Thursday, 30 December 2010

StoryTeller Memories

I knew that it was inevitable and that I would be poorly over the Christmas break. After pushing myself for a few months and despite the advice of others, I have ignored the need for some rest before now. I figured that as Christmas was 4 days off this year, that I would wait until then but I have taken double that time because of being in bed with the worst body aches, shivers and sweats I have had for years.

I am not very good at being ill (mind you, who is?) but when you live by yourself it can make you feel all the more lonely. Just wanting that certain someone to pop their head around the door to check you are ok, someone to bring food and drink when you legs just won't hold you up and someone to cuddle and ease you to sleep.

Last night I couldn't sleep, partly because of the constant cough but also because I was panicking and thinking about work and what I need and still have to do. A vicious circle because I could not relax and I coughed more. But, it made me think to when I was poorly when I was little and the days I would spend at home tucked up in bed. It made me think of stories, bedtimes stories and how I used to love being read to (and still do.)

My nan used to read us stories when we stayed at hers. My stories were all about fairies and magic, whilst my brothers combined all the action heroes working together to save the day. But for the days that I was at home, poorly or if I couldn't sleep, I had my StoryTeller.

StoryTeller came out every fortnight and each was a magazine and tape full of magical stories. It came out between 1982-'85 and I vaguely remember going to the newsagents to collect them - at being 3/4 years old, this might be one of my earliest memories.
In trying to remember some of the characters from the stories, which often featured in more than one issue, I found this on Wikipedia which made the memories come flooding back.
I had all 26 parts of StoryTeller 1 - that is 26 tapes and magazines which I listened to all the time. The Christmas edition was one of my favourites with the adventures of Timbertwig and Bertie's Escapade. I remember loving Bernard Cribbins voice and it sending me to sleep, the same with Shelia Hancocks in the stories
of Gobbolino, the little black witches cat.

I remembered the music, particularly on the ones that I didn't like or thatscared me and the illustrations which varied in style for each story.

I remembered how much I loved snuggling down in my bed, surrounded by teddies with my cassette player, listening to stories, never tiring of hearing them - always knowing when to pause, rewind or fast forward to my favourites. I remember being soothed by stories and new worlds. I am still no different today.

My mum still has the magazines and tapes - am going to make sure I pick them up soon, so that next time I am poorly, or just need some company or sending off to sleep, I can lose myself back in magical worlds.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Emotional Storm

I want to wrap you up
in fluffy white clouds
to rest your head
and your heavy heart

I want the sun to dazzle
on your skin
to make you smile
and to feel warm
with love

I want the rain
to wash away your
growing pain
and frustrated lies

I want you to see
through the mist and fog
that decisions must be made
for you can not weather the storm
resting on a fence

Monday, 27 December 2010

Love's Last Dance

Chris sat on the floor against the cold radiator. His knees pulled tight into his chest, his head rested on the tops of his knees, tears streaming down his cheeks onto his arms and down across his shins. It was summer yet the air was cold as he shivered against the coolness of the radiator.
His tears had been relentless, his heart was breaking within a body already ruined and a soul that had seen far too much for his years. For one moment he feelt better for the expulsion of emotion and the next, embarrassed for the scene he was creating. He was the only one in his room so he knew that there was no reason to feel this way yet, he felt hopeless and alone.

The morning had started well. A fresh Monday morning with the summer air warm but the English weather clouds were creating a heavy burden on the day. He felt positive and up beat about what was ahead and how he was going to achieve his dreams. At seven am he climbed out of bed and lit a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, filling his lungs with a comfort which had became a routine. His life was all about the routine from getting up, smoking a cigarette, using the bathroom, making tea, eating breakfast, going for a run, showering (which had its own routine) ironing his clothes, moisturising and getting dressed. For most mornings this routine would take 3 hours, after which he would leave his flat for work or be busy chasing up the next good thing. This morning however, something was different. He couldn’t place why but he felt different and his routine didn’t flow or feel as it should. On being dressed he didn’t leave but he sat in the chair in the corner of his room. It was an old chair with a individual old smell, one that tells a story.

Three hours passed and all he thought about was her.

They had met at a hotel several months before and he had been smitten from the first time he looked into her green eyes. From that moment they had been virtually inseparable. There wasn’t a day, or hour that didn’t go by that didn’t contain a message. Talk of how they would be together one day and how they look forward to the next touch, kiss and when they no longer have to hide.
Thoughts of her and what she meant to him kept him in a stance, the activities from their most recent weekend together tore lines through his heart and laid tracks in his mind. The sequence of events that happened next was not what was expected.

At three thirty in the afternoon, his mobile rang, startling him out of his daze which had left him exhausted. The call had no name but he knew the number. It was the number that he never wanted to call or receive calls from. The call represented a part of his life that he so desperately wanted to leave behind. Chris ignored the call, his heart began to beat, anxiety flushed over his skin and presented itself in small beads on his forehead. He picked up his mobile and moved it to the other side of the room, it rang again and a third, fourth and fifth time. His dealer would not give up, not when he had money to be made. As he sat, his legs curled under him he realised that the life he was living could no longer be sustained, that there was no fight left, the belief had slipped from his fingers leaving him empty and alone.

His thoughts switched to her, his girl; the girl he loved and the girl he knew he would lose. The thoughts of her smile, her skin, the smell of her hair, the way she looked at him when they laid naked next to each other, the curve of her hips and the way she was able to entwine herself into him so that their hearts beat as one.

He was torn. They had an understanding, one of trust and honesty, it was the foundation of their relationship and it was what they both needed and deserved to start over - one last time. Chris lit a cigarette, exhaling slowly as his heart pounded, for he knew what he had to do, what he should do was tell her , he couldn’t continue on this path but the more he thought about it and the more he rehearsed the words in his head, the more smoke in the room pressed on his heart and his hope that she would understand. He couldn’t bear this pain, this burden of his life and the person he had become. There seemed only one option. It had been almost a year ago that this option was last attempted, it hadn’t worked then but now it seemed more important, for he had failed himself and her.

With a sudden sense of determination, he picked up his phone and redialled that last missed call. The instructions were clear, he was to meet in the usual place in twenty minutes. He hung up, holding his phone in his hands, he sat back in the chair, the enormity of what he had just done and what he was about to do made is breathing deep and hard. His phone buzzed, startling him from his rhythm, his pulse reverberated through his whole body as he read the message. It was her; she had text to say she was thinking of him - asking what he was doing with his day. He couldn’t reply, there were no words to say how he felt. Flipping the phone shut he placed it in his jeans pocket, picked up his door keys and left his flat.

Five minutes later the deal was done and he possessed his way out. Overhead the clouds were forming and the wind was starting to pick up, it was as though the elements were preparing the introduction; the scene being set for his last performance.

Goodnight

I adore you
But you remind me of my past
Your heart has a new home
I can see it in your eyes
your smile
your words
Something pulls me in
to want to know
I have no place
For the hurt
Or salty tears
For what is broken
I am no fix
Short term lies
Lifelong cracks
Splinter my heart



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 26 December 2010

A note to some people

I am very much a people person and I love meeting new people. I think there is so much to be had in learning from others, sharing and discovering new bonds and friendships.

