XX

a kiss at the end of a story
a beautiful
perfect story

a kiss across the sky
the bluest
breath-taking sky

a kiss at the end of a note
a sincere
pencilled note

a kiss at the end of an evening
a perfect
lovely evening

A change....

......is as good as a rest

I don’t think I have laughed so much and so hard as what I did over the weekend. My stomach and cheeks still hurt.

I took a little trip over to the Isle of Wight to stay with my mum, stepdad and younger brother who are on holiday for the week in a lovely little caravan, right on the beach near Brighstone. I have my sister staying with me because she didn’t want to go on the family holiday because it is “boring” and they go there “every year... do the same thing and go to the same places” Despite her feeling this way, we headed over to the island early Saturday morning for the weekend and caught up with mum, Sam and the dog on the beach. Mum looked so pleased to see us, I know how she loves having her brood all together, just such a same we were missing one.

We did the usual: walking, pub lunch, stroll along beach, afternoon nap (well I did, I need my nana naps!) and dinner at the local pub followed by drunken games of I Spy and Charades.

Here are the highlights that made my belly split:

My mum leading us on a walk to Steephill Cove (the name of the cove is more than obvious!) with the promise to my stepdad (who had a knee replacement 2 years ago and still struggles) that there was a pub at the bottom where his efforts down the hill would be rewarded. There wasn’t. She was thinking of somewhere else.

Whilst having a pub lunch on Saturday afternoon (after walking back up from Steephill Cove) My younger brother, who actually says very little – just grunts (he is 14) stated, how he thought it was clever how the pint glass had a map of the IOW on it. I was drinking a Fosters shandy – apparently Australia and the Isle of Wight look the same.

We had dinner on Saturday evening at a very nice homely, traditional pub and as we were all tucking into our meals, the silence was interrupted by my stepdad, who, as he leant forward to put a fork full of fish and chips in his mouth, broke wind. There were two tables of people behind him. He blamed the dog, Lucy who was crashed out under the table. We couldn’t eat for sometime through the laughter and tears. I have never seen him so embarrassed.

There was the field full of cows who were overly friendly and transfixed by my stepdad, now named the Cow Whisper.. It was funny but a kind of ‘had to be there’ moment so I won’t try and explain.

Back at the caravan, more wine was opened and the games started. I Spy had never been so interesting with one guess being a ‘blue veined chicken’. Erm.. in the caravan?? I think not. We then moved onto Charades which sister Flossy made up as she went along but her Antiques Roadshow was the best and had us rolling about on the floor. My Jungle Book went down pretty well too.

It was such a good break and just what I needed. I feel refreshed and have certainly got some of my head space back thanks to the 7 mile beach walk and the laughter. Sometimes, family is all you need.

Just say YES!

I watched Yes Man at the weekend. Unfortunately I never read the book by Danny Wallace and I wish I had, as most of my friends said it was hilarious and one of the best they had read. I didn't think the film was that great. Yes, Jim Carrey is funny and played the part well and I chuckled in places but that was it. But what I did take from it is that I am a bit of a 'Yes' person. Not in the sense that I often say yes when I don't want to or that I feel that I have to but in the sense that I very rarely let something go without a try. If there is an opportunity going - I am there.

It has also made me reflect back to when I was a 'No' person. Looking back, I didn't do much, I was scared a lot of the time and lived in a bubble of false security. I remember at times when my ex and I were going through the months of turmoil, that in a bid to save what we had I started to do a few things on my own to show I did have confidence. Things such as getting the train into town on my own and meeting him and his work colleagues for drinks and getting the ferry over the Isle of Wight for the weekend to visit my mum who was on holiday. I remember at that particular time thinking that I was doing something great and completely out my comfort zone - being Miss Independent! I remember my ex commenting on how unlike it was of me and being surprised.

Now I couldn't be more different. Give me a place to go and I will. Whether it is flying to Australia on my own, driving into and around London, travelling the country to meet friends, some who I have only know through the world of twitter but have proved to be fantastic friends and meeting in person has only strengthened friendships. If someone suggests something, generally I am there.

I know there are people around me who don't do the same and that miss opportunities, all I can say is life is too short to be missed by saying no. Bite the bullet and say yes!

