating a whole load of cake, and know that I will not be that person again or find myself in the same situation.

I met a very special person not long after who made me feel alive again, someone who encouraged me creatively and made me feel like a true princess. The reason, season, lifetime title of this blog was from our first conversation on New Year’s Eve 2008. Whether the relationship should have started then, I don’t know; we both had own our issues to deal with but somehow we were like two lost souls with and understanding and appreciation of how hard (and shit) life can be. We helped each other through harsh times, both making bad choices along the way and leaning on each other a little too much.

Being there for someone is hard work and I think it takes a particular, well trained person to be able to listen and support someone’s problems, issues or dramas without personally taking it on. I am someone that everyone likes to talk to – I am a good listener and I want to help, but over time, and every now and then I burst with other people’s pain, leaving myself very open and highlighting my own insecurities.

This time round though, I have had to be selfish and think of myself and what I want and what makes me happy, because honestly, I have not been happy for some time. Friends and family find this strange – they tell me to look at what I have: a great job, beautiful house, etc but these are nothing to me when I am feeling so low. It has been a very hard decision to step out and away from a relationship with someone who adores and loves me and breaking a heart in the process. I feel sad and I miss my friend, but I know that I need to look after myself and concentrate on what I want from life – take time to do the things that make me happy. We may have ended on a season but I hope that I have a lifetime friend.

So, what do I want? If only I knew. To be happy and free from worry would be a great start, and I think I am getting there. I am now comfortable with living on my own – I get lonely a lot and I get overwhelmed sometimes with the amount of effort it takes to keep a house going – and an old house at that! There is always a leak or something that needs fixing but I have a lot of people who I can call upon to help. And for days, and evenings when I am feeling alone, I have found solace in the world of Twitter- a comforting distraction full of like-minded, interesting and nice people.

Little steps every day is how I am moving forward, smiling every day and not worrying what others may or may not think. Slowly but surely I am getting there. I know that the future holds great happy times but at the moment, I am happy exploring the roads that lead from the crossroads.

Until next time

They stood on the platform, side by side with fingers entwined in a knowing clasp. There had been no words for several minutes. They just stood facing the line together, breathing simultaneous heavy sighs.

He hated these times, his heart always the same - deep rhythmic beats as they waited for the train to take her away. Small beads of sweat gathered under his trilby, giving away his anxiousness as they rolled down his temples. She must have seen from the corner of her gaze, for her fingers tightened, warm with re-assurance.

Across the platform, on the northern line, stood a young couple locked in an embrace so tight, that it was difficult to see where one ended and the other began; kissing with such passion it was as though their lives depended on the taste of the other’s lips. They watched, remembering back to the first time they had stood on the platform, a fondness for the memory made both of them smile; gone were the days of such physical goodbyes but flame still burned.

She lifted her free hand; red dry skin gave a sign of how age had caught up with her, similar to the mid September chill that tickled the back of her neck. Years ago she would have been like the young girl in the embrace – her legs bare, long and toned in a short yellow skirt and heels. She pulled her silk scarf close around her neck to stop the cold whisper. Where had time run away to? She looked at the gold watch on her wrist (her most recent gift that she would have to justify with a story of extravagant expenditure); it indicated that she had two minutes left. She turned to her everlasting love, his eyes sparkling with the dew of goodbye, his deep brown eyes still managed to leave her breathless. His eyes always said the same, twice a year, for forty years, they had begged her not to go and to leave him again, not to return to the life he was not part of. She thought about the day she had chosen her destiny and how she wished, all those years ago that she had listened to her heart.