However, over the past few days, people have annoyed me. Maybe it is because it is Christmas and you expect more from people, but generally I feel disappointed and let down by some and I also feel used and that I have been strung along for some time.

So, in an effort to clear these thoughts and to start to clear the way for a new year (I have a week to de-clutter my head, heart and life!) here is what I have to say to 'those' people:

Person 1 -If I meant that much to you would have made effort. Not only in the form of a visit but perhaps a birthday card or Christmas card.

Person 2 - I am not your postie. Make an effort to find out people's addresses before leaving your house with your Christmas cards instead of asking me to distribute for you (for the third year running)

Person 3 - Why invite me to your house to be with people who cut me out of their lives when my ex cheated on me? OK, I understand they were 'his' friends, but to have no responses to birthday cards, Christmas cards, wedding congrats cards - I have taken the hint and therefore, I think it might be a little uncomfortable to see them again after two years. Thanks for the invite but, no thanks!

Person 4 - Why not trying putting someone else first? There is someone who is screaming for love and attention.

Person 5 - Why why why would you be so cruel and mean? If you don't have time for a relationship, don't be in one!

Person 6 - Stop talking about making plans, sorting out your head, putting a plan together for work etc etc... Less of the pessimistic attitude and get out there and make it happen.

Person 7 - Or rather the 'clique' of Twitter. I know there is more than one and that it happens but the point of Twitter is to be SOCIAL. If someone replies to a tweet, asks you a question or is trying to help; it is polite to respond. It hurts and upsets people when they are constantly ignored - people who don't deserve to feel that way.

Person 8 - I am your friend. Please don't ignore me, forget me or make presumptions.

Person 9 - You hurt me by letting me feel something that I thought you felt too.

Person 10 - Let it go. It isn't yours to have.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Reflection on 2010

As you do this time of year, I have been thinking back over the past year and reflecting on what has been and what hasn't.

If there was one thing to describe my year, it would have to be relationships. I am not just talking about the opposite sex type of relationships but those in general that you have with people.

To some degree, I feel I have been in a constant relationship - not with the same person but certainly with the same notion. All of the relationships haven't developed beyond the 3 - 4 month stage and I now know, that it wasn't just the other person with the 'issue' but it was me also. I have come to the conclusion that I am consciously/subconsciously choosing people, albeit there is the 'connection', who aren't actually ready or willing, or have a commitment issue. But, perhaps that is because I have one. Perhaps it is because, despite what I tell myself, I am not ready to settle and I have issues with the big C. It would make sense and I know the reason why, but when I tell myself (and others) that I am over what he did to me, do I mean it and will the thing that is needed in a relationship (the big T) ever come back?

This year I have had all the reasons - not suited, distance, timing, work commitments, rebound etc etc... Am I picking these for a reason? Do I actually mind the hurt and pain when another 'something' has to end? I now don't know.

It seems relationships are intensified through texting, Internet dating, social media etc and it is hard to then make them work in the real life (whatever that is!) But then if you don't make it real, are you always wondering 'what if'? So surely it is best to try?

Maybe this is where I have gone wrong.

I know though, if I looked at myself and the reasons why I can't commit, it would be the same - timing, work etc. Setting up a business has been the hardest thing I have done so far and I am not sure people truly understand. My work and constant working has changed relationships with my family and friends. I don't get to see people as often as I like and I often (well at least over the last month) have had to cancel plans to see people because of deadlines and working every hour.

My constant work has led to utter exhaustion and a burn out. Generally Sundays are the worst days (note the day of this post!!) and I think this is because I wind down slightly yet feel so tired to be able to do anything. I miss my friends deeply and I miss the relationships I had, perhaps they haven't changed and it is all just me and my thinking but when you work on your own all day, live on your own 24/7 your mind can take over. I am sure they understand but lately, my most loneliest times are when I am with them and with people; perhaps I have isolated myself. I don't know. I have tried to make effort and keep up with things but work and tiredness has meant I have forgotten things.

So, in an effort to re-align and balance my life I am going to set my new year resolution and aim for 2011 to be to get a healthy balance and to not choose for the sake of choosing - When it is right, it will be - and it will be worthwhile. And, to not let work become between me and the people I love the most.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Falling kisses

You have very long legs
which makes you very tall
your kisses
come from above
and drop like
snowflakes, melting
on my lips

Monday, 29 November 2010

Losing my mojo

I can't believe that it was three years ago that I started this blog. I have no idea where the time has gone. But reading back, as I have been lately, it has been a roller coaster few years and what and how I am writing has definitely changed.

I always set out for this to be my head space and somewhere to vent, celebrate and explore but recently it has become very much a diary of my life as opposed to any attempts at creative writing. I guess that it is inevitable really with what is going on at the moment; starting a business and working on my own IS a lot harder and mentally draining than I thought (don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying it) but I don't want to think or feel that I have lost my writing mojo. Thoughts and ideas for stories and little poems used to come so easily and freely but now, well, even if something comes to me, it is straight back out there as my head fills with business 'stuff'. I have sat down so many times to write, wanting that inspiration to hit me, but nothing. Maybe those things that happen in life that inspire you to write aren't really happening to me.

I hope it hasn't gone for good and just a temporary measure whilst my brain is busy being creative spreadsheets, business plans and invoices. Any hints or tips for it not to vanish into oblivion (a bit like my supposed VAT registration) would be much appreciated.

In the mean time, I am just going to read back to some of my favourites about times finding love,
losing words , reading signs and the Rescue of Green Number 10

Sunday, 21 November 2010

The truth about a situation

This week I took a time machine. Not intentionally but I stepped in, the doors closed and before I knew it I was feeling something I hadn't felt for nearly four years.
That feeling was the hurt you feel when you know someone is not being honest.

Back then, I spent 18months searching for clues (and finding them) checking things that didn't belong to me and obsessing about knowing everything. I became a tracker and I hunted.

When I was on the wrong track I felt it as strong as it did when I was on the right one. Sometimes nothing had to happen but I knew, deep down that somewhere a particular someone was having more fun than they were meant to me.

The clues lead to truth. Truth about a situation and truth about yourself. You learn not to take 'no' as an answer and you push and push for an answer until it eventually comes out with no sense of remorse, you wish that you could shove it back into the gap it fell from. You wish that they would choke on it. You wish that maybe, if you hadn't asked and set out on this course of of self-destruct then it wouldn't all actually be happening , that maybe you HAD got it wrong.

But I wasn't wrong. I was very right and I knew it.

I still have tracker mode set and this causes issues with trust. Something that I know, for a long time, I will never fully be able to give. The feeling that you are made to feel the world, a best friend and someone wanted for life, and then to know it has been repeated and duplicated else where is soul destroying.

I am in a better place to deal with this now, and although I time travelled through feelings, I know that I don't have to be part of it.

Friday, 12 November 2010

Making the first hurdle

In life we gravitate towards certain people. Sometimes we never know why we are drawn to others, but the pull of a friendship and that 'can't put my finger on it' feeling why you just know that you are meant to know someone, can be overwhelming.

I was told years ago that I have a lot of soul mates. Not just one, a couple or a few, but a lot. And I know it.

