I adore you
But you remind me of my past
Your heart has a new home
I can see it in your eyes
your smile
your words
Something pulls me in
to want to know
I have no place
For the hurt
Or salty tears
For what is broken
I am no fix
Short term lies
Lifelong cracks
Splinter my heart
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, 27 December 2010
Sunday, 26 December 2010
A note to some people
I am very much a people person and I love meeting new people. I think there is so much to be had in learning from others, sharing and discovering new bonds and friendships.
However, over the past few days, people have annoyed me. Maybe it is because it is Christmas and you expect more from people, but generally I feel disappointed and let down by some and I also feel used and that I have been strung along for some time.
So, in an effort to clear these thoughts and to start to clear the way for a new year (I have a week to de-clutter my head, heart and life!) here is what I have to say to 'those' people:
Person 1 -If I meant that much to you would have made effort. Not only in the form of a visit but perhaps a birthday card or Christmas card.
Person 2 - I am not your postie. Make an effort to find out people's addresses before leaving your house with your Christmas cards instead of asking me to distribute for you (for the third year running)
Person 3 - Why invite me to your house to be with people who cut me out of their lives when my ex cheated on me? OK, I understand they were 'his' friends, but to have no responses to birthday cards, Christmas cards, wedding congrats cards - I have taken the hint and therefore, I think it might be a little uncomfortable to see them again after two years. Thanks for the invite but, no thanks!
Person 4 - Why not trying putting someone else first? There is someone who is screaming for love and attention.
Person 5 - Why why why would you be so cruel and mean? If you don't have time for a relationship, don't be in one!
Person 6 - Stop talking about making plans, sorting out your head, putting a plan together for work etc etc... Less of the pessimistic attitude and get out there and make it happen.
Person 7 - Or rather the 'clique' of Twitter. I know there is more than one and that it happens but the point of Twitter is to be SOCIAL. If someone replies to a tweet, asks you a question or is trying to help; it is polite to respond. It hurts and upsets people when they are constantly ignored - people who don't deserve to feel that way.
Person 8 - I am your friend. Please don't ignore me, forget me or make presumptions.
Person 9 - You hurt me by letting me feel something that I thought you felt too.
Person 10 - Let it go. It isn't yours to have.
However, over the past few days, people have annoyed me. Maybe it is because it is Christmas and you expect more from people, but generally I feel disappointed and let down by some and I also feel used and that I have been strung along for some time.
So, in an effort to clear these thoughts and to start to clear the way for a new year (I have a week to de-clutter my head, heart and life!) here is what I have to say to 'those' people:
Person 1 -If I meant that much to you would have made effort. Not only in the form of a visit but perhaps a birthday card or Christmas card.
Person 2 - I am not your postie. Make an effort to find out people's addresses before leaving your house with your Christmas cards instead of asking me to distribute for you (for the third year running)
Person 3 - Why invite me to your house to be with people who cut me out of their lives when my ex cheated on me? OK, I understand they were 'his' friends, but to have no responses to birthday cards, Christmas cards, wedding congrats cards - I have taken the hint and therefore, I think it might be a little uncomfortable to see them again after two years. Thanks for the invite but, no thanks!
Person 4 - Why not trying putting someone else first? There is someone who is screaming for love and attention.
Person 5 - Why why why would you be so cruel and mean? If you don't have time for a relationship, don't be in one!
Person 6 - Stop talking about making plans, sorting out your head, putting a plan together for work etc etc... Less of the pessimistic attitude and get out there and make it happen.
Person 7 - Or rather the 'clique' of Twitter. I know there is more than one and that it happens but the point of Twitter is to be SOCIAL. If someone replies to a tweet, asks you a question or is trying to help; it is polite to respond. It hurts and upsets people when they are constantly ignored - people who don't deserve to feel that way.
Person 8 - I am your friend. Please don't ignore me, forget me or make presumptions.
Person 9 - You hurt me by letting me feel something that I thought you felt too.
Person 10 - Let it go. It isn't yours to have.
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Reflection on 2010
As you do this time of year, I have been thinking back over the past year and reflecting on what has been and what hasn't.
If there was one thing to describe my year, it would have to be relationships. I am not just talking about the opposite sex type of relationships but those in general that you have with people.
