Thursday, 31 December 2009
Although it seems like yesterday, scrambling onto Benidorm beach with my family, boyfriend and friends to watch the most awesome fireworks; it also seems like an eternity ago. And how different am I now! Ten years of learning, heartache, growing, love and new confidence.
All of these things sum up the last year alone. 2009 has been the year for me getting myself together, being brave and starting to put things in place for my future. Instead of bumbling along, often unhappy and too scared to make a point.
2009 didn't start in the best manner, I smashed a glass apparently very close to midnight which is meant to be VERY bad luck. I wasn't with the person or people I wanted to be with and saw the year in stupidly drunk with my brother. I was off alcohol for months I was so poorly.
There has been a lot of change at work with a Director leaving, new staff starting and myself becoming a Director. Financially, it has been a tough year and I am still owed for October's pay. 2009 was the year of change at work and the coming year will determine it's success or failure. Scary but hopeful times.
I broke a heart which was the hardest thing to do, but I wasn't happy; the relationship wasn't what I wanted and it was changing me as a person. I needed to take time out and to just be with me. But it demonstrated a new strength and confidence, one I wish I had found in 2006.
I turned 30 in 2009 and after all the drama and worries, I can honestly say, so far, my thirties have been the very best times. I have made many new friends through the world of Twitter - some of which I have met and some I hope to in 2010. Twitterland is always so hard to describe to those who are not involved, you can see it in people's expressions that they think of you as a sad muppet who does nothing more than chat nonsense to strangers- what can be more desperate than that! It isn't like that at all. For me Twitter is a community of friends who help, support and listen, friends who make you smile and giggle whatever the time of day, friends who take an interest, like-minded people who share experiences. It has given me confidence in over the last few months and would have been a little lost without it.
2009 has been all about experiences and pushing my boundaries. I skydived, snorkeled, rode a scooter in Greece speeding around the mountains, I travelled places on my own and challenged my confidence. 2010 is going to see more of this. More living and fun, more smiles and challenges. Work is going to be a huge challenge and I already have some difficult decisions to make, decisions that relate to my future and what I want out of it. There are things that I crave - to be in love and to be loved, settling down, a family, stability and security. But I am not rushing to find these, they will come when ready, I am learning to be patient and to trust what will be, will be.
Bring it on I say! I am going to have a bloody good time in 2010... whose with me?!
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Verdict: All were very very yummy! A lot of effort went into the preparation and there were plenty of options. I gave Peta a score of 8
Verdict: Delicious! The home-made pesto was mouth watering. I rated this course a 9 due to the amount of effort and the nice little touches.
Verdict: Very impressive home-made Thai paste, clearly a lot of effort (which we were reminded about by Jade and Anna with stories of their exhausting shopping trip and hunt for green chillies!) The curry flavour was as good as any I have eaten in restaurants. However, I did score them at a 7, my reasoning being because I felt they could have impressed more with the presentation (oooh get me and my opinions!) I also commented that I thought the rice was 'too sticky', clearly the 3 bottles of wine were beginning to show they pointed out that it was meant to be sticky jasmine rice!
Dessert: Christmas Sticky Toffee Pudding with chocolate toffee sauce (courtesy of twitter friend @scooby867)
Verdict: Well, I won with a score of 25/30. I impressed with my presentation - a light dusting of icing sugar and a decoration grabbed off my tree. I also got higher scores due to the chocolate sauce; not being able to eat chocolate myself I made two versions which meant everyone was happy! Thankfully, Jade who is 4 months pregnant has a very sweet tooth and is craving puddings.. I knew I was onto a winner!
Saturday night was fantastic, not only was the food amazing but the nicest part was all being together and being able to catch up over several bottles of wine. Getting together like last night proves more and more challenging as we get older due to our work commitments, lack of time and everyone busy with partners and moving on to the next stage of their lives.
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Although being on my own has meant doing things like picking and putting up the Christmas tree; every year I tell myself that I will not have a real tree the following year. I don't think there is anything else in the world that could induce such rage within me than the struggle to get a (wonky) tree into a bucket where the screws are bent and broken. It turns out, that the trunk on this year's treet, is nicely bent, which means it will never be straight no matter the stand or bucket. This is according to my mum and stepdad who saved the day by sorting out the tree for me whilst I was at work. I don't think it looks too bad, the eclectic range of decorations take your eyes away from how much it leans!
Sunday, 13 December 2009
With ambition, surely we need to have it in order to gain success and achievement. I have a situation at work where a potential life line has been given away due to the lack of ambition and desire to earn a lot of money. I can’t help feeling that if someone had more drive for wealth and success then the company would be ok. Surely, in business if you own a company then idea is to make money from it and lots of it? Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means materialistic and totally money driven, but I want to make money and I want the company to do well – to succeed and yes, to earn more money so I can live a better lifestyle - it is what motivates me to do my job and gives me the determination to make the company successful. I love my work and the company but that isn’t in itself going to save us. The top isn’t motivated by money, he isn’t after the flash cars, yachts, nice houses etc and even if the business was turning over millions, it wouldn’t change him. He has been truthful to himself but I fear that that, in itself has left us on the edge of what could potentially be, a very big drop.