I have the friends that I grew up with, my best friends who still, after 25yrs of knowing each other (yes we went to playschool together) I know that I can count on them at any time and for any situation. I wouldn't necessary say they are all my soul mates, very close yes, but the friendships have changed and at some points been strained as we have grown older (which is inevitable) and sometimes I wonder whether, if meeting them today as strangers, whether we would be friends. Nethertheless, I love them dearly.

We meet people for reasons - to help us through certain chapters of our lives, whether happy, sad or challenging. There is always someone who outshines the others and no matter how long may go by without speaking, they are always there. Never doubting always encouraging.

I have a few friends who without knowing and having their help, I wouldn't have started up my business. From business advice to faith and encouragement, without them, I would have fallen at the first hurdle.

Many of the friends I feel closest to and who know me better than I know myself, are friends I have made through Twitter or become closer to as a result of. There are at least five people who I share that feeling of just 'knowing' that we are meant to be friends, that the coincidences that surround us and our experiences are more than just that and in cases it feels like we have been friends for years.

So, for helping me to get where I am today, with work and emotionally, I thank: (in no particular order because you are all ace) Lisa, Darren, Nik, Sarah, Carl, Alex, Chris, Lucy and Rich.

And to all my other lovely friends and who keep me sane, on and off-line and to the new friends around the corner.

Stick with me. I will get there.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Cool down and start again

I am having a little melt down.

I know that when I set out to set up and run my own business, that it would be hard. People have been telling that this is only the beginning; it gets tough. There will be good days and bad days and some really awful and hard going days. But that they are all part and parcel to it and the rewards having my own company will all make it worthwhile. At some point. In the end.

Today is one of the really hard ones. I knew that the sales campaigns would be tough this year due to the recession and the impending cuts but it seems very little is being spent at all. I have had a few days of rejections and advertisers not repeating adverts so all I can see is the £££ dropping away. Not at all in a greedy sense but in the 'how am I going to survive post Christmas' sense. I don't have anyone to fall back on, there is no-one else to help pay the mortgage so I have to work as hard as I can to keep the revenue at the same level.

It is hard when doing it on your own. No one to whinge at, no office banter to perk you up and help you crack on with the next item on the 'to-do list'. Perhaps I am just tired and the 2 months of non-stop work have just hit me, but I can't afford to slow do or even take a break for a few days i.e the weekend.

It may not sound like it but I am loving what I am doing and I know I will get there.

Today is just a hard day. And there are plenty more to come.

As my mum would say: 'Pull yourself together girl and get on with it'

So, back to the emails and telephone calls.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

What am I looking for?

Sometimes, I can be in the biggest crowd of people and still feel lonely. I can be having dinner with my best friends and feel alone and misunderstood. Even amongst my family, there are times when I am an alien, desended from another planet with views and morals so different to those I have grown up.

It is days like today, where I can't put my finger on what I am missing and what is making me feel so lost and lonely. It feels like a chunk of something has dislodgded itself within me and my body can't find it to make it feel whole again.

I wonder whether I will ever find the missing piece.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Birthday wishes



The warmth of your hand
As we walk
Through a sunlit forest
Of green and brown

The warmth of your smile
As we talk
Over a delicious feast
Of cream and jam

The warmth of your skin
As we lie
In an afternoon slumber
Of snuggles and kisses

The warmth of your heart
As you give
Me a perfect day
Of smiles and wishes


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, 27 September 2010

Pack up your troubles.....

It was all so much easier when I was younger. There were rules and procedures that were followed; to let you know, them know, yours and their friends know. You knew where you stood, they knew where they stood, it was all exciting and lovely and then someone got 'dumped'.

Yes, I am talking about the world of dating, seeing, going-out and being in a 'relationship'.

What is it all about and why now at nearly 31 years of age do I still not get it? Is it because as we get older there is less drama around dating and we can read the signs more clearly to know if something is right or not (What are those signs again?), so we deal with and I guess process people quicker; that we don't have to ask or is it just because times have changed and everyone does it differently now.

Even my sister who is 16, is in a relationship having dated, seen each other and now 'In a Relationship' It is on Facebook so therefore official.

So what is the difference? in all these stages? Do they exist or are they just excuses to be still playing the field?

Should I be asking these questions or take it for a given that after a couple of months of dating that I am now in a relationship. Do you not have to have 'the talk' where one says "will you go out with me?" and the other, playing it quite cool and calm says "Yes, I would love to"

Even my Nan is proclaiming "well they must know if they are boyfriend and girlfriend", I guess in her day, there was no 'seeing' stage, just a date and then marriage and children.

I think I am going through a 'have to know' phase where usually I am quite chilled and happy to go with the flow. But maybe that is where I have gone wrong, I haven't set the stage and asked what it is. But then isn't that a bit off-putting? A little bit keen? I mean, there has the be the element of 'playing it cool' and girls certainly do their share of that, I think I have played it subzero in the past and then the ice age has happened and everything is frozen.

I am rambling I know. But this is my head right now and I need it to be in a state of serenity.

Am thinking that it is probably not so 'cool' to be asking, but then if they are in the 'seeing' stage and you are in the 'relationship' stage is that not just spelling heartache? And then there starting the conversation, "So... ummm.... I have been thinking.... ummm, yeah are we.. you know....?" Urgh, it is painful thinking about it.

Maybe I could email it.. or ask the question on Facebook? Because that is how the kids do it!

Thursday, 23 September 2010

A new record

I have a favourite quote, well more of a passage really. It is one that I think about most days in one way or another and it is one that I like to pass onto people too.

It is from The Zahir by Paulo Coelho:

“It is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability to arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

I think I have spent two years learning about myself and deciding who I want to be. I truly believe that things happen for reasons (I know I have mentioned this *several* times before!) and that they happen at the right time, when we are ready.

Every hurt or rejection from a past love has happened when it was meant to. Every opportunity has come when I have been best placed to receive it and been able to seize it, whether that has been with work, meeting new people or travelling. I can see it all being part of the bigger picture; I wouldn’t go as far as saying that it is part of fate or destiny because I don’t believe in them. I believe that the choices that we make shape and nurture possibility and opportunity so that we can model our own fate.

‘....fate is half chance.... half choice’ I can’t remember who said that, but I think that choice is more than half. We decide and then we do (or not in some cases) but again that is choice, not hard –luck.

The past five weeks have been significant in me becoming who I am. I now have my own business and I am shaping and developing that to exactly what I want to do. I love it and I know I will never look back. I accept that it is going to be hard, that I will have some very long and down days but the feeling that I have when talking about The Marketing Collective is total passion and belief. I love it. I couldn’t ever imagine working for someone again. I have been set free.

I have been letting go of feelings recently too. Acceptance is a hard thing but put it into the bigger picture and I know it is how it is meant to be... a reason. And if the relationships can continue as friendships then there are plenty of seasons and a whole lifetime to look forward to.

My circle is nearly complete.

Friday, 17 September 2010

Nothing

'Fireworks' He said.
There has to be fireworks. Or thunder with a spine-chilling display of jagged white lines across a jet black sky.

Nothing. She said.

She didn't know how to. She knew what she wanted to tell him. That there had always been fireworks. The most amazing display of fireworks, the type that explode, dance and flutter in her stomach. The ones that make you feel alive and in love with every moment.

