Every now and then, a series or film comes along and completely knocks me off my feet. I lose complete balance and emotional stability and feel, just for a short while that I have un done all the hard work of recent years, and I am back to where I was before.
Normal People, the adaptation of Sally Rooney's novel has done exactly that.
I have pretty much binge watched it on one go, watching 10 of the 12 episodes on Saturday evening and the two remaining as soon as I woke this morning on Sunday.
I think I also dreamt about it, or at least that the feelings it was stirring. The empathy for complicated and undeniable connection were the main storylines in my dreams.
Today I feel the immense sense of loss. I have spent hours this morning in tears. I journaled in an attempt to get to the bottom of why the beautifully directed series, the exquisite acting and heart-wrenching storyline has got to me so much.
The only reason I can come up with is because I know how it feels. Because I believe that I had that level of connection. The type where a touch and look is so intense that there is nothing else.
It was the connection that left me uprooting my world and moving, because feelings that intense and strong, of being able to get through anything together were so real and couldn't be wrong.
But they never lasted. We never lasted.
That connection was found elsewhere for him. Or at least I would hope it was because otherwise, was it worth it? It's the type of connection where your soul knows that it is right and every thing becomes effortless and just full of admiration, desire.. love. That's how it was for me. Certainly the first few years. We spent so much time apart that perhaps that's the reason the connection was so strong when he would visit. Our bubble felt impenetrable back then.
So as I finished watching the series and seeing the decisions that Connell and Marianne make - and the never knowing if they make it after New York. I feel empty. Part of me felt disappointed that there was no happy ending. But then life isn't always happy endings, is it?
Normal People, I think is so true for many of us who have loved whole heartedly. Who have been genuine, brave and taken courage to believe in love and happily ever afters. It's that connection that speaks without words, that builds without touch and which causes pain because we feel so much for one another.
Perhaps watching it whilst on lockdown has heightened the feelings of loneliness and made the big hole of human connection even darker. But then, (and this leads me onto another emotion I am riding out) the lockdown for me hasn't really changed my life. The only element that is different is that there is no school so I have V all day to try and home school also.
Since he left, we have been in our own little bubble. I don't have anyone to share the load, to help, to tag team with. It's not just the physical and the actual 'doing' of everything, it is the mental, emotional support of having another adult, an actual human in the house, someone to talk to, laugh with and when tough days happen, to be there with a cuddle, a word or encouragement, of 'well done', or 'WE'VE got this'.
Again, it is that connection between two people where either one doesn't need to ask for help, where a 'cup of tea' can say so much (something Connell and Marianne drink a lot of!) and then that comfort of warmth and skin on skin when the end of the day comes. That embrace in bed as your bodies relax and sink into each other, deep breaths as you breathe together exhaling the day's madness, knowing that together you've done it, and that tomorrow you will too.
I desperately miss that.
So thank you Normal People helping me to dig deep into my soul and realise that I am still heartbroken and mourning. But I know what I need to find again and I know not to settle for anything less.
