We can all be paranoid-androids at times, worrying about what others think and how they may perceive us.
I think I am having a particularly *sensitive* time at the moment and getting a more than little frustrated at how others perceive me or don't.
A time with an ex boyfriend sticks in my mind and when I feel like this I remember the scene and his words: "What other people think of you is their business and not yours". He said this whilst we walked around Eastleigh to pick up some lunch whilst he was wearing my pink fluffy slippers. I was embarrassed but in hindsight, I have learnt a lot from his attitude of not to worry about what people may think.
I am remembering that day today whilst battling with the urge to shout my side of the story. To set a few people straight with things that have happened, happening and that certainly haven't happened. But that will take time and energy and really, do those people care? Are they actually interested in the reality? I don't think so and if they were - I don't think it would make any difference. People form sides, make their own minds up and judge as they wish. What they think of me is none of business and I should just try to bury the thoughts and remember that I am a good person and all the people I love and care about already know that - I don't need to try and convince anyone else.
I think I have mentioned before that I have a book of quotes and lines from things that have moved me or resonated with the way I feel. Some are from books, some songs and even from people I know who have uttered small words of wisdom and insight.
There is one quote that has been playing on my mind since last Tuesday and that is that 'things are as they are'. Think of water trickling down a stream. It responds to what is there with effortless action. It isn't bothered by the stones or twigs that are in the way; it doesn't try to move them or struggle over them, it just goes around them. The water accepts things as they are and gets on with it.
Last Tuesday I had a follow-up ultrasound and the news was not the greatest. I was told that my remaining ovary "doesn't look normal at all" and that it has several white 'flecks' around it - some bigger than others. I also have a large fibroid and lots of polyps. Basically, my insides are a bit of a mess. After what seemed a long screening, the Doctor explained and then said to me that I would never fall pregnant whilst all that was inside. Geeee thanks! So, back into the system I go whilst the consultants decide what to do. The following day I had my meeting at the fertility clinic who told me they have declined any funding for any IVF treatment as a back-up following Derek's disruption. My head exploded. I mentioned the results of the previous day (which he was unaware of because he hadn't read the report!) and was told that if my consultant decides to remove the left ovary sometime soon then there may be more of a case to try and get funding for a round of treatment. Otherwise, the cost is over £4000 or available on the NHS if nothing has happened after 3 years of trying. My head exploded again. I am back in the hands of my consultant - if he decides to get me in for more surgery and remove the left ovary then I have a chance of funding, if he wants to leave it in and keep it monitored, well, I don't think it, (as in babies) will happen.
Something seems a little against me but I haven't let it get to me. I feel sad but also positive that it will happen one day in some way. I can't change my insides or make them better, I just have to go with the flow and trust in that things are as they are.
On a more cheery note, but still in a bit of a deep thought. I have been touched and moved this weekend after spending 3 days with lovely friends and meeting new ones at Bestival.
I tried to not think about the appointments and results but instead danced and sang and enjoyed myself. I never went far from Carl, I think we became a little more connected after the results and just wanted to be constantly close - for reassurance in that everything will be ok.
I had a moment on Sunday evening, well a couple in fact as Robyn took to the stage and ended her set with 'Every Heartbeat' I blogged about what the song means to me some time ago (Thinking back thinking of you) But seeing her live, hearing those words "but I don't look back" filled me with so much emotion that I burst into tears. I haven't looked back and even now, with everything, I know that I have made the right decisions and that I have to trust in things as they are.
And my highlight? It has to be Brian Wilson on Friday afternoon. He may be old and his voice may be giving up but the man is a genius and as the sun shone, I sang and danced without a care in the world.
Thank you to everyone who made the weekend special x