Fireworks she thought.

If only he knew.

Friday, 3 September 2010

A little early and a slightly demanding letter

Dear Santa,

I know I am a little early in my request, but I could really do with the following people in my life right now. Please can you wrap and deliver them to me as soon as possible (next week would be good) and I promise I will not ask for anything else for Christmas and I will be a very good girl.

Please don’t see this list as me being ungrateful for the friends and people I have in my life, I love them all dearly but they chose careers that although amazing, worthwhile and life fulfilling for them (and I can say I am very proud of them) they can’t do the following: cut my hair, massage, DIY, fix my car, provide legal advice or lend me lots of money.

So on that note, please send: Hairdresser, Beauty therapist, car mechanic, electrician, handy man, personal assistance, solicitor, accountant, IT specialist, database geek, general geek and a team of fairies/pixies/elves (I am not fussy)

If you can make them all good looking guys then even better – I won’t ask for anything next year either.

Thanks Santa
Love JO xx

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

The new venture

It is funny how quickly you can grow up when thrown into a whole new universe of meaning.

For the second time in my 30 years, I have been made redundant. It just so happened to be on Friday 13th August. I have never been superstitious but maybe I will start to be.

So it happened again, but this time I have no job to go to and I don't have the support of a partner to pick up when it all gets too much. What I do have, is something far more exciting, rewarding and a whole group of friends who are there to keep me going and to cheer me along the way.

I have set up my own business, which is something I have been working towards for the past couple of months but I had a plan of doing it gradually and building the business and client base before taking the big leap. Life never works out to a plan though does it?! So, I have been frantically working to get my business set up, to tell as many people as possible and to win as may contracts from the old business. I got made redundant with immediate effect on the Friday and I had the business registered on Saturday night (along with a bottle of Champagne to celebrate!)

Welcome.... The Marketing Collective!

I still have a couple of weeks to go, my branding and website will be done very soon and once I can see my new identity I can start my road of marketing myself and winning business.
I also have some hard negotiating to do with the liquidators to gain some of the brands I worked on and to be fair took with me to the job after my first redundancy.

I am not finding it daunting, a little scary and extremely stressful but I know it will be worth it in years to come. I think maybe I am managing ok because of the help love and support I am getting from friends and family, so, thank you to all who have and are helping me - you know who you are!

Anyway, best get back to it... I have a business to run!

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Twitter Fail


I have to say, I think I am falling out of love with Twitter.

It feels like a lot of relationships all ending at the same time and I feel a little sad about it, but at the same time, I can’t put my finger on what Twitter is about at the moment.

I have been open about how much Twitter has helped me and I am the first to admit that I have been a little addicted at times, but it has, I believe changed me in a positive way. I have made a number of friends and a few very good friends who I know will be long-term buddies. I have travelled to meet people and at times when I have been lonely on my own, or when I have had a bad day at work, I have been able to get some support and kindness from some lovely people and virtual hugs always work.

So why am I falling out of love with it? Well, I don’t think I like what it is becoming and the avenues it is used for. Sometimes I feel it is a popularity contest, yet as stated by @iamhewhoisiam, ‘It is more about the quality of followers as opposed to quantity’ I can’t agree with this more. Twitter is about dialogue and conversation, about discussion and kindness and not about bullying, as we have seen this week with Keith Chegwin. I missed most of the issues this week around Chegwen but picked up on it from Diary of a Ledgers blog. Cheggers was in the wrong but he didn’t deserve such a response.

Twitter has also made me feel sad recently because of how people air their insecurities and their troubles. I know things are said and photos are posted because of a craving for attention, which is fine but there is no need for them to be so open – people will always respond anyway because they are nice people. I don’t really understand the mentality of it. I just wish they could see they are beautiful people who perhaps need to look at making some changes in their lives to find the complete happiness they deserve.

Then there is the clique. I have noticed over the past few weeks this has got worse. Some people only talking to particular friends which again is fine, but if someone tweets you, whether you follow or not, isn’t it just polite to respond? Or embrace what the point of Twitter is and have conversations with other people as well as the same few. Twitter has been a bit of a lonely space for me and I don’t know why. I don’t think my tweets have changed and I don’t think I have done anything offensive but the interaction just doesn’t seem to be there.

On Wednesday, I had a work meeting about a one of the brands I manage and had to talk about why a game/treasure hunt that I ran through Twitter didn’t quite work. To me it was fun and easy, but with only a few responses, it was decided that Twitter is still too new and people don’t understand it. I found this hard to understand; having been on Twitter for nearly 18 months it makes sense to me and it does work both on a social and business level. But thinking about my friends, they aren’t on it, so maybe it is still new and we haven’t all worked out what it is for.

And maybe that is it. Maybe many of the people I used to tweet a lot with are now busy with their lives, that they no longer understand the need or perhaps just taking a step back to see what happens with it.

Maybe I am just getting busy with life. In any case, Twitter doesn’t seem to be doing for me right now but I know I can’t walk away.

It has power.. I will give it that!

Thursday, 15 July 2010

A break in the story

I am a dreamer. And I have to say I do believe. I believe in the happily-ever-after and that good things do come to those that wait. I have to believe in that because, honestly, I have been waiting for some things for a long time, it is better to think that way than complain that life can be so bloody unfair.

I am of the conclusion that I am to sort my career out first before any of the good stuff comes along. That maybe it is my destiny to set up my own business and work for myself before a prince comes and sweeps me off my feet.

So I have been trying to turn my attention to doing that and setting up a marketing business – something small to begin with, but which gives me the freedom to explore that I can see being missed and look at new and very exciting opportunities.

It takes the focus away from something else not working out. Which has been painfully sad and something that hurts at the pit of my stomach. But I will take from it what I can, another lesson – a reason, season or lifetime lesson, which time will only tell.

In the meantime, I do what I do best and that is pick myself up, dust myself off and keep believing that my fairytale story is out there and that all will become good in The End.

Friday, 25 June 2010

Asking Orion

She looked up at the stars in hope that she would see spec of light dance across the sky. She looked up in hope that she would be able to make a wish. She needed a helping hand, an act of the universe to bring her what she most desired.

She had failed to impress on her own, failed to capture the feeling. All she wanted was to be able to hold that feeling in her arms- to love and nurture, to allow it to grow through the warmth of her soul.

In once last hope, she stood in the darkness, away from the haze of a wide-awake town with her head tilted towards a world of unknown. Her eyes flicking from constellation to constellation, across belts, scales and dippers; looking for an answer, looking for hope.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Getting it off my chest

Ever get that feeling where you just want to scream from the top of your lungs and name everyone who has ever hurt or let you down?

I want to do that.

I am not sure whether I am burning out following a very busy start the the year, well actually it is the first half of the year, or whether I am just having a 'moment', but it doesn't feel good.

I was just reading this blog post by Karen, and can totally empathize with the feeling of being a little boat on the big seas. Of late, I have been OK riding the choppy waves, in fact I have enjoyed the buzz and the 'Go Go Go', but all of a sudden, I can see a wave brewing in the distance and I am not quite sure how I am going to ride it or attempt to get over it.

