Cool down and start again

I am having a little melt down.

I know that when I set out to set up and run my own business, that it would be hard. People have been telling that this is only the beginning; it gets tough. There will be good days and bad days and some really awful and hard going days. But that they are all part and parcel to it and the rewards having my own company will all make it worthwhile. At some point. In the end.

Today is one of the really hard ones. I knew that the sales campaigns would be tough this year due to the recession and the impending cuts but it seems very little is being spent at all. I have had a few days of rejections and advertisers not repeating adverts so all I can see is the £££ dropping away. Not at all in a greedy sense but in the 'how am I going to survive post Christmas' sense. I don't have anyone to fall back on, there is no-one else to help pay the mortgage so I have to work as hard as I can to keep the revenue at the same level.

It is hard when doing it on your own. No one to whinge at, no office banter to perk you up and help you crack on with the next item on the 'to-do list'. Perhaps I am just tired and the 2 months of non-stop work have just hit me, but I can't afford to slow do or even take a break for a few days i.e the weekend.

It may not sound like it but I am loving what I am doing and I know I will get there.

Today is just a hard day. And there are plenty more to come.

As my mum would say: 'Pull yourself together girl and get on with it'

So, back to the emails and telephone calls.

What am I looking for?

Sometimes, I can be in the biggest crowd of people and still feel lonely. I can be having dinner with my best friends and feel alone and misunderstood. Even amongst my family, there are times when I am an alien, desended from another planet with views and morals so different to those I have grown up.

It is days like today, where I can't put my finger on what I am missing and what is making me feel so lost and lonely. It feels like a chunk of something has dislodgded itself within me and my body can't find it to make it feel whole again.

I wonder whether I will ever find the missing piece.

Birthday wishes

The warmth of your hand
As we walk
Through a sunlit forest
Of green and brown

The warmth of your smile
As we talk
Over a delicious feast
Of cream and jam

The warmth of your skin
As we lie
In an afternoon slumber
Of snuggles and kisses

The warmth of your heart
As you give
Me a perfect day
Of smiles and wishes


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