Birthday treats

It has taken me a week to find the time to sit down and write about what an amazing birthday I had last weekend.

I love October (and that isn't just because of it being my birth month) because everything smells, feels and looks different, almost more relaxed. October is perfect for bumbling around cities, going for walks, dinner with friends, having afternoon tea and inhaling proper home-cooked, home-grown food complemented with a nice deep glass of red wine.

And I did all of this to celebrate my 32nd Birthday, here are some highlights:

My amazing hand-drawn birthday card from Carl with the message: 'When a Geek makes a cake, he uses a plan, not a recipe' And what cakes he made too! 20 delicious and beautifully decorated cupcakes - he had the help of a few of the girls and by what I gather there was some production line in process full of glitter, icing and pigs! But they were amazing.

My extra special and ultra amazing present from Carl was a laser-cut print from my favourite Artist, Rob Ryan along with a Thank you card and note from Rob himself. Absolutely stunning and very overwhelming - I am one very lucky girl.

And to finish the Rob Ryan theme and the continuing list of thoughtful pressies from my family and friends, Lucy and Ally bought me his latest book, 'A Sky Full of Kindness', a beautiful bedtime story that in no doubt will leave me in tears. I can see it being a book that I will read to my children and grandchildren which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

The weekend was truly special and I have never felt so spoilt and loved.

Thank you to my Mr Man Carl, my family and my lovely girlies and friends.

P.s... Can we all do it again soon? x

Survival

She must be scared and she must be overwhelmed with sadness at what may happen. She is stuck in the middle; her child and the one she vowed to be with for the rest of her life.

History is repeating itself. Her first born flew as soon as her wings were ready; never looking back.

Fight or flight.

This time it is not as easy, the young is his own flesh and blood. He wants to protects, he tries to love but doesn't understand the beauty of unconditional love. He rages and torments, never seeing good, only finding the bad. The young reacts. She is strong-minded (much like him) and fights her corner with uncontrolled tone. The tension builds and the air thickens as the house becomes smaller.

Fight or flight.

And all the time, she looks on - stuck and unheard.

Today

a brave face and confident smile

september sun reflecting thoughts

familiar smells transporting wishes

gentle breezes carry lazy dreams

deep inside a yearning grows

broken hopes and tired scars

autumn pulls close those that love

to share the fear of never knowing

The lesson of the pink slippers

We can all be paranoid-androids at times, worrying about what others think and how they may perceive us.

I think I am having a particularly *sensitive* time at the moment and getting a more than little frustrated at how others perceive me or don't.

A time with an ex boyfriend sticks in my mind and when I feel like this I remember the scene and his words: "What other people think of you is their business and not yours". He said this whilst we walked around Eastleigh to pick up some lunch whilst he was wearing my pink fluffy slippers. I was embarrassed but in hindsight, I have learnt a lot from his attitude of not to worry about what people may think.

I am remembering that day today whilst battling with the urge to shout my side of the story. To set a few people straight with things that have happened, happening and that certainly haven't happened. But that will take time and energy and really, do those people care? Are they actually interested in the reality? I don't think so and if they were - I don't think it would make any difference. People form sides, make their own minds up and judge as they wish. What they think of me is none of business and I should just try to bury the thoughts and remember that I am a good person and all the people I love and care about already know that - I don't need to try and convince anyone else.

Now... where are those pink slippers.....

Things as they are

I think I have mentioned before that I have a book of quotes and lines from things that have moved me or resonated with the way I feel. Some are from books, some songs and even from people I know who have uttered small words of wisdom and insight.

There is one quote that has been playing on my mind since last Tuesday and that is that 'things are as they are'. Think of water trickling down a stream. It responds to what is there with effortless action. It isn't bothered by the stones or twigs that are in the way; it doesn't try to move them or struggle over them, it just goes around them. The water accepts things as they are and gets on with it.