What is stopping me from being able to climb the wave is my past, more specifically, past hurts.
Those that have lied, betrayed me and stamped on my heart and left me with little trust in people, a jealous eye and a barbed-wire fence around my heart.

I know this is a low spot, and maybe all I need is a holiday. It has been almost a year since I had any more than a day off - let alone a decent break. I know that I have taken a nose-dive from where I was three, even two weeks ago and I know I will return to those heights again.

But for now, a little moan and whinge and the acceptance that the past happened and I have to get over it, is all I can do in preparation for the bigger waves.

Oh, and a hug might help.


Saturday, 12 June 2010

And the moral of the story is....

There was only one thing she regretted. She stood thinking about it as rested her iron back on its rest, and turned the shirt.

She didn’t regret marrying so young, nor did she regret the pain and hurt of her first love’s betrayal, for his lies and absence had only made her protect her children more and become the woman she was today.

She had never regretted that she had chosen to be a full-time mum, although at times she did wonder what the thrill of the big smoke and the buzz of the rat race felt like.

She never regretted that she had spent so much time in those early years on her own. Nor did she regret the whirlwind lust, romance and relationship with the man across the road.

She had never once regretted having a second family with sixteen years between her first and her last. Four children is a nice number she thought as pressed a strong crease down the arm of shirt. Those early years of the second family had been hard and a wedge was driven through the two sides, but she never regretted it. Her relationships with her children were nothing less than unconditional love. Special.

She never regretted that her second husband, who she loved dearly and so much more than the first, drank too much. He knew when he was wrong. She told him so. She was a stronger woman because of the first.


She never regretted that she gave so much all the time to others and very rarely got anything in return. She knew that she was loved and she knew that others didn’t always mean it.

As she hung the ironed shirt on a wire hanger, she thought about the thing she regretted the most.

Gazing out of the window, palms resting on the ironing board, she thought how she regretted that she had never, ever, learnt to water-ski.

*******

........Regret the things you've done and not the things you haven't.

Monday, 7 June 2010

.... Yourself and No One Else

Just when I thought it was all going to be ok and I was finally being given a little break from the hard stuff, something explodes.

I haven’t felt like this for some time and I thought I had finally put it to bed, that I had tucked it in under a protective soft blanket and said goodnight.

But it looks like it has awoken and proceeded to get out of the wrong side of the bed. With its angry grumpy head it has come crashing back into my life.

It once told me I am far too nice for my own good, that I shouldn’t be willing to give it away so freely.

But what could I do? I gave it to people I thought I was meant to, the relationships which are held together by it and which depend on it.

I didn’t expect them to use it and treat it so poorly and as if it can be replaced without a thought.
And now it scratches at my insides and fills my head with doubt.

Now it stops me believing.

That I will ever use it again.

Friday, 4 June 2010

Not so Perfect Book Launch

I have never been to a book launch before but following Nik Perring's launch of his short story collection: Not So Perfect, I will be making sure I look out for and attend more.

I have been reading Nik's blog since I started this online rambling space. Despite being at the other end of the country, many of the blogs I love to read are all Manchester based, this is due to my lovely friend Sally (who lives in Manchester) who introduced me to blogging and some fantastic writers. Through the power of blogs, Twitter and Facebook, Nik and I have become friends so, needless to say I was excited and pleased to hear Nik was publishing a book. Having never really read short stories, I didn't know what to expect but when I got the perfect sized book through the post, I read the first story, Kiss and was hooked.

Not So Perfect has the ability to connect with everyone. The very perfect stories are insights to minds of everyday people which to some level we can all associate with. I mean, I think there is a Venus in all us females! All 22 stories are fabulous and although Kiss is my ultimate favourite, others become more loved depending on how I am feeling. My mum loves Angels in the car park, but I think that is because she can see herself lying in the snow to make angels.

I was so pleased when I knew I could make it to the launch and it didn't disappoint. I met some lovely people and now have some new blogs to read such as Kim's, Carol-Ann and Annie's. I got to hear Nik read five stories: Kiss, The Mechanical Woman, My Wife Threw Up a Lemur, Seconds Are Ticking By and In My Head I'm Venus. All fantastic. The questions were great too and it was interesting to hear where the ideas for the stories came from, and the process of working with Roastbooks to publish the collection.

I definitely need to seek out some local writers and attend more events like this because I thoroughly enjoyed it. Well done to Nik :)

Sunday, 23 May 2010

XX

a kiss at the end of a story
a beautiful
perfect story

a kiss across the sky
the bluest
breath-taking sky

a kiss at the end of a note
a sincere
pencilled note

a kiss at the end of an evening
a perfect
lovely evening

Monday, 10 May 2010

A change....


......is as good as a rest

I don’t think I have laughed so much and so hard as what I did over the weekend. My stomach and cheeks still hurt.

I took a little trip over to the Isle of Wight to stay with my mum, stepdad and younger brother who are on holiday for the week in a lovely little caravan, right on the beach near Brighstone. I have my sister staying with me because she didn’t want to go on the family holiday because it is “boring” and they go there “every year... do the same thing and go to the same places” Despite her feeling this way, we headed over to the island early Saturday morning for the weekend and caught up with mum, Sam and the dog on the beach. Mum looked so pleased to see us, I know how she loves having her brood all together, just such a same we were missing one.

We did the usual: walking, pub lunch, stroll along beach, afternoon nap (well I did, I need my nana naps!) and dinner at the local pub followed by drunken games of I Spy and Charades.

Here are the highlights that made my belly split:

My mum leading us on a walk to Steephill Cove (the name of the cove is more than obvious!) with the promise to my stepdad (who had a knee replacement 2 years ago and still struggles) that there was a pub at the bottom where his efforts down the hill would be rewarded. There wasn’t. She was thinking of somewhere else.

Whilst having a pub lunch on Saturday afternoon (after walking back up from Steephill Cove) My younger brother, who actually says very little – just grunts (he is 14) stated, how he thought it was clever how the pint glass had a map of the IOW on it. I was drinking a Fosters shandy – apparently Australia and the Isle of Wight look the same.

We had dinner on Saturday evening at a very nice homely, traditional pub and as we were all tucking into our meals, the silence was interrupted by my stepdad, who, as he leant forward to put a fork full of fish and chips in his mouth, broke wind. There were two tables of people behind him. He blamed the dog, Lucy who was crashed out under the table. We couldn’t eat for sometime through the laughter and tears. I have never seen him so embarrassed.

There was the field full of cows who were overly friendly and transfixed by my stepdad, now named the Cow Whisper.. It was funny but a kind of ‘had to be there’ moment so I won’t try and explain.

Back at the caravan, more wine was opened and the games started. I Spy had never been so interesting with one guess being a ‘blue veined chicken’. Erm.. in the caravan?? I think not. We then moved onto Charades which sister Flossy made up as she went along but her Antiques Roadshow was the best and had us rolling about on the floor. My Jungle Book went down pretty well too.

It was such a good break and just what I needed. I feel refreshed and have certainly got some of my head space back thanks to the 7 mile beach walk and the laughter. Sometimes, family is all you need.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Just say YES!