To some degree, I feel I have been in a constant relationship - not with the same person but certainly with the same notion. All of the relationships haven't developed beyond the 3 - 4 month stage and I now know, that it wasn't just the other person with the 'issue' but it was me also. I have come to the conclusion that I am consciously/subconsciously choosing people, albeit there is the 'connection', who aren't actually ready or willing, or have a commitment issue. But, perhaps that is because I have one. Perhaps it is because, despite what I tell myself, I am not ready to settle and I have issues with the big C. It would make sense and I know the reason why, but when I tell myself (and others) that I am over what he did to me, do I mean it and will the thing that is needed in a relationship (the big T) ever come back?
This year I have had all the reasons - not suited, distance, timing, work commitments, rebound etc etc... Am I picking these for a reason? Do I actually mind the hurt and pain when another 'something' has to end? I now don't know.
It seems relationships are intensified through texting, Internet dating, social media etc and it is hard to then make them work in the real life (whatever that is!) But then if you don't make it real, are you always wondering 'what if'? So surely it is best to try?
Maybe this is where I have gone wrong.
I know though, if I looked at myself and the reasons why I can't commit, it would be the same - timing, work etc. Setting up a business has been the hardest thing I have done so far and I am not sure people truly understand. My work and constant working has changed relationships with my family and friends. I don't get to see people as often as I like and I often (well at least over the last month) have had to cancel plans to see people because of deadlines and working every hour.
My constant work has led to utter exhaustion and a burn out. Generally Sundays are the worst days (note the day of this post!!) and I think this is because I wind down slightly yet feel so tired to be able to do anything. I miss my friends deeply and I miss the relationships I had, perhaps they haven't changed and it is all just me and my thinking but when you work on your own all day, live on your own 24/7 your mind can take over. I am sure they understand but lately, my most loneliest times are when I am with them and with people; perhaps I have isolated myself. I don't know. I have tried to make effort and keep up with things but work and tiredness has meant I have forgotten things.
So, in an effort to re-align and balance my life I am going to set my new year resolution and aim for 2011 to be to get a healthy balance and to not choose for the sake of choosing - When it is right, it will be - and it will be worthwhile. And, to not let work become between me and the people I love the most.
If there was one thing to describe my year, it would have to be relationships. I am not just talking about the opposite sex type of relationships but those in general that you have with people.
To some degree, I feel I have been in a constant relationship - not with the same person but certainly with the same notion. All of the relationships haven't developed beyond the 3 - 4 month stage and I now know, that it wasn't just the other person with the 'issue' but it was me also. I have come to the conclusion that I am consciously/subconsciously choosing people, albeit there is the 'connection', who aren't actually ready or willing, or have a commitment issue. But, perhaps that is because I have one. Perhaps it is because, despite what I tell myself, I am not ready to settle and I have issues with the big C. It would make sense and I know the reason why, but when I tell myself (and others) that I am over what he did to me, do I mean it and will the thing that is needed in a relationship (the big T) ever come back?
This year I have had all the reasons - not suited, distance, timing, work commitments, rebound etc etc... Am I picking these for a reason? Do I actually mind the hurt and pain when another 'something' has to end? I now don't know.
It seems relationships are intensified through texting, Internet dating, social media etc and it is hard to then make them work in the real life (whatever that is!) But then if you don't make it real, are you always wondering 'what if'? So surely it is best to try?
Maybe this is where I have gone wrong.
I know though, if I looked at myself and the reasons why I can't commit, it would be the same - timing, work etc. Setting up a business has been the hardest thing I have done so far and I am not sure people truly understand. My work and constant working has changed relationships with my family and friends. I don't get to see people as often as I like and I often (well at least over the last month) have had to cancel plans to see people because of deadlines and working every hour.
My constant work has led to utter exhaustion and a burn out. Generally Sundays are the worst days (note the day of this post!!) and I think this is because I wind down slightly yet feel so tired to be able to do anything. I miss my friends deeply and I miss the relationships I had, perhaps they haven't changed and it is all just me and my thinking but when you work on your own all day, live on your own 24/7 your mind can take over. I am sure they understand but lately, my most loneliest times are when I am with them and with people; perhaps I have isolated myself. I don't know. I have tried to make effort and keep up with things but work and tiredness has meant I have forgotten things.
