Little White Lines

I said my last line as you took yours

together we read a story

a reflection

of times gone by

naive

to believe it was past

now you face your demons

the story becomes your own

I am just the reader

Turning 30 and loving it!

Well, I made it. I turned 30 and not only does it feel great and as though I have turned a corner. Everything suddenly seems so perfect and as it should be, which makes me smile.
I’ve had a great birthday weekend and feel touched by my family and friends who have made it special, from my Nan who gave me a beautiful string of pearls with a poem entitled ‘Grandma’s pearls of wisdom’ to my friends who cooked a special dinner and yesterday’s fun in London a memorable girlie day.

I wrote this post: Things to do before I reach 30 back in March when I was less than comfortable with the notion of leaving my twenties, I tried to categorise myself and in an effort add excitement and adventure to my life; I made a list of things to achieve before my birthday which looking back over now, it seems that some of them were a little ambitious and others a little dull. I can’t say that I have achieved them all, not even half but I think I have some pretty good reasons (or excuses if you want to look at it like that) here goes:

1) Skydive – As the biggest challenge to achieve I made sure that I did it (thought that if I did the biggest it would excuse all other failures!) I completed my skydive on the 20th September and it was the most amazing experience of my life. I wasn’t so much nervous whilst sat at the airfield, but more anxious due to the waiting around. Once I had my suit on (including fetching hat) and had a run through of the training, I was ready to go. I was the first to jump from the plane at 14,000ft (which took 15 mins to reach) When the doors opened and we shuffled to the edge of the plane so that I was dangling out the door, legs tucked under the plane as instructor Dave sat on the edge, I thought to myself how I must be mad and then, we fell and tumbled above the clouds freefalling at 125mph for 45 seconds. It was awesome. It didn’t feel as though we were falling because of the pressure against us but when I looked down to the clouds and ground it was all very real. After the parachute opened, the silence and beauty of the ground below was more breathtaking than the fall. I won’t forget that silence. We did a few spiral turns in the sky before coming into land with a bit of a bump. It was the most fantastic experience and I would do it again and again.
I raised over £600 for Zimele UK which was fantastic so thank you to all those that supported and sponsored me, the donations that came from my Twitter friends who which I have never met in person was overwhelming. My skydive can be watched here and I have some photos here

2) Zorbing - The ball never got rolling for this one. Perhaps next summer.
3) IOW Festival - It all got too confusing and expensive.
4) & 5) Ride a horse/get over fear - Horses still aren’t my favourite friends.
6) Watch live Jazz – not yet but this will happen soon.
7) Make a patchwork quilt – I am the proud owner of a beautiful handmade quilt but I have to be honest and sat that my mum did most of it. She got carried away and I let her. I did complete one full line of stitching though.

8) Visit London Dungeons – We did this as part of my birthday weekend and it was so much fun. Loved the characters and little surprises, highlights were sitting in the dark in Sweeny Todd’s chair and the ‘drop’ at the end!! So much fun!
9) Get a pet – Seriously! What was I thinking, I failed to look after my tomatoes this year (my mum told me off for not feeding and watering!) so having a rabbit would not be a good idea.
10) The picture says it all!