I watched Yes Man at the weekend. Unfortunately I never read the book by Danny Wallace and I wish I had, as most of my friends said it was hilarious and one of the best they had read. I didn't think the film was that great. Yes, Jim Carrey is funny and played the part well and I chuckled in places but that was it. But what I did take from it is that I am a bit of a 'Yes' person. Not in the sense that I often say yes when I don't want to or that I feel that I have to but in the sense that I very rarely let something go without a try. If there is an opportunity going - I am there.

It has also made me reflect back to when I was a 'No' person. Looking back, I didn't do much, I was scared a lot of the time and lived in a bubble of false security. I remember at times when my ex and I were going through the months of turmoil, that in a bid to save what we had I started to do a few things on my own to show I did have confidence. Things such as getting the train into town on my own and meeting him and his work colleagues for drinks and getting the ferry over the Isle of Wight for the weekend to visit my mum who was on holiday. I remember at that particular time thinking that I was doing something great and completely out my comfort zone - being Miss Independent! I remember my ex commenting on how unlike it was of me and being surprised.

Now I couldn't be more different. Give me a place to go and I will. Whether it is flying to Australia on my own, driving into and around London, travelling the country to meet friends, some who I have only know through the world of twitter but have proved to be fantastic friends and meeting in person has only strengthened friendships. If someone suggests something, generally I am there.

I know there are people around me who don't do the same and that miss opportunities, all I can say is life is too short to be missed by saying no. Bite the bullet and say yes!

Monday, 26 April 2010

Today there were signs

She always sat in the left hand side. Actually it was the right side but she preferred to always look and think of things head on. So, she always sat on the left hand side as she approached from the war memorial; the memorial that was always forgotten on Remembrance Day.

She always sat on the end, perched in elegance with a straight back, ankles and knees together with her hands rested in her lap and her hair pushed back behind her ears.
She was always a few minutes before him. She liked that she could watch his approach, pretending to be smiling at children in the playground or at the fat pigeons that patrolled the park.

She always thought that if he was there before her, and he watched her approach, then he would know by her walk and the way her hips flirted with her skirt in the gentle spring breeze. It would be all too obvious.

Instead she watched him and played games in her mind, guessing each day what he would pull from his bag for his lunch. She liked to think about sandwiches and how she would prepare his lunch which such care that he would be able to taste her love.

She always acknowledged his approach by blushing slightly, her cheeks flushing rose pink whilst her heart raced at the thought of the day being the actual day. She hoped that he couldn’t see the small vibrations on her blouse which, to her, seemed so powerful that they might burst the small yellow buttons from her chest.

He always sat at the other end, sometimes he would be closer, only slightly but this made her knee bounce with delight. She enjoyed the days where the breeze stole his smell so that she could wear it all the way home.

Today the signs had been there: the sun danced on his jet black hair, his eyes alive with life. The breeze carried his musky sweet smell, embracing her as he approached. He sat closer than normal and from the corner of her eye she watched as he opened his rucksack and pulled out the neatly wrapped tin-foil lunch package. She saw a book, a diary with a name written in blue Biro across a white label positioned perfectly at the top right corner. "Tim P Johnson" she muttered over and over in her head whilst picturing her signature and how she would loop the 's' with the 'j'.

She knew his name and that was enough. She turned to her left, smiled and said "Hold me Tim"

Friday, 23 April 2010

Stuck

I have too many things to say, but I don't know where to start. The beginning doesn't seem the right place because I don't know where that is.

I want some head space to work out what I want to say, to finish the things that I have started but not been able to because of feeling so tired. All my drafts end with a random word. I don't even remember where I was going with them.

I think I need a holiday or perhaps just a day sat at the beach where I can do nothing but watch the sea.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Turning the page into a new chapter

One of my best friends has gone into labour today. It is the start of a new chapter for her and for all of us.

Having grown up together since playschool and secondary school, I like to think that my friends and I are a bit like Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex and the City (except without their money!) We are all best friends and have been there for each other through almost every type of emotion and situation from family separations, losing parents, break ups, depression, marriage, new relationships, career changes and those drunken girlie holiday and nights out where we have danced and giggled until the sun has come up.

However, there is a new emotion and experience that one friend is going through now, one that the rest of us have no idea about and can not even empathise with the feelings and pain: childbirth.

I think we all had visions of being married at the same time and then pregnant in unison so we could be 'mums who lunch' together, but that is by far the case and J is about to set the scene and experience something without the rest of us.

Having been sat with her this afternoon whilst her contractions went from 8 minutes to 4, I felt helpless and so emotional that I had no idea what she was going through or how to help. Her tears down her rosy cheeks made my eyes well-up with every contraction.

She is going to be the first of us to be a parent and even though baby is on it's way, it is still so surreal. I can't believe that the next time I see J & P, they will be a mummy and daddy and there will be a baby and that they will be a family.

I am so excited for them, they are going to be amazing parents who will have a lot of help, love and support from us. I already have the title of Nanna Jo (I can't be Auntie Jo because apparently I am too much like a nan!) I am hoping that they will love the patchwork quilt I have made (with my mum's help of course!)

So much is changing. I look back at how far we have come, both in our lives and as friends and I am very humbled at what has been. We are all facing new chapters but nothing seems as scary when you have your best friends with you.


Come on Jadey!... you can do it beautiful x

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Taking a moment

I can feel that I am on the edge of something. A big change.

Now is not the time to be indecisive or to think about the what ifs. I have to decide what I want and where I want my life and career to go.

Fight of flight.

It is scary.

I wish there was someone to hold my hand.

I have to be bold, I have to say what needs to be said and be confident in my execution of words and desires. There is no time to beat around the bush. The tail has been chased for long enough.

This is me trying to work things out in my head which is all a bit of jumbled mess.

There is sunshine though.

Friday, 2 April 2010

Letting it flow

Sometimes things happen and we are powerless to stop them.

Like a fast flowing stream, we can throw stones into the water to try and slow it, but it won't be bothered by them and it won't try to move them, it will just find another way round.

Things happen as they are and as they are meant to.

It is a hard concept to live by

But:

If your body is fighting and telling you to slow, you can’t fight it, it will find another way of stopping you.

If your mind is challenging your choices it will continue to create circumstances until you get it right.

If your heart is hurting from loss, you can’t fill it or replace it is a lesson of acceptance that life does carry on after loved ones

If you know that something is right, and your instinct is telling you so, don’t try to ignore it for it will only grow stronger and cause more pain.

As hard as it is we just have to let the stream flow and ride the tiny waves and accept the ripples for what they are.

Sunday, 28 March 2010

A bounce in my step

Spring is finally here following a winter that seemed to last forever, with it’s never ending bitter cold winds, snow and gloominess of non-descript skies.

This time of year gives me itchy feet and a feeling to spread my wings and set about planning adventures. I don’t know whether it is because the sight of daffodils cheering roadside verges or new shoots on trees and the first sightings bluebells in the woods, or perhaps just the light lasting that little bit longer every day, but I feel the need to grow and to make the most of everything.

So, I am getting on cracking through ‘to do’ lists and making plans to meet new people, catch up with old friends, travel the country for weekends away with London and Manchester already on the cards and generally keeping busy and making the most of everything.