So, in an effort to re-align and balance my life I am going to set my new year resolution and aim for 2011 to be to get a healthy balance and to not choose for the sake of choosing - When it is right, it will be - and it will be worthwhile. And, to not let work become between me and the people I love the most.
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
Falling kisses
You have very long legs
which makes you very tall
your kisses
come from above
and drop like
snowflakes, melting
on my lips
which makes you very tall
your kisses
come from above
and drop like
snowflakes, melting
on my lips
Monday, 29 November 2010
Losing my mojo
I can't believe that it was three years ago that I started this blog. I have no idea where the time has gone. But reading back, as I have been lately, it has been a roller coaster few years and what and how I am writing has definitely changed.
I always set out for this to be my head space and somewhere to vent, celebrate and explore but recently it has become very much a diary of my life as opposed to any attempts at creative writing. I guess that it is inevitable really with what is going on at the moment; starting a business and working on my own IS a lot harder and mentally draining than I thought (don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying it) but I don't want to think or feel that I have lost my writing mojo. Thoughts and ideas for stories and little poems used to come so easily and freely but now, well, even if something comes to me, it is straight back out there as my head fills with business 'stuff'. I have sat down so many times to write, wanting that inspiration to hit me, but nothing. Maybe those things that happen in life that inspire you to write aren't really happening to me.
I hope it hasn't gone for good and just a temporary measure whilst my brain is busy being creative spreadsheets, business plans and invoices. Any hints or tips for it not to vanish into oblivion (a bit like my supposed VAT registration) would be much appreciated.
In the mean time, I am just going to read back to some of my favourites about times finding love,
losing words , reading signs and the Rescue of Green Number 10
I always set out for this to be my head space and somewhere to vent, celebrate and explore but recently it has become very much a diary of my life as opposed to any attempts at creative writing. I guess that it is inevitable really with what is going on at the moment; starting a business and working on my own IS a lot harder and mentally draining than I thought (don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying it) but I don't want to think or feel that I have lost my writing mojo. Thoughts and ideas for stories and little poems used to come so easily and freely but now, well, even if something comes to me, it is straight back out there as my head fills with business 'stuff'. I have sat down so many times to write, wanting that inspiration to hit me, but nothing. Maybe those things that happen in life that inspire you to write aren't really happening to me.
I hope it hasn't gone for good and just a temporary measure whilst my brain is busy being creative spreadsheets, business plans and invoices. Any hints or tips for it not to vanish into oblivion (a bit like my supposed VAT registration) would be much appreciated.
In the mean time, I am just going to read back to some of my favourites about times finding love,
losing words , reading signs and the Rescue of Green Number 10
Sunday, 21 November 2010
The truth about a situation
This week I took a time machine. Not intentionally but I stepped in, the doors closed and before I knew it I was feeling something I hadn't felt for nearly four years.
That feeling was the hurt you feel when you know someone is not being honest.
Back then, I spent 18months searching for clues (and finding them) checking things that didn't belong to me and obsessing about knowing everything. I became a tracker and I hunted.
When I was on the wrong track I felt it as strong as it did when I was on the right one. Sometimes nothing had to happen but I knew, deep down that somewhere a particular someone was having more fun than they were meant to me.
The clues lead to truth. Truth about a situation and truth about yourself. You learn not to take 'no' as an answer and you push and push for an answer until it eventually comes out with no sense of remorse, you wish that you could shove it back into the gap it fell from. You wish that they would choke on it. You wish that maybe, if you hadn't asked and set out on this course of of self-destruct then it wouldn't all actually be happening , that maybe you HAD got it wrong.
But I wasn't wrong. I was very right and I knew it.
I still have tracker mode set and this causes issues with trust. Something that I know, for a long time, I will never fully be able to give. The feeling that you are made to feel the world, a best friend and someone wanted for life, and then to know it has been repeated and duplicated else where is soul destroying.
I am in a better place to deal with this now, and although I time travelled through feelings, I know that I don't have to be part of it.
That feeling was the hurt you feel when you know someone is not being honest.
