Thursday, 30 December 2010

StoryTeller Memories

I knew that it was inevitable and that I would be poorly over the Christmas break. After pushing myself for a few months and despite the advice of others, I have ignored the need for some rest before now. I figured that as Christmas was 4 days off this year, that I would wait until then but I have taken double that time because of being in bed with the worst body aches, shivers and sweats I have had for years.

I am not very good at being ill (mind you, who is?) but when you live by yourself it can make you feel all the more lonely. Just wanting that certain someone to pop their head around the door to check you are ok, someone to bring food and drink when you legs just won't hold you up and someone to cuddle and ease you to sleep.

Last night I couldn't sleep, partly because of the constant cough but also because I was panicking and thinking about work and what I need and still have to do. A vicious circle because I could not relax and I coughed more. But, it made me think to when I was poorly when I was little and the days I would spend at home tucked up in bed. It made me think of stories, bedtimes stories and how I used to love being read to (and still do.)

My nan used to read us stories when we stayed at hers. My stories were all about fairies and magic, whilst my brothers combined all the action heroes working together to save the day. But for the days that I was at home, poorly or if I couldn't sleep, I had my StoryTeller.

StoryTeller came out every fortnight and each was a magazine and tape full of magical stories. It came out between 1982-'85 and I vaguely remember going to the newsagents to collect them - at being 3/4 years old, this might be one of my earliest memories.
In trying to remember some of the characters from the stories, which often featured in more than one issue, I found this on Wikipedia which made the memories come flooding back.
I had all 26 parts of StoryTeller 1 - that is 26 tapes and magazines which I listened to all the time. The Christmas edition was one of my favourites with the adventures of Timbertwig and Bertie's Escapade. I remember loving Bernard Cribbins voice and it sending me to sleep, the same with Shelia Hancocks in the stories
of Gobbolino, the little black witches cat.

I remembered the music, particularly on the ones that I didn't like or thatscared me and the illustrations which varied in style for each story.

I remembered how much I loved snuggling down in my bed, surrounded by teddies with my cassette player, listening to stories, never tiring of hearing them - always knowing when to pause, rewind or fast forward to my favourites. I remember being soothed by stories and new worlds. I am still no different today.

My mum still has the magazines and tapes - am going to make sure I pick them up soon, so that next time I am poorly, or just need some company or sending off to sleep, I can lose myself back in magical worlds.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Emotional Storm

I want to wrap you up
in fluffy white clouds
to rest your head
and your heavy heart

I want the sun to dazzle
on your skin
to make you smile
and to feel warm
with love

I want the rain
to wash away your
growing pain
and frustrated lies

I want you to see
through the mist and fog
that decisions must be made
for you can not weather the storm
resting on a fence

Monday, 27 December 2010

Love's Last Dance

Chris sat on the floor against the cold radiator. His knees pulled tight into his chest, his head rested on the tops of his knees, tears streaming down his cheeks onto his arms and down across his shins. It was summer yet the air was cold as he shivered against the coolness of the radiator.
His tears had been relentless, his heart was breaking within a body already ruined and a soul that had seen far too much for his years. For one moment he feelt better for the expulsion of emotion and the next, embarrassed for the scene he was creating. He was the only one in his room so he knew that there was no reason to feel this way yet, he felt hopeless and alone.

The morning had started well. A fresh Monday morning with the summer air warm but the English weather clouds were creating a heavy burden on the day. He felt positive and up beat about what was ahead and how he was going to achieve his dreams. At seven am he climbed out of bed and lit a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, filling his lungs with a comfort which had became a routine. His life was all about the routine from getting up, smoking a cigarette, using the bathroom, making tea, eating breakfast, going for a run, showering (which had its own routine) ironing his clothes, moisturising and getting dressed. For most mornings this routine would take 3 hours, after which he would leave his flat for work or be busy chasing up the next good thing. This morning however, something was different. He couldn’t place why but he felt different and his routine didn’t flow or feel as it should. On being dressed he didn’t leave but he sat in the chair in the corner of his room. It was an old chair with a individual old smell, one that tells a story.

Three hours passed and all he thought about was her.

They had met at a hotel several months before and he had been smitten from the first time he looked into her green eyes. From that moment they had been virtually inseparable. There wasn’t a day, or hour that didn’t go by that didn’t contain a message. Talk of how they would be together one day and how they look forward to the next touch, kiss and when they no longer have to hide.
Thoughts of her and what she meant to him kept him in a stance, the activities from their most recent weekend together tore lines through his heart and laid tracks in his mind. The sequence of events that happened next was not what was expected.

At three thirty in the afternoon, his mobile rang, startling him out of his daze which had left him exhausted. The call had no name but he knew the number. It was the number that he never wanted to call or receive calls from. The call represented a part of his life that he so desperately wanted to leave behind. Chris ignored the call, his heart began to beat, anxiety flushed over his skin and presented itself in small beads on his forehead. He picked up his mobile and moved it to the other side of the room, it rang again and a third, fourth and fifth time. His dealer would not give up, not when he had money to be made. As he sat, his legs curled under him he realised that the life he was living could no longer be sustained, that there was no fight left, the belief had slipped from his fingers leaving him empty and alone.

His thoughts switched to her, his girl; the girl he loved and the girl he knew he would lose. The thoughts of her smile, her skin, the smell of her hair, the way she looked at him when they laid naked next to each other, the curve of her hips and the way she was able to entwine herself into him so that their hearts beat as one.

He was torn. They had an understanding, one of trust and honesty, it was the foundation of their relationship and it was what they both needed and deserved to start over - one last time. Chris lit a cigarette, exhaling slowly as his heart pounded, for he knew what he had to do, what he should do was tell her , he couldn’t continue on this path but the more he thought about it and the more he rehearsed the words in his head, the more smoke in the room pressed on his heart and his hope that she would understand. He couldn’t bear this pain, this burden of his life and the person he had become. There seemed only one option. It had been almost a year ago that this option was last attempted, it hadn’t worked then but now it seemed more important, for he had failed himself and her.