I am also thinking about signing up for the CIM Postgraduate diploma in Marketing which will provide new opportunities and give some more weight behind some choices I know I will have to make soon. It will be hard and I am not sure I will be able to cope with the workload on top of working the hours I do, but I would like to think if I put my mind to it, I can and I will.

Two years ago I felt a similar feeling and made an on the spot decision whilst driving to my mum’s that I would go to Australia. This morning I talked to my friend in OZ who I spent three weeks with on the mini adventure, and I decided that I would be heading back to hers this Christmas for a second round of fun and discovery.

I am all about discovery at the moment and it feels refreshing and like the start of something more.

Friday, 12 March 2010

Keep Calm and Carry On

I have the most fantastic relationship with my sister, well theoretically she is my half sister, but I never deal in halves, it isn't important. At sixteen she is everything I wish I had been at the same age. She would have been one of the girls I was jealous of: funny, confident, beautiful and popular. I am so proud of her and I'm enjoying watching her grow up and loving how close we are becoming.

Last night I took her to Wembley Arena to see the Stereophonics on their Keep Calm and Carry On tour as a birthday present. To be fair, Stereophonics are my favourite band and she isn't, or should I say wasn't that into them, but I thought it would be a great experience and good night out for her. Needless to say, after seeing the band and Kelly Jones she is now a fan with a crush.

I remember when I took her to her first gig a couple of years ago - Athlete at Southampton Guildhall, she wasn't interested in the band but spent the entire gig watching and looking at other people. I don't think she knew quite what to do and how to react. This time there was still a sense of wonderment but she screamed, sang and jumped with the rest of us. She wasn't as bothered as I was about the lack of space; I had a guy's hoodie in my face for most the night and found it hard to put my hands anywhere other than the air because they were on his bum (not sure is wife would have liked that), I had a girl behind me whose breasts were constantly in my back and the girl next to me who had a whopping great big handbag that shoved me at every opportunity and felt like I had a small child stuck to my hip. I mean, why would you take a great big bag and drape your great big coat over it to a gig, where you are stood squashed with others. Surely you think before hand at the practicality of it - or is that just me?

I find gigs a great place to people watch. There are the hardcore dedicated fans who have been to every night of the tour, have more than one t-shirt and have already been there and come back again, there are those who have never heard of the band and although you don't need to know the band to enjoy live music, some don't move a muscle and look as though they are hating every second. Last night there was a couple of tall guys who blocked our view who seemed to have a huge issue with us taking photos. I know you go to a gig to see the band and it is all about the music but the odd photo for posterity is fine. Unlike Massive Bag Girl who took pictures constantly and videoed most the gig. I was waiting for one more look from Tall Guy before I asked him what his problem was. Boobs in Back Girl fainted halfway through the gig and her boyfriend had to pick her up and carry her out. I felt slightly panicky for her but then revelled in the extra space.
The gig was one of the best I have been to, but then Stereophonics never fail to impress. Last night was the fifth time I have seen them and will be watching them again at V Festival in the summer. The band are amazing live and KJ voice always delivers sounding just the same as the albums. They were supported by Hip Parade who are from Glasgow and a great band to look out for.

All these times I spend with Flossy just bring us closer. Each time I learn something more about her and she trusts me with more information about her life and what she gets up to, which to be fair, is exactly what I did at sixteen. She is one of my best friends and someone who I confide in, she gives me great advice when it comes to love and relationships, and is very quick to keep telling me my time is running out and I need to find a man and have children. Thanks Flossy.

The gig ended with Dakota, streamers and ticket tape being blasted into the air and across the arena. A beautiful sight which I am pleased to have shared with my little sister. And, I bought a t-shirt on the way out!

The start of something

from a dream
I wait for you
like the warmth
of the summer sun

I found this in my draft emails folder. I often start bit and pieces at work and as I sorting emails yesterday, I came across this. I don't know where I was intending to go with it, but I like it as it is.

Monday, 8 March 2010

Nothing but a ramble

I know that I need to write, well not need, but I want to write. My problem is that at the moment I don’t know what to write about.

So, I am going to do what I do best and ramble on.

One of the main reasons for not writing the kind of material that I want to is that I just don’t seem to have had the time or the head space to sit and think. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying being busy but I know sooner or later I am going to burn out. As my Nan keeps saying ‘You can’t burn the candles at both ends’ I think she is just jealous!

Work has been stressful and I have been very busy which has led to a whole manner of frustrations. I have mentioned before the lack of business sense from the top, well this has been more evident of late and some very silly mistakes have been made. What do you do? Give the boss a warning? As it is I have to tell him what to do most of the time.

So, busy days at work have either meant I am taking work home or I am going straight out for dinner with friends or to the local theatre (I saw Ballet Boyz last week at The Point who were amazing) or I am visiting family and sorting out their problems. My day never stops.

My only release at the minute is Twitter – I can dive in at any time, talk to people and lose myself in someone else’s world which is quite comforting at the moment. I know I can go there to be cheered up. At the moment if fills a little void in my life, the only thing it can’t do is give me a hug, which is what I seem to be craving at the moment. Virtural ones are good though.

Socially, I am going out more that I think I did in my late teens. But the difference is the confidence I have and the attitude of not caring what others think. If I want to dance like a fish out of water in the middle of an open space – I will. I simply do not care because I am having fun. Much to the dismay of my younger sister who is occasionally subjected to my ‘freaky behaviour’ I can’t say it enough. I don’t care! The only thing I wish was the same as my teens & twenties was my ability to cope with a hangover. Seriously! Where did the three day hangover hell come from? And the blues? What is that all about?

I have new friends and I have old friends, I have friends that I want to meet and I know that someday I will. In all this there is still a gap that I want to be filled, but I know it will happen at some point I only hope that I am not too busy to see it and therefore miss it.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Pear Drops and Dreams

He didn’t know that he was the pot of gold at the end of her rainbow, or that he was the only star she sought in the darkness of the night sky. He didn’t know that her smile was always for him, that her being in the window every morning as he passed, was never just by chance. He didn’t know that he filled her dreams every night and that she woke with his smile on her mind. He didn’t know that her blushes were for him as stood in line whilst she stumbled over quarters of multi-coloured sweetness. But what she didn’t know was that his sweet tooth was for her and her smile which warmed the coldest of days was why he walked an extra half- mile every day.

Friday, 12 February 2010

City Love


I want a city to fall in love with
I want to stroll hand in hand
Anywhere that the sea kisses the land
I want to discover and hide in secret places
Where no one can see our smiling faces
I want to be inspired by city love
Climb high over buildings to watch the heart from above
I want to feel the pulse of the night
In a place that never sleeps, kept awake with light
I want to walk in the footsteps of the great
Where time is just time and we are never late
I want to stay a visitor and continue to explore
With one by my side forever more
I want a city to fuel our desire
And the quiet comfort by open fires
I want a city to fall in love with
I want to fall in love in a city

Sunday, 31 January 2010

No blues here

Well, January is nearly over and I am pleased to say that this first month of 2010 has been great and I hope that the rest follow with the same good feelings. Last January, I wrote this post ; I was feeling very different than I am now thanks to some great times with some lovely friends both old and new.

