Thursday, 29 May 2008

Not so much of a conversation

It was cold where I was stood.
I was nervous to see you and I was worried conversation would be awkward.
It was.
Those moments of silence between us which used to be comfortable are now impossible.
Back to basics.
How is work? the house? your car?
Fine.
You?
Yeah. Good.
Pause.
It can never be like it was. We will never as close. I can accept and understand it.
You can't, but then this was all your doing
I am shivering, I want to go back inside but something holds me in the awkwardness.
Maybe because I have the upper-hand and because I know I am and will be ok.
Maybe because I am over you.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Lunchtime boredom

I am still trying to write the Media Pack for our cartography services. It is boring. I did actually finish it on Friday and it was good, but I saved an old version and now I have to start again.
I keep finding myself in my draft emails writing snippets of stories and thoughts so I can put something on here. I know from a conversation with a friend on Saturday that I am not the only one to do this.
It looks like I am sending lots of emails. It looks like I am very busy, which I am, I just can't be bothered to do it.
I am tired. And bored. My hectic weekend of seeing friends, travelling the country, meeting new people and having fun with someone I shouldn't has taken its toll. Too much action in a short space of time.
I have booked my flights to Australia too. That is very exciting. I want to be planning my trip, not writing about our unrivalled cartographic service.

Friday, 23 May 2008

Sunshine + Bank Holiday = Madness

I had a wander through town at lunchtime and it seems that the sunshine and impending bank holiday has had a strange affect on some people.
Today I saw a very orange woman who obviously wanted to show off her tan; the fact that it was fake and blotchy didn't seem to matter or influence her decision to wear a very short skirt.
I passed a man dressed as a Mr Whippy ice cream and a girl in a bikini handing out pots of ice cream. I am not sure who looked more ridiculous.
The hot dog seller was in a particularly jovial mood - he was singing at the top of his lungs, well not really singing - just making noise.

I tripped in front of a jam-packed bus. My recovery wasn't as graceful as it could have been. I blame the sun for being in my eyes.

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

The End

"I can't do this anymore" she said as her eyes fixed on the black mark on the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks "you have hurt me more than I ever thought was capable." 

Silence.

Nothing.

She continued to stare at the mark imagining it as a hole; a deep chasm like the one that has been growing between them. If only that hole could suck the sharpness of the atmosphere out of the room, if only she could jump in escape the agonising pain. She looked at his eyes for the first time since he had entered the room. He had returned from work fifteen minutes ago with his head hanging low, the dark cloud still hovering closely. His eyes were empty, no longer the beautiful deep brown shiny stones which had been one of the first things she had noticed all those years ago.

"You have never even said that you are sorry"

"I am sorry" his voice a little higher than usual.

Her eyes move back to the black hole. Heart pounding, she thought about the long road she had taken to here - the point of exhaustion, the point of realisation; he didn't love her and she was no longer his first choice.  Years of hope, denial and fear - what had she become? who had she become?
It was never meant to be this way.

Monday, 19 May 2008

Positive Plans

I have a more positive outlook today and think I will hold onto it for the rest of the week - actually for as along as I can. I finally feel that i have turned a corner and that everything is ok and as it should be.
I am hoping to put a plan together with a friend of all the things we want to do and achieve over the next few months, so far my plan consists of:

1. Learn to handstand properly and be able to walk on my hands.
2. Be brave enough to hold a slow worm
3. Buy a hula hoop - a pink one - and 'hula' once a day

I have great ambition.

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Urges

I have a strong urge to flick and bite someone. I know who - she is stood in front of my desk talking loudly on the phone. Her sales babble irritates me and I don't understand why she can grasp that she should answer the phone on her desk and not get up and answer the fax machine.

I wonder what she would do if I just walked over and bit her shoulder. The thought of it is making me smile and chuckle silently.

Friday, 9 May 2008

Tree swinging

Today I should feel excited and happy; we have a office team building event at Go Ape which is going to involve lots of climbing, swinging and hanging from trees. I should be looking forward to being out of the office in the fresh air and hopefully the sunshine but I feel that I would be better suited to a day under my duvet.
I don't like heights so I should see this an opportunity and a challenge to face my fear - surely if I am planning to climb the Harbour Bridge in Sydney, I can climb a few trees. I think I will probably cry at some stage, more out of frustration and anger than being scared. Being forced to have fun and be nice with someone you really don't like is hard but then this is the reason behind our team building exercise - to try and tackle the tension and have a 'nice fun day out'.
We will see. If I can work my arms after swinging for 2 hours and holding on too tight to trees, I will write about how it went. I might be surprised, I might enjoy it. If only I could smile today.

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Today's list

I have given up trying to think about how to describe how I feel and why.
My emotional filing cabinet is a mess. Someone has altered the system and tampered with the process. To start again in the most simple terms, I have made a list.

Today I feel:
Alone
Lost
Relieved
Scared