11) I am still a Karaoke virgin
12) Visit Kew Gardens – I will get there one day, I went to Exbury Gardens though.
13) Learn to salsa dance – Not exactly but I rocked dance floors with other moves
14) Read Jane Austen’s novels –I will cosy down over the winter in front of my open fire and read them
15) Trace my family tree – I think my aunty is doing this so I thought I wouldn’t interfere.
16) Go to a murder mystery party – A dead end.
17) Eat at a sushi restaurant – I blame my pregnant vegetarian friend for this failure.
18) Go to a Silent Disco - I couldn’t hear it to find it.
19) Buy a corset – I will squish into one when I can afford to
20) Spend a weekend in Liverpool - I had a weekend Brighton!?!
21) Skinny Dipping – Will perhaps leave this until next summer. A bit Bbbrrrrr! Right now.
22) Hold a slow worm! I did indeed – just here
23) Girlie night in London – We didn’t make it to a club on my birthday but we had a lovely dinner and cocktails in Covent Garden. I am sure there will be plenty more opportunities.
24) Learn to play poker – I tried to learn and was promised a lesson but opponent cheated at another card game.
25) Becoming Marketing Director – I had my promotion in July and new business cards in August.
26) Get Zimele UK registered – We are so very close to this and although not within my timescale we will be registered by February next year due to a lot of hard work and commitment by the trustees and volunteers.
27) Sell one of my paintings –I haven’t painted any to sell! I like mine all too much,
28) White Water Rafting – I think this would scare me more than the skydive; perhaps I need to do this somewhere exotic though!
29) Have a holiday – Went to Greece in July, more on my travel blog
30) Make five new friends – Well, this and my skydive challenge have been the most rewarding. Through the wonderful world of Twitter I have met (virtually) some fabulous interesting people, who have made me smile, laugh and who have given support when I have felt down. Some I have met in person and some I hope to meet. I think the power of twitter was shown last week when @diaryofaledger completed a tweetathon. The level of support was amazing and many were left overwhelmed with what was achieved. I still get a little choked up when I read Gray’s blog.

So all in all, I haven’t achieved all that I hoped to, but more importantly I am happy and content and can say I fit quite well into category 4! And I know that there is plenty of good times ahead and I am welcoming my ‘Flirty Thirties’ with open arms and a big Tequila!

The Message

My fingers type a smile
predictive pulses thumb a blush
anticipation
of words replied

Thoughts to times gone by
pen to paper
distance
of delayed devotion

Today the answer
leaves no time
desire
at the press of return

Leaves, acorns and ice cream

Autumn is my favourite time of year. I love the smells, the colours and the way it makes me feel. After the sticky heat of summer and the previous busy 9 months (that seemed to have flown by) the fresh earthy breeze and low summer sun fills me with a sense of contentment. And for the first time in a very long time, I feel content with myself – who I am and what I have.

At the weekend I drove to Oxford and on a blustery day, my journey was adorned with golden leaves, whether falling from the sky like rain or spinning in a whirlwind in a hidden corner of a college wall. As I watched the leaves I felt warmth.There was a great feeling in Oxford with university students moving into new accommodation – some returning for another year, others beginning a new chapter of their lives. You could feel the apprehension and excitement. Sat in sunshine outside a popular pub, I watched parents carrying boxes of belongings – the contents of a bedroom ready to fill a new space of independence. Mothers ‘clucking’ with maps in their hands, and fathers keeping the calm whilst bursting with pride. There were the cool students with eclectic style, those in tweed and flat caps and girls looking like they were fresh from the Joules catalogue. I felt excited for them and envious for the experiences ahead of them. It was good to be there.

Another reason I love autumn is for the pigs. Yes, the pigs. Living so close to the New Forest means that when the pigs are out in the forest eating the acorns so the ponies don’t eat them, I can go on a little piggy hunt (which I do most years!) A weekend ago, I took the girlies on an afternoon trip to the forest in hunt of some pink porkies – which we found just outside Brockenhurst. They were too cute. Heading across the forest we stopped on the Ornamental Drive for an ice cream, sitting in the low sunshine with the smell of firs, enjoying the last of the afternoon sun.

The Girlies and their ice-creams

I am managing to do all the things that I want to do, with pretty much no thought to anyone else and what anyone may think. It feels good. I am happy and content with what I have, what I am doing and where I am going. Suddenly turning 30 in 10 day’s time doesn’t seem so bad and I am left wondering what all my previous fussing was about.

Thoughts of today

I spin a pattern

intricate threads

too thin to stand on

silver in sunlight

heavy with dew

straight lines 

confused with crossroads 

a beating heart 

hot in the centre

temptress tasting 

gentle breezes sway

flowing on a sigh

a whisper echos

as I pull them 

close

and hold

still

Love is a thief

In order to move forward sometimes we have to look backwards to where we have been and the challenges we have overcome – to look back at the hurt and almost feel the pain again of those situations which we often claim: ‘Made us a better people’.

