Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Lifetime of a shoe

Someone landed on this blog after searching for: lifetime of a shoe

I am intrigued as to not only the answer to the question but also why they needed to know. Perhaps they had recently bought a shoe and it has broken or worn very quickly or perhaps they own just a shoe - just one and they don't know how long to keep it whilst they wait for the right one to come along. Maybe they have some old shoes but want to know how long you should keep them before they die and have to be sent to the wheelie bin. Or, maybe someone is making a new shoe, one that lasts a lifetime, one that is like no other.

Who knows eh?

Friday, 24 April 2009

My visit to Madam Faye

Sometimes so much can happen in the space of a week that it feels longer than just seven days.
I am still none the wiser or clearer on where my head is or where it should be. Maybe I should stop trying then it will come.

I saw M on Tuesday, he came to me armed with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever received and a card with the most perfect words on how he feels. I didn't feel pressured by any means; it just felt so nice. We talked, and I was able to voice my thoughts on us being different and how sometimes you can compromise on things but others are deal breakers and those things are harder because ultimately, you are asking someone to change their values and beliefs. It made sense. He said he would wait for me. 

So, we are having some space and time out, it is so horrible being responsible for someone's feelings - to know you are the reason that they cry, to know that you have made them vulnerable. I haven't heard from M since Wednesday, it seems like a lifetime and I am missing him very much. I want to know how he is and what he has been up to but I need to be strong and stay away whilst I re-stack and sort my head out.

I saw Madam Faye last night, a clairvoyant with a very infectious laugh. It was all very strange and I felt surprisingly nervous as I parked in her drive and walked towards the front door. She didn't look like Gypsy Lee - no head scarf, hooped earrings or floaty dress with bold patterns, instead she wore black and white and a very low cut top, which when sat at the table meant her boobs rested on the table and I was fronted with an enormous cleavage.

So, I started with my hand on the crystal ball (!!) she told me about the 'spirit guides' that were with me - I was very skeptical as she seemed to describe a nan/gran who could be any one's - I don't know who this lady was as both my nans are very much in the present so was a little miffed.

I am not going to rabble on about what was said, but there are some key points:
1. I have big changes at work and the opportunity for a new role (which I should take) it will mean a lot more responsibility and that I will have to delegate more. TRUE

2. There was a 'man' who hurt me with dishonesty. He spent too long being undecided with me - in her words - he turned me into a monster and damaged me with his lying and cheating. He didn't respect me. TRUE

3. There is a 'nice young man' around me now who I should give a go. He is the total opposite to the other one - very loving, caring, touchy feely and who would dote on me and make me feel feminine again. With him, what you see is what you get. TRUE

These few things were what I went for. She did quite well in describing my brothers and sisters and me as a person - that I think too much, caring, take on other people's problems, artistic (although she said I haven't been recently due to my head space - TRUE  - I haven't painted for months)

But, doesn't a gran with white hair, set in curlers, lived for the family, bit of a gossip etc etc relate to most people.  Isn't there always a man somewhere down the line who has caused hurt with lies. Isn't there always someone new on the horizon different to the last and don't we all have 'changes' around our job?

The summary was that I should take the new job role and give this man a chance but take it at my own pace as I am not ready for commitment because I have issues I need to get over.

No shit Sherlock.

Monday, 20 April 2009

I have *tissues*

Once again my blog is going to become my emotional filing cabinet, so bear with me, there is going to be a lot of ranting and miserableness from me for a while whilst I get over things.
Why is love so hard? How do you find out the rules of the game and how to play - not only to stay on top form and ensure that you are winning but how not to blow your opponent completely off the board unable to return to the safety of home.

This weekend I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, I still don't know whether it was right and I am still not sure whether I have actually made my mind up. All I know is that love has me in a complete state of disarray. I have found myself reading blogs, forums and articles to find out how you know and what to do, which leaves me wondering whether the act of having to look something up tells me it anyway and that if it isn't smacking me between the eyes, it so obviously is it not there. Or am I choosing not to see it.

My brother got engaged last week and whilst I am happy for him, it scares me. He has known Jenni since New Years Eve, well not even that as they went on the 'first date' a couple of weeks after that. How can he be so sure after so little time? Is it the case of when you know you know, and because I don't know does that mean it is wrong?

Then my best friend has split from her boyfriend of 5 years because she feels she wants more, she can't say exactly what, but whilst she has a feeling that something isn't right and that she isn't complete it is unfair for her to be with Tim. Fair point I think. So, whilst I am not looking for more and I don't spend my time thinking of what Mr Right would be, I do have doubts that M an I are too different sometimes. I don't think that particularly matters that you are different from one another - it can add life and excitement in trying new things, I do worry about it. How are people so sure or unsure?

