Monday, 29 November 2010

Losing my mojo

I can't believe that it was three years ago that I started this blog. I have no idea where the time has gone. But reading back, as I have been lately, it has been a roller coaster few years and what and how I am writing has definitely changed.

I always set out for this to be my head space and somewhere to vent, celebrate and explore but recently it has become very much a diary of my life as opposed to any attempts at creative writing. I guess that it is inevitable really with what is going on at the moment; starting a business and working on my own IS a lot harder and mentally draining than I thought (don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying it) but I don't want to think or feel that I have lost my writing mojo. Thoughts and ideas for stories and little poems used to come so easily and freely but now, well, even if something comes to me, it is straight back out there as my head fills with business 'stuff'. I have sat down so many times to write, wanting that inspiration to hit me, but nothing. Maybe those things that happen in life that inspire you to write aren't really happening to me.

I hope it hasn't gone for good and just a temporary measure whilst my brain is busy being creative spreadsheets, business plans and invoices. Any hints or tips for it not to vanish into oblivion (a bit like my supposed VAT registration) would be much appreciated.

In the mean time, I am just going to read back to some of my favourites about times finding love,
losing words , reading signs and the Rescue of Green Number 10

Sunday, 21 November 2010

The truth about a situation

This week I took a time machine. Not intentionally but I stepped in, the doors closed and before I knew it I was feeling something I hadn't felt for nearly four years.
That feeling was the hurt you feel when you know someone is not being honest.

Back then, I spent 18months searching for clues (and finding them) checking things that didn't belong to me and obsessing about knowing everything. I became a tracker and I hunted.

When I was on the wrong track I felt it as strong as it did when I was on the right one. Sometimes nothing had to happen but I knew, deep down that somewhere a particular someone was having more fun than they were meant to me.

The clues lead to truth. Truth about a situation and truth about yourself. You learn not to take 'no' as an answer and you push and push for an answer until it eventually comes out with no sense of remorse, you wish that you could shove it back into the gap it fell from. You wish that they would choke on it. You wish that maybe, if you hadn't asked and set out on this course of of self-destruct then it wouldn't all actually be happening , that maybe you HAD got it wrong.

But I wasn't wrong. I was very right and I knew it.

I still have tracker mode set and this causes issues with trust. Something that I know, for a long time, I will never fully be able to give. The feeling that you are made to feel the world, a best friend and someone wanted for life, and then to know it has been repeated and duplicated else where is soul destroying.

I am in a better place to deal with this now, and although I time travelled through feelings, I know that I don't have to be part of it.

Friday, 12 November 2010

Making the first hurdle

In life we gravitate towards certain people. Sometimes we never know why we are drawn to others, but the pull of a friendship and that 'can't put my finger on it' feeling why you just know that you are meant to know someone, can be overwhelming.

I was told years ago that I have a lot of soul mates. Not just one, a couple or a few, but a lot. And I know it.

I have the friends that I grew up with, my best friends who still, after 25yrs of knowing each other (yes we went to playschool together) I know that I can count on them at any time and for any situation. I wouldn't necessary say they are all my soul mates, very close yes, but the friendships have changed and at some points been strained as we have grown older (which is inevitable) and sometimes I wonder whether, if meeting them today as strangers, whether we would be friends. Nethertheless, I love them dearly.

We meet people for reasons - to help us through certain chapters of our lives, whether happy, sad or challenging. There is always someone who outshines the others and no matter how long may go by without speaking, they are always there. Never doubting always encouraging.

I have a few friends who without knowing and having their help, I wouldn't have started up my business. From business advice to faith and encouragement, without them, I would have fallen at the first hurdle.

Many of the friends I feel closest to and who know me better than I know myself, are friends I have made through Twitter or become closer to as a result of. There are at least five people who I share that feeling of just 'knowing' that we are meant to be friends, that the coincidences that surround us and our experiences are more than just that and in cases it feels like we have been friends for years.

So, for helping me to get where I am today, with work and emotionally, I thank: (in no particular order because you are all ace) Lisa, Darren, Nik, Sarah, Carl, Alex, Chris, Lucy and Rich.

And to all my other lovely friends and who keep me sane, on and off-line and to the new friends around the corner.

Stick with me. I will get there.



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