I have been doing a lot of looking back recently because once again I have found myself at life’s crossroads, where all the signs are either broken or splayed with graffiti, preventing me from clearly seeing which way to go.

This blog began as I ended a ten year relationship with someone I lived with, owned a house with and loved very much. His actions and choices broke me as a person and for many months I tried to hold on to something that he had already given to someone else. I am still not over his betrayal and I don’t think I will ever be. It still hurts and it still makes me cry but I can think back to the person I had become whilst he sat of the fence eating a whole load of cake, and know that I will not be that person again or find myself in the same situation.

I met a very special person not long after who made me feel alive again, someone who encouraged me creatively and made me feel like a true princess. The reason, season, lifetime title of this blog was from our first conversation on New Year’s Eve 2008. Whether the relationship should have started then, I don’t know; we both had own our issues to deal with but somehow we were like two lost souls with and understanding and appreciation of how hard (and shit) life can be. We helped each other through harsh times, both making bad choices along the way and leaning on each other a little too much.

Being there for someone is hard work and I think it takes a particular, well trained person to be able to listen and support someone’s problems, issues or dramas without personally taking it on. I am someone that everyone likes to talk to – I am a good listener and I want to help, but over time, and every now and then I burst with other people’s pain, leaving myself very open and highlighting my own insecurities.

This time round though, I have had to be selfish and think of myself and what I want and what makes me happy, because honestly, I have not been happy for some time. Friends and family find this strange – they tell me to look at what I have: a great job, beautiful house, etc but these are nothing to me when I am feeling so low. It has been a very hard decision to step out and away from a relationship with someone who adores and loves me and breaking a heart in the process. I feel sad and I miss my friend, but I know that I need to look after myself and concentrate on what I want from life – take time to do the things that make me happy. We may have ended on a season but I hope that I have a lifetime friend.

So, what do I want? If only I knew. To be happy and free from worry would be a great start, and I think I am getting there. I am now comfortable with living on my own – I get lonely a lot and I get overwhelmed sometimes with the amount of effort it takes to keep a house going – and an old house at that! There is always a leak or something that needs fixing but I have a lot of people who I can call upon to help. And for days, and evenings when I am feeling alone, I have found solace in the world of Twitter- a comforting distraction full of like-minded, interesting and nice people.

Little steps every day is how I am moving forward, smiling every day and not worrying what others may or may not think. Slowly but surely I am getting there. I know that the future holds great happy times but at the moment, I am happy exploring the roads that lead from the crossroads.

Until next time

They stood on the platform, side by side with fingers entwined in a knowing clasp. There had been no words for several minutes. They just stood facing the line together, breathing simultaneous heavy sighs.

He hated these times, his heart always the same - deep rhythmic beats as they waited for the train to take her away. Small beads of sweat gathered under his trilby, giving away his anxiousness as they rolled down his temples. She must have seen from the corner of her gaze, for her fingers tightened, warm with re-assurance.

Across the platform, on the northern line, stood a young couple locked in an embrace so tight, that it was difficult to see where one ended and the other began; kissing with such passion it was as though their lives depended on the taste of the other’s lips. They watched, remembering back to the first time they had stood on the platform, a fondness for the memory made both of them smile; gone were the days of such physical goodbyes but flame still burned.

She lifted her free hand; red dry skin gave a sign of how age had caught up with her, similar to the mid September chill that tickled the back of her neck. Years ago she would have been like the young girl in the embrace – her legs bare, long and toned in a short yellow skirt and heels. She pulled her silk scarf close around her neck to stop the cold whisper. Where had time run away to? She looked at the gold watch on her wrist (her most recent gift that she would have to justify with a story of extravagant expenditure); it indicated that she had two minutes left. She turned to her everlasting love, his eyes sparkling with the dew of goodbye, his deep brown eyes still managed to leave her breathless. His eyes always said the same, twice a year, for forty years, they had begged her not to go and to leave him again, not to return to the life he was not part of. She thought about the day she had chosen her destiny and how she wished, all those years ago that she had listened to her heart.