With a sudden sense of determination, he picked up his phone and redialled that last missed call. The instructions were clear, he was to meet in the usual place in twenty minutes. He hung up, holding his phone in his hands, he sat back in the chair, the enormity of what he had just done and what he was about to do made is breathing deep and hard. His phone buzzed, startling him from his rhythm, his pulse reverberated through his whole body as he read the message. It was her; she had text to say she was thinking of him - asking what he was doing with his day. He couldn’t reply, there were no words to say how he felt. Flipping the phone shut he placed it in his jeans pocket, picked up his door keys and left his flat.

Five minutes later the deal was done and he possessed his way out. Overhead the clouds were forming and the wind was starting to pick up, it was as though the elements were preparing the introduction; the scene being set for his last performance.

Goodnight

I adore you
But you remind me of my past
Your heart has a new home
I can see it in your eyes
your smile
your words
Something pulls me in
to want to know
I have no place
For the hurt
Or salty tears
For what is broken
I am no fix
Short term lies
Lifelong cracks
Splinter my heart



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 26 December 2010

A note to some people

I am very much a people person and I love meeting new people. I think there is so much to be had in learning from others, sharing and discovering new bonds and friendships.

However, over the past few days, people have annoyed me. Maybe it is because it is Christmas and you expect more from people, but generally I feel disappointed and let down by some and I also feel used and that I have been strung along for some time.

So, in an effort to clear these thoughts and to start to clear the way for a new year (I have a week to de-clutter my head, heart and life!) here is what I have to say to 'those' people:

Person 1 -If I meant that much to you would have made effort. Not only in the form of a visit but perhaps a birthday card or Christmas card.

Person 2 - I am not your postie. Make an effort to find out people's addresses before leaving your house with your Christmas cards instead of asking me to distribute for you (for the third year running)

Person 3 - Why invite me to your house to be with people who cut me out of their lives when my ex cheated on me? OK, I understand they were 'his' friends, but to have no responses to birthday cards, Christmas cards, wedding congrats cards - I have taken the hint and therefore, I think it might be a little uncomfortable to see them again after two years. Thanks for the invite but, no thanks!

Person 4 - Why not trying putting someone else first? There is someone who is screaming for love and attention.

Person 5 - Why why why would you be so cruel and mean? If you don't have time for a relationship, don't be in one!

Person 6 - Stop talking about making plans, sorting out your head, putting a plan together for work etc etc... Less of the pessimistic attitude and get out there and make it happen.

Person 7 - Or rather the 'clique' of Twitter. I know there is more than one and that it happens but the point of Twitter is to be SOCIAL. If someone replies to a tweet, asks you a question or is trying to help; it is polite to respond. It hurts and upsets people when they are constantly ignored - people who don't deserve to feel that way.

Person 8 - I am your friend. Please don't ignore me, forget me or make presumptions.

Person 9 - You hurt me by letting me feel something that I thought you felt too.

Person 10 - Let it go. It isn't yours to have.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Reflection on 2010

As you do this time of year, I have been thinking back over the past year and reflecting on what has been and what hasn't.

If there was one thing to describe my year, it would have to be relationships. I am not just talking about the opposite sex type of relationships but those in general that you have with people.

To some degree, I feel I have been in a constant relationship - not with the same person but certainly with the same notion. All of the relationships haven't developed beyond the 3 - 4 month stage and I now know, that it wasn't just the other person with the 'issue' but it was me also. I have come to the conclusion that I am consciously/subconsciously choosing people, albeit there is the 'connection', who aren't actually ready or willing, or have a commitment issue. But, perhaps that is because I have one. Perhaps it is because, despite what I tell myself, I am not ready to settle and I have issues with the big C. It would make sense and I know the reason why, but when I tell myself (and others) that I am over what he did to me, do I mean it and will the thing that is needed in a relationship (the big T) ever come back?

This year I have had all the reasons - not suited, distance, timing, work commitments, rebound etc etc... Am I picking these for a reason? Do I actually mind the hurt and pain when another 'something' has to end? I now don't know.

It seems relationships are intensified through texting, Internet dating, social media etc and it is hard to then make them work in the real life (whatever that is!) But then if you don't make it real, are you always wondering 'what if'? So surely it is best to try?

Maybe this is where I have gone wrong.

I know though, if I looked at myself and the reasons why I can't commit, it would be the same - timing, work etc. Setting up a business has been the hardest thing I have done so far and I am not sure people truly understand. My work and constant working has changed relationships with my family and friends. I don't get to see people as often as I like and I often (well at least over the last month) have had to cancel plans to see people because of deadlines and working every hour.

My constant work has led to utter exhaustion and a burn out. Generally Sundays are the worst days (note the day of this post!!) and I think this is because I wind down slightly yet feel so tired to be able to do anything. I miss my friends deeply and I miss the relationships I had, perhaps they haven't changed and it is all just me and my thinking but when you work on your own all day, live on your own 24/7 your mind can take over. I am sure they understand but lately, my most loneliest times are when I am with them and with people; perhaps I have isolated myself. I don't know. I have tried to make effort and keep up with things but work and tiredness has meant I have forgotten things.

So, in an effort to re-align and balance my life I am going to set my new year resolution and aim for 2011 to be to get a healthy balance and to not choose for the sake of choosing - When it is right, it will be - and it will be worthwhile. And, to not let work become between me and the people I love the most.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Falling kisses

You have very long legs
which makes you very tall
your kisses
come from above
and drop like
snowflakes, melting
on my lips