Childhood Summers

I dream of summers passed, of times captured under a orange haze; the smell of roses, perfumed sweet peas. Strawberry splits whilst legs dangle and toes dip in the cool racing river. A garden kingdom for cowboys and red Indians, a climbing frame castle to hide from the 'baddies'. Imaginations fly and set sail on rafts, lost at sea until the soda stream flows. The softness of grass, lush underfoot, the tickle of straw against running legs. A family picnic with bat and ball, bright melamine plates dressed with triangle sandwiches, cups full of cherryade pop. The old dog pants - searching for shade until paddling pool splashes provide a cooling game. Laughter and songs as games are played, cheerful tunes and a screwball surprise. A day on the beach, hours in the sea, car journeys home with fish and chips on knees. Tired to bed with sun-kissed skin and dreams of the adventure that the next day brings

Doing it for the kids - Support Zimele UK

A few years ago, one of my best friends left the UK for 9 months to work in an orphanage in South Africa. I remember her leaving party and how proud I felt of her for doing such an amazing thing – something I didn’t think I could ever be strong enough to do. My friend, who has a medical background worked with children who had been orphaned due to the HIV and AIDS pandemic that is strife across Africa. Many of the children carried the virus and had to be given drugs every day, Peta campaigned for their treatment and drove the children miles to see doctors in a area that was unsafe to be in. During her time there, it was heartbreaking to hear news of not all the children surviving. I admired Peta so much for what she was doing and wrote every month and sent packages for the children – little things like sweets and cartoon plasters, all of which were really appreciated and something new.

I have always wanted to do something like Peta; to do something where I feel I can make a difference, but even my mum tells me I don’t have a strong enough heart to do so. Maybe in a few years when I have a little more wisdom on life and confidence in myself I would like to think I could.

Peta wasn’t the only one who shared this experience and since returning, she has joined three other volunteers who worked in the Kwa Natal communities of South Africa, and set up the UK arm of a charity called Zimele which provides support through projects and skills to the adults and guardians allowing them to look after the children. It is an amazing charity that with little steps and efforts by some very committed people, provides help to those struggling with poverty and who have lost loved ones.Again, wanting to be involved and to help where I can I have become a trustee to provide the marketing support to get the charity off the ground. As with all these things, it takes time and time seems something that gets lost every day. We are all trying to do our bit – from selling the handmade crafts from South Africa at local markets and fair-trade events to writing press releases and arranging fundraising events. Which leads me onto number one of my Things to do before I am 30 list – I have set up my fundraising page and sent it out to all friends and family committing myself to jumping out of a plane at 14,000ft in September. Yikes. I am hoping that I can raise a good amount of sponsorship which will give the projects a great boost and set Zimele UK on the way to being a registered charity (which was another item on my list!)

So, if you are reading this and would like to sponsor me, please go to my fundraising page and donate what you can – even if it is a pound – it makes a difference, and gives me what I need – because believe me, I am going to be shaking like a leaf, with my heart in my mouth as that plan goes up and the doors open.

Thank you ; ) x

Catching up with everything

I feel that I have neglected this blog recently and guilty that I have been spending more time on Twitter. I almost feel unfaithful to my blog – that I haven’t taken time to sit and write about what I have been doing, feeling or post any stories. Being here now feels a little awkward, as though I have done something wrong. But in my justification, I have found some brilliant new blogs and have enjoyed reading other people’s work.

It was through Twitter that Nik Perring asked what questions fellow Twitterers would like to ask authors for a series of interviews he was doing. Intrgrigued as to how authors separate real life and stories, I submitted some questions and low and behold, Nik used them when interviewing Vanessa Gebbie, the author of Words from a Glass Bubble. My questions were based around inspiration which I have been struggling with. I wondered what the most unsual place she had found inspiration as I do find I can be in the most random of places when something triggers - a noise or smell perhaps, but turning that idea into something is another story! I also asked about writing fiction and writing about oneself which she answers with some great advice. You can read his interview here.

Another reason for my lackadaisical approach is that I have been on my HOLIDAYS. I spent a lovely relaxing week in Parga, Greece with Martyn two weeks ago, which was booked with thanks to Emily at My Shitty Twenties. It was an amazing place -so friendly and traditional. I have updated my travel blog - Traveling Upside Down with the story of our litte adventure and included some pictures of the beautiful town.

I am hoping that now that I have had some time off I will be a little more focused and I have promised my blog that I will no longer neglect it. I know that I am going to have lots to say soon as I am hoping to stike off some of my Things to do before I am 30 list.