Back then, I spent 18months searching for clues (and finding them) checking things that didn't belong to me and obsessing about knowing everything. I became a tracker and I hunted.
When I was on the wrong track I felt it as strong as it did when I was on the right one. Sometimes nothing had to happen but I knew, deep down that somewhere a particular someone was having more fun than they were meant to me.
The clues lead to truth. Truth about a situation and truth about yourself. You learn not to take 'no' as an answer and you push and push for an answer until it eventually comes out with no sense of remorse, you wish that you could shove it back into the gap it fell from. You wish that they would choke on it. You wish that maybe, if you hadn't asked and set out on this course of of self-destruct then it wouldn't all actually be happening , that maybe you HAD got it wrong.
But I wasn't wrong. I was very right and I knew it.
I still have tracker mode set and this causes issues with trust. Something that I know, for a long time, I will never fully be able to give. The feeling that you are made to feel the world, a best friend and someone wanted for life, and then to know it has been repeated and duplicated else where is soul destroying.
I am in a better place to deal with this now, and although I time travelled through feelings, I know that I don't have to be part of it.
Friday, 12 November 2010
Making the first hurdle
In life we gravitate towards certain people. Sometimes we never know why we are drawn to others, but the pull of a friendship and that 'can't put my finger on it' feeling why you just know that you are meant to know someone, can be overwhelming.
I was told years ago that I have a lot of soul mates. Not just one, a couple or a few, but a lot. And I know it.
I have the friends that I grew up with, my best friends who still, after 25yrs of knowing each other (yes we went to playschool together) I know that I can count on them at any time and for any situation. I wouldn't necessary say they are all my soul mates, very close yes, but the friendships have changed and at some points been strained as we have grown older (which is inevitable) and sometimes I wonder whether, if meeting them today as strangers, whether we would be friends. Nethertheless, I love them dearly.
We meet people for reasons - to help us through certain chapters of our lives, whether happy, sad or challenging. There is always someone who outshines the others and no matter how long may go by without speaking, they are always there. Never doubting always encouraging.
I have a few friends who without knowing and having their help, I wouldn't have started up my business. From business advice to faith and encouragement, without them, I would have fallen at the first hurdle.
Many of the friends I feel closest to and who know me better than I know myself, are friends I have made through Twitter or become closer to as a result of. There are at least five people who I share that feeling of just 'knowing' that we are meant to be friends, that the coincidences that surround us and our experiences are more than just that and in cases it feels like we have been friends for years.
So, for helping me to get where I am today, with work and emotionally, I thank: (in no particular order because you are all ace) Lisa, Darren, Nik, Sarah, Carl, Alex, Chris, Lucy and Rich.
And to all my other lovely friends and who keep me sane, on and off-line and to the new friends around the corner.
Stick with me. I will get there.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I was told years ago that I have a lot of soul mates. Not just one, a couple or a few, but a lot. And I know it.
I have the friends that I grew up with, my best friends who still, after 25yrs of knowing each other (yes we went to playschool together) I know that I can count on them at any time and for any situation. I wouldn't necessary say they are all my soul mates, very close yes, but the friendships have changed and at some points been strained as we have grown older (which is inevitable) and sometimes I wonder whether, if meeting them today as strangers, whether we would be friends. Nethertheless, I love them dearly.
We meet people for reasons - to help us through certain chapters of our lives, whether happy, sad or challenging. There is always someone who outshines the others and no matter how long may go by without speaking, they are always there. Never doubting always encouraging.
I have a few friends who without knowing and having their help, I wouldn't have started up my business. From business advice to faith and encouragement, without them, I would have fallen at the first hurdle.
Many of the friends I feel closest to and who know me better than I know myself, are friends I have made through Twitter or become closer to as a result of. There are at least five people who I share that feeling of just 'knowing' that we are meant to be friends, that the coincidences that surround us and our experiences are more than just that and in cases it feels like we have been friends for years.
So, for helping me to get where I am today, with work and emotionally, I thank: (in no particular order because you are all ace) Lisa, Darren, Nik, Sarah, Carl, Alex, Chris, Lucy and Rich.
And to all my other lovely friends and who keep me sane, on and off-line and to the new friends around the corner.
Stick with me. I will get there.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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