About Me

Wednesday, 16 May 2018

Right now

Right now I want to pick up my phone
and message;
I love you.

Because I still do.
I have no idea why. 
Even after all these months.
My heart rules my mind
my heart still loves you.

I have been thinking of days driving across the country to see you. The excitement, the adrenaline and anticipation of seeing you at your door. Your eyes. Oh, those eyes. Your kiss, which had waiting for weeks to touch mine. The need and want of our skin dancing under each other's touch.

I stood on your doorstep today. You looked at home. But all I could think about was stepping in and holding you.

I have been thinking about lazy mornings that could have been and the difference it would have made.  Like the early days.

You come to my door. I want to invite you in. I want to know how you are. I am interested in your training. I want to know how you are feeling about your challenge, do you feel ready.
I want to know if you are happy. If you think of me and if so, what do you think?
Are you angry with me... do you regret us?

I dream of days laying in fields with you, cuddling by a river, dancing in open spaces as the sunsets. I dream of our adventure being the one WE dreamed.

Right now I want to tell you so much. 
I want to see you laugh. 
I want to make you smile. 
I want to love you. 

Monday, 26 March 2018


Today my heart feels incredibly heavy.  I have a physiological response to you not being here.
I wonder if this is just the feeling of grief. The grief of losing someone who is still alive and who I long to hold and desperate to have a conversation with.
I can think of nothing other than how much I miss. My heart is constantly sending reminders which my mind can then not let go of. I am scared of losing my memories, and a time when I can no longer remember the softness of your lips, the feel of your skin, your smell and sound of your laugh. It is breaking me.

This weekend was hard. I said 'Happy Birthday' because I will not stop caring. Why should I change the kindness I have?

I've a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Both twisting at what I think might be. At the coincidences that appear.

I miss you so so much.

Saturday, 17 February 2018

A beautiful feeling

Slowly and gradually, you are disappearing.
At first I needed to surround myself with you - your face, your smell, the little things.
It was almost as though I needed to make my heart hurt even more. I punished myself with keeping you close.
It still hurts. I still miss you. I miss our skin meeting, touching. I miss the warmth of you and I miss your smile. But the smile of years gone by. The smile that made my heart melt. I still love you and I think I always will. You gave me everything I had ever wanted. You.
But then you also took it way.
Slowly, you are taking less space in my heart and you are no longer a full time tenant in my mind.
I have taken down the photos. I have packed away little reminders that you loved me once.
This week I had a moment of feeling immense happiness. The sun was shining, I was breathing the spring air and I know I have all that I need.
I felt gratitude for the life I have. I am starting to love life again.
And it is beautiful feeling.

Saturday, 30 December 2017

Reaching for you

Last night I had a dream:

I was in bed asleep, in that hazy, drifting slumber when you can't work out where you are.
Someone got into my bed, they were on the edge but I felt the heat from their skin.
I reached out and felt an arm as a hand reached back to me. Fingertips on my skin, barely touching but I knew it was you.
I wanted to pull you closer, I reached more to find you and I called your name.
Your name repeating on my lips as I tried to find you.

I woke myself up by calling your name aloud.

Friday, 15 December 2017

Once again

I find it hard to comprehend how I can still love you so much yet I am so angry and frustrated by you.
Days like today, when all that is needed is a little humanity, a little kindness and when it is no about you and how you feel, make me unbelievably hurt, sad and angry.

I have started to wonder your intentions from the start.

I sit and watch others, the pain of seeing love and happiness make my loneliness and loss even more unbearable. .

I just keep having to remind myself that this is you. Your choice and decision.

You did this. You broke us.

Once again this space is going to be my saviour as words pour to help me on this journey, this transition and the adventure that one day I will be able to face again.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

It makes no sense

I stand confused by your intentions.
I sit on my hands so that I do not touch
I lay under you feeling my heart crushed

I see you but I am invisible to your eyes
I hear your words yet I am lost to what you are speaking
 I taste you on my lips when I know I shouldn't

You look at me lost, your smile has faded to a distant time
You speak to me with no meaning
You listen to me distracted

We once sat by the river entangled in touch
We heard no sounds only the voices in our hearts
We spoke the same language, our own words of understanding.

Us is what I wish for
They is what I want
Them to say, are in love

Sunday, 18 June 2017

Blue Sky Thinking

I sat under the apple tree and dreamed. As the leaves danced in the gentle summer breeze and the blue sky became endless deeper.
I thought of blue sky thinking and what it meant. I thought of Cinderella's blue dress and " A dream is a wish your heart makes" I thought of my dreams and my heart's wishes.

My heart is broken and it wishes to be mended. My heart needs love to be restored to its former self.

I remembered a story; a story of a girl who puts her heart in a jar so to protect and keep it safe. But without her heart, she forgets who she is and she can no longer wish. She has lost the ability to dream.

No matter how many letters, words or sentences are used to make a wish, unless our heart is behind it and fully embracing the intent, the tone and the desire, we will never be able to dream, let alone make those dreams come true.