Today there were signs

She always sat in the left hand side. Actually it was the right side but she preferred to always look and think of things head on. So, she always sat on the left hand side as she approached from the war memorial; the memorial that was always forgotten on Remembrance Day.

She always sat on the end, perched in elegance with a straight back, ankles and knees together with her hands rested in her lap and her hair pushed back behind her ears.
She was always a few minutes before him. She liked that she could watch his approach, pretending to be smiling at children in the playground or at the fat pigeons that patrolled the park.

She always thought that if he was there before her, and he watched her approach, then he would know by her walk and the way her hips flirted with her skirt in the gentle spring breeze. It would be all too obvious.

Instead she watched him and played games in her mind, guessing each day what he would pull from his bag for his lunch. She liked to think about sandwiches and how she would prepare his lunch which such care that he would be able to taste her love.

She always acknowledged his approach by blushing slightly, her cheeks flushing rose pink whilst her heart raced at the thought of the day being the actual day. She hoped that he couldn’t see the small vibrations on her blouse which, to her, seemed so powerful that they might burst the small yellow buttons from her chest.

He always sat at the other end, sometimes he would be closer, only slightly but this made her knee bounce with delight. She enjoyed the days where the breeze stole his smell so that she could wear it all the way home.

Today the signs had been there: the sun danced on his jet black hair, his eyes alive with life. The breeze carried his musky sweet smell, embracing her as he approached. He sat closer than normal and from the corner of her eye she watched as he opened his rucksack and pulled out the neatly wrapped tin-foil lunch package. She saw a book, a diary with a name written in blue Biro across a white label positioned perfectly at the top right corner. "Tim P Johnson" she muttered over and over in her head whilst picturing her signature and how she would loop the 's' with the 'j'.

She knew his name and that was enough. She turned to her left, smiled and said "Hold me Tim"

Stuck

I have too many things to say, but I don't know where to start. The beginning doesn't seem the right place because I don't know where that is.

I want some head space to work out what I want to say, to finish the things that I have started but not been able to because of feeling so tired. All my drafts end with a random word. I don't even remember where I was going with them.

I think I need a holiday or perhaps just a day sat at the beach where I can do nothing but watch the sea.

Turning the page into a new chapter

One of my best friends has gone into labour today. It is the start of a new chapter for her and for all of us.

Having grown up together since playschool and secondary school, I like to think that my friends and I are a bit like Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex and the City (except without their money!) We are all best friends and have been there for each other through almost every type of emotion and situation from family separations, losing parents, break ups, depression, marriage, new relationships, career changes and those drunken girlie holiday and nights out where we have danced and giggled until the sun has come up.

However, there is a new emotion and experience that one friend is going through now, one that the rest of us have no idea about and can not even empathise with the feelings and pain: childbirth.

I think we all had visions of being married at the same time and then pregnant in unison so we could be 'mums who lunch' together, but that is by far the case and J is about to set the scene and experience something without the rest of us.

Having been sat with her this afternoon whilst her contractions went from 8 minutes to 4, I felt helpless and so emotional that I had no idea what she was going through or how to help. Her tears down her rosy cheeks made my eyes well-up with every contraction.

She is going to be the first of us to be a parent and even though baby is on it's way, it is still so surreal. I can't believe that the next time I see J & P, they will be a mummy and daddy and there will be a baby and that they will be a family.

I am so excited for them, they are going to be amazing parents who will have a lot of help, love and support from us. I already have the title of Nanna Jo (I can't be Auntie Jo because apparently I am too much like a nan!) I am hoping that they will love the patchwork quilt I have made (with my mum's help of course!)

So much is changing. I look back at how far we have come, both in our lives and as friends and I am very humbled at what has been. We are all facing new chapters but nothing seems as scary when you have your best friends with you.

Come on Jadey!... you can do it beautiful x

Taking a moment

I can feel that I am on the edge of something. A big change.

Now is not the time to be indecisive or to think about the what ifs. I have to decide what I want and where I want my life and career to go.

Fight of flight.

It is scary.

I wish there was someone to hold my hand.

I have to be bold, I have to say what needs to be said and be confident in my execution of words and desires. There is no time to beat around the bush. The tail has been chased for long enough.

This is me trying to work things out in my head which is all a bit of jumbled mess.

There is sunshine though.