The worry has fed and ball of confusion, in which I am running like a hamster trying to make a decision - one that is right for both of us. But, I can't. Well I did, and on Friday I think I may have driven for the last time up the M3, round the M25, down the M4 and into London for the last time. There was little talk, just tears, some cuddles and a painful goodbye early Saturday morning. The weekend has been nothing but tears - I have had some distractions: cups of tea with friends, a trip to the garden centre, the digging of new borders in the garden, Mamma Mia (which I found highly irritating but had to finish it)

I am a great believer in time and that things happen for a reason, season or lifetime, hence the name of this blog which (*breaks for the sob) was topic of my first conversation with M. But when do you know? and how do you get so that your heart and head say the same thing? OK, so he is a little bit 'out there' he is very energetic, a little crude and un-pc sometimes, but is is also the most loving person I have ever met, who I know would do anything for me. He is creative and encourages me to write, we like the same music, the same films, we have the same family values but he is a city boy and I am a country girl who likes nothing more than long walks, picnics and time at the seaside. Where do you draw the line under too many differences?

As made apparent through other posts, I have issues turning 30, mainly because I feel my should be more sorted than it is, that I should know. But I don't, so does that answer all my questions and support that I made the right decision?

I am seeing another clairvoyant on Thursday. I am hoping she will help not only with this but also with decisions at work.

Rant over.

Still confused.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Lazy love

whatever happened to the days
spent entwined
under lazy summer sun
to where did the beat
of my completed heart
unknowingly fade
I once stood on a crowded platform
to say goodbye to summer love
tears embracing pain
as fingertips fell and prints erased
too much to lose
you stepped back off the train
and back in to my arms
whatever happened to those times
when we were the sum of all else to come

Monday, 13 April 2009

Number 22

I can tick something off this list. My mum told me I was a VERY brave girl.


Friday, 10 April 2009

What to do

I have been sat with my laptop open and in front of me for the last 30 minutes, trying to write about how I am feeling. I write a sentence and then delete it; none of the words are enough.

How do you help someone through a break-up? Other than being there, talking or not talking about the situation, offering love and support. How do you help make the pain go away?

Laura was amazing when I ended my 10 year relationship. I just hope I don't let her down now that her heart is breaking. I feel so helpless.

A good friday indeed

At last, a day for me to do nothing. A day for me to sleep in and laze. A day for me to look after myself - to get rid of dark circles and bloodshot tired eyes. A day to drink endless tea and eat Easter biscuits. A day to put ideas to paper (or laptop) and start developing some writing. A day to read books. Ahhh, at last a day for me.

Well until this evening where I have to pick little sister up from a gig in Southampton. I came her rescue in agreeing to fetch her after seeing ndubz (no idea who) instead of having to be picked up at 10.30pm by my mum. I remember the embarrassment of being picked up early so I stepped in and have been awarded the best sister in the world badge. I would agree. I am a pretty good sister to have.

I need to go buy Easter Eggs. Maybe just another pot of tea first.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

The Apprentice is distracting me

I am watching the Apprentice whilst trying to finish at least one piece of writing. Every year I watch the compulsive show and convince myself that I am better than any of the contestants and that I would do a much better job. My mum believes so too.

I am wondering what the interview process is for the contestants to get through to the actual show and what the people who don't get through are like.

It is cringe worthy television and I love it.

This week, the contestants are setting up a catering business. Surely it is common sense to know that when it comes to food, poor quality shows, or should I say taste. It is obvious when you skimp, for example, sandwiches taste shit when they have no butter or spread. Seriously guys!

Whatever happened to keeping things simple? Whatever happened to common sense?

The work experience student we currently have at work could be on the show and would fit in well. 'Aaron' has been driving us all mad for 10 days, his classic lines include:

'Paul, why are you shredding the doughnuts? ' Paul actually moved the sweet treats to another desk and then used the shredder - for paper, not doughnuts.

When the MD stated that he had ear ache and that the pain was alike to having glass in his year, young Aaron asked 'Have you been in the loft recently? That is how you might have glass in your
year'

After a challenging conversation with a client - 'Are all your customers stupid?'

I think he would do well in the boardroom with Sir Alan.

Anyway, enough of the ranting, I must get back to trying to finish 'something'. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, especially when I find it so hard to pull words together, I admire Emily and her writing, she is constantly posting great stories. I wonder how she manages it, she is clearly very talented and it obviously comes very natural to her. I think I need another two hours added to my day, or maybe look in new places for inspiration.

Any suggestions on finding inspiration?