It is often the most simple things that give the greatest pleasures - shopping and coffee with friends on a Saturday morning, dinners in and out to catch up and smile. Last weekend I had a crazy night out with a work/twitter friend; we drank cocktails and danced until the early hours, laughing until my stomach hurt. I don't remember all the events of the evening, although I did had a flash back when Bon Jovi's 'Shot through the Heart' came on the radio yesterday. I have a vague memory of dancing (with actions) on an 80's dance floor.

This weekend as been much different, in fact, I would go as far to say that it was almost perfect. I drove to Brighton on Friday night for a mini tweet up with Butterfly Girl , a friend who I have got to know through Twitterland. We went for pizza and wine at her local, which, I have to say does the best pizzas I have ever tasted, and chatted about love, life and our adventures. On Saturday morning, we continued the conversations and theories whilst drinking coffee on the beach and watching the winter sun dazzle on the sea and give warmth to the bones of West Pier. We had nosey in a little art shop/gallery, where I fell in love with the work of Robert Ryan whose work can be seen in his shop Ryantown. The imagery and words are beautiful and make me excited about love and the future. I think I might have to start saving as I need some of his work in my room and in my life.




I left Brighton feeling refreshed and enthused and with a desire to go back to some books and philosophies I read some time ago. Thoughts that I may have let slip but which are ultimately part of me.

Saturday evening was spent with family as my sister turned sixteen. We enjoyed a nice meal and Louise received some great compliments from a women at the bar relating to her confidence. I told Louise how proud I was of her and that she is simply awesome. Love her to bits.

Today I have lazed about the house, reading and enjoying silence, pottering and writing. A few years ago, a Sunday spent in my own company would have driven me up the walls with sadness and boredom. Not now though, now I am comfortable and happy.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Backbone of steel

I am a dreamer. I always have been and I always will be. I believe in romance, adventure, mystery and fun; all the components that make a good story. A story where dreams come true and there is always a happy ending; just like the ones my Nan used to tell me when I was little, where the little fairy was able to go to the ball after making a dress out of petals and silk and how Spiderman and Superman stopped the train from crashing down the mountain saving the world.

I have always been told I can do and achieve whatever I want to, that the world and life is for the taking and therefore it should be grabbed with both hands. That our dreams don’t have to be just dreams; if you work hard enough then they are always within reach. However, it is only now, I feel confident and able to do this, only now I can see the adventure ahead of me and the dream that I actually want.

I have had people in my life who have numbed the dreams, told me they are unrealistic and made me believe they want to share them with me, others have encouraged yet not followed through. We all fall into relationships and situations where dreams are compromised and stifled, and often by conforming to another’s dream or a fallacy of our own, we stifle the dreams of others and they become unrealistic.

I was in a relationship for ten years, we owned a house and lived in it together for 5 years. I thought I would marry him and I thought being with him, all my dreams had been and would be answered. We travelled to Canada and Thailand, because I love to travel and thought he did too. (He didn’t) We were old before our time, and soon enough we both we lost our dreams and fell into a rut, a comfortable rut, but one where neither of us would be totally happy and fulfilled.

Now I know he was never part of my adventure and that ending that relationship and letting him pursue his dream with his ‘bit on the side’ was the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t think back to our times now and I don’t feel the pain from what he did. I am better off.

Having watched Revolutionary Road recently I have an over-whelming sense of being aware of my dreams and never compromising what I want and who I want to be. Revolutionary Road is a powerful film about a family in the suburbs during the 1950’s. I could see myself as April Wheeler when I was in my relationship with S, wanting the house in the country, all very cute and quaint, playing happy times when actually I was screaming to explore – wanting to go here there and everywhere.

There was a great line in the film: ‘You need back bone to live the life you want’ I have a back bone and I know what I want and I know that I will get there eventually. The getting there is the adventure and the fun part.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Snowflake Kisses

snowflake kisses
land gently
on my skin
mesmerising whiteness
numbs toes
hands are warm
because of your hold
like my heart
because of your love

Sunday, 3 January 2010

It isn't in my pocket

If you look closely
you will find it
neatly tucked
cosy on my arm
it is always there
open and honest
smiling contently
but full of caution
some have touched it
others have broke it
some tickle and tease
so it is told
the older it becomes
easier it is to notice
those that want to play
and those who wish
to place it in the
company of theirs.

Saturday, 2 January 2010

Kreativ Blogger Award

What a nice way to start the New Year! I have been nominated for a Kreativ Blogger award which well, is just bloody lovely. I started this blog to sort my head out after a 10 year relationship ended and since then it has developed and become a space for me to enjoy and explore rather than somewhere to come weep and moan. It has certainly encouraged my creative flair, or as my mum puts it ‘the arty farty stuff you do’ And the comments and feedback I receive, well, it is just fab to know that people read my posts, let alone take time to comment. It is always a nice little boost!

In order to receive the award there are a few things I must do, which are:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.


The talented Katie McCullough nominated me for the award; Katie is a Twitter friend who shares a love of hotties, Katie sometimes takes two to bed (and that was in the Summer!) I urge you to have a read of her blog, her published work and look out for her videos.

So, seven things about myself. Always tricky, for what I might think is an interesting fact, you, the reader might think drivel. Here goes:

1. I was a majorette when I was younger and won first place (for my age group) for the southern regions. I can still remember my steps although my baton is half the size of my arm.
2. I can’t eat chocolate because of migraines – haven’t touched the stuff in over 20 years.
3. In my late teens / early twenties I had a fear of London. Not sure why, but the thought of crowds and the underground scared the hell out of me so I used to make excuses as to why I couldn’t attend training courses in the City.
4. I am extremely clumsy and spill cups of water on my desk at work, at least 3 times a week.
5. I am coulrophobic because of Stephen Kings’ IT
6. Sunrise and sunset are my favourite times of day. Nothing beats a beautiful pink sky and the serenity it brings.
7. I have a tattoo on my back which was meant to be semi – permanent and only last for 3 years. I had it done when I was 21, I am now 30 and it hasn’t faded.... at all.
That was harder than anticipated.... Moving swiftly on... you still with me?

The seven blogs that I nominate are:

Adventures of a butterfly girl – A beautifully written and heart-felt blog, Lisa’s writing resonates with things that I have experienced. 2010 will see Lisa spread her butterfly wings, so make sure you keep up.

Diary of a Ledger – Fantastic reviews and fabulous blog posts, Gray completed a two day Tweetathon in 2009 which was awesome.

My Shitty Twenties – A fantastic, award winning blog by Emily. Her posts about her son and life cover all bases - I have giggled, smiled and felt sadness. Amazing lovely lady who is a super mum for what she manages to juggle – and to then keep on top of her writing.

A Day in the Life of Me – Hilariously honest blog, love Laura’s writing – this post made me laugh for days

I make believe when I do my make-up nice - Emily is one of my favourite writers in blog world. Her stories and poems are full of imagination and dedication. I am always in awe at how many stories Emily posts.

Nik’s Blog - Nik is a awesome writer and author, his blog varies from reviews to interviews – I have sought many a book as a response! and personal honest posts – another one to watch in 2010!

The Tea Drinking English Rose - Such a beautiful and pretty blog, the posts and imagery always leaves warm feelings.


All very different blogs but all equally fabulous, am sure some have already been nominated – if so apologies but it re-iterates how great you are at what you do!