Last Tuesday I had a follow-up ultrasound and the news was not the greatest. I was told that my remaining ovary "doesn't look normal at all" and that it has several white 'flecks' around it - some bigger than others. I also have a large fibroid and lots of polyps. Basically, my insides are a bit of a mess. After what seemed a long screening, the Doctor explained and then said to me that I would never fall pregnant whilst all that was inside. Geeee thanks! So, back into the system I go whilst the consultants decide what to do. The following day I had my meeting at the fertility clinic who told me they have declined any funding for any IVF treatment as a back-up following Derek's disruption. My head exploded. I mentioned the results of the previous day (which he was unaware of because he hadn't read the report!) and was told that if my consultant decides to remove the left ovary sometime soon then there may be more of a case to try and get funding for a round of treatment. Otherwise, the cost is over £4000 or available on the NHS if nothing has happened after 3 years of trying. My head exploded again. I am back in the hands of my consultant - if he decides to get me in for more surgery and remove the left ovary then I have a chance of funding, if he wants to leave it in and keep it monitored, well, I don't think it, (as in babies) will happen.

Something seems a little against me but I haven't let it get to me. I feel sad but also positive that it will happen one day in some way. I can't change my insides or make them better, I just have to go with the flow and trust in that things are as they are.

On a more cheery note, but still in a bit of a deep thought. I have been touched and moved this weekend after spending 3 days with lovely friends and meeting new ones at Bestival.

I tried to not think about the appointments and results but instead danced and sang and enjoyed myself. I never went far from Carl, I think we became a little more connected after the results and just wanted to be constantly close - for reassurance in that everything will be ok.

I had a moment on Sunday evening, well a couple in fact as Robyn took to the stage and ended her set with 'Every Heartbeat' I blogged about what the song means to me some time ago (Thinking back thinking of you) But seeing her live, hearing those words "but I don't look back" filled me with so much emotion that I burst into tears. I haven't looked back and even now, with everything, I know that I have made the right decisions and that I have to trust in things as they are.

And my highlight? It has to be Brian Wilson on Friday afternoon. He may be old and his voice may be giving up but the man is a genius and as the sun shone, I sang and danced without a care in the world.

Thank you to everyone who made the weekend special x

A year on...

Time flies when you are having fun or if you are a busy little bumble bee.

This month it will have been a year that I was made redundant from Walking Distance as it went into liquidation. That was Friday 13th August and the day after I registered my company, The Marketing Collective and spent August 2010 working my behind off to get set up a new business so that clients and projects could continue.

A year on and I could not have asked for more. The Marketing Collective has done really well in its first year. I have produced four successful publications and taken on new clients - some within the tourism industry and some not. I have exceeded my expectations of turnover in the first year and been overwhelmed with the support from clients and the reputation that is being built.

I haven't done it alone, I have had friends, family and colleagues helping me along the way and I truly feel I have a great team of freelancers who are as dedicated to The Marketing Collective as I am.

It hasn't been easy. I worked my socks off in the first four months which resulted in a meltdown in January and the failure of a work/life balance, well not actually having any 'life' put me into a cycle of depression in early 2011 - overwhelmed with all that needed doing and the isolation of working and living on my own.

As I was coming into the brighter times, I had the stress of Derek and the disruption of having major surgery and being signed off work for six-weeks. During this time I was still able to 'knock out' a publication, one of which I am very proud of.

I have tried to take some time off during August, to try and relax and to plan the next year, which is going to be just as busy. I have also used it as a time to thank friends, family and colleagues for their support and to celebrate.

13 is meant to be an unlucky number and Friday 13th is well avoided by the superstitious. For me 13 is lucky. It was the day my life changed in more ways than one. Not only with work and a new direction but also in love. It was the first say I spoke to someone very special - someone else who has also changed my life dramatically, but more about that another time.

But for now, work/life/love has the perfect balance and it is only going to get better!

Perfection

A sun kissed arm
Tangled around your neck.
Reflections of the river
Shimmer on your shades
The gentle touch
Of fingertips and breeze
Dance through covered blonde
Soft lips against
Cherry red with chosen words
To learn and love



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