I think I need to up my influence and up my game. I know I can turn things around I just need the support of the others. It isn’t all nice and fluffy in business, we are there for one thing and that is to make money, yes a legacy is good but that for the rest of us doesn’t pay the bills.
I am a determined soul and generally with hard work I get what I want, nothing has ever been handed to me. I know what I want and I will get it. Move over buster! Let me sort it.
This applies to all areas of my life; I don’t need to tell others about everything, I don’t need to have clarification of the black and white options, I am happy to be working up the gray area until I know which side I want to lay.
Ride the wave and dream
It may take its time
But sooner or later
It will wash upon your shore.
And talking of achievements, I can tick something else from my Things to do before I am 30 list, I know I was 30 in October but I am still planning to get all items completed.
Yesterday, my lovely friend, her partner and I ran a market stall in Salisbury for our charity Zimele UK. We had a good laugh and surprisingly the time flew by despite the bitter coldness, I don’t think I have ever worn so many layers! It was great talking to people about the charity and raising awareness of the fantastic work that Zimele does in South Africa. Some people understood and praised us on the work of the projects; others had very different views which I won’t go into.
We were selling the handmade crafts from South Africa that the women make. They learn new skills such as sowing and beading and then make the crafts, often employing family members. The whole community gets involved and Zimele teaches them the business skills to help them sell and make a profit which then provides support for the families and often money to medicine for the children who have HIV. Zimele teaches communities to be self sufficient. We buy the crafts from them, which have been marked up for their profit and then we sell them and send the money back.
We sold £385 worth of crafts which means that Zimele UK has reached the target of £5000 for the year, and now allows us apply to be a registered charity and the hard work and fundraising can really start. Getting Zimele UK registered was on my list and we have successfully achieved it. Feeling very proud!
The CEO of Zimele was over from South Africa in October and she gave us this video.... it sums up theirs and our work http://www.vimeo.com/7386903 Just watching it again brings a lump to my throat as I know that I have a part to play.
Monday, 30 November 2009
This time though, there was none of the above because I have nothing to feel down or sad about. Life is pretty good, I am happy and it shows.
We walked for a few hours and found this tree. It looks lonely but sinister. I like it. I think there is a story somewhere.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
the words are there
but I write
I have little choice
does that mean
my past is forgotten
that I no longer
what I have seen
some other time
to never be mine
new empathy of face
promised with every embrace
take as you will
no borrowed words
and no standing still
Thursday, 12 November 2009
I felt so desperately sad, not only for those that have lost their lives in wars – both the distant past and the recent weeks but also for those soldiers and ex soldiers who continue on. My thoughts went to an ex soldier who although alive, has lost his life through so many ways. War destroyed his soul and spirit and led him down troubled paths. It has and is taking years for those demons to be put to bed. I don’t think they will ever truly disappear; there will always be the memories of the sights and sounds of war. I also thought of my friend’s partner who at 27 joined the army this year and who is set to go on a tour of duty in spring. I hope he will be ok; the scars that he may return with scare me.
I also thought of someone else who I can see is broken and who has stopped his heart from believing in something that he started, something that he has grown and developed. Times have been very hard and instead of sharing, he has buried his head in the sand and prayed that all will be well. It isn’t well and it won’t be. All I can do is motivate and try to empower him with some faith in what he and his team believe in and the skills and talents they have. I only hope his grasp hasn’t let go completely.
Then there was my brother, who is the most caring, gentle, loving gentleman I know but who never seems to find himself in an easy relationship. His fiancé had ended their relationship leaving him distraught and lost. When he falls in love, he falls hard, deep and fast and after a number of long relationships that have followed a similar path, all we want is for him to find his ‘one’ and not someone who demands so much of his time and who takes advantage of his good nature.
My tears were interrupted by a fire drill, so wiping my eyes and grabbing my things, I made my way to the check point in the park where I stood and thought: All I can do is continue to be me, to keep growing and to provide the helping hand, the cuddles and the support to help them through these not so bright times.
Monday, 26 October 2009
Sunday, 18 October 2009
I’ve had a great birthday weekend and feel touched by my family and friends who have made it special, from my Nan who gave me a beautiful string of pearls with a poem entitled ‘Grandma’s pearls of wisdom’ to my friends who cooked a special dinner and yesterday’s fun in London a memorable girlie day.
1) Skydive – As the biggest challenge to achieve I made sure that I did it (thought that if I did the biggest it would excuse all other failures!) I completed my skydive on the 20th September and it was the most amazing experience of my life. I wasn’t so much nervous whilst sat at the airfield, but more anxious due to the waiting around. Once I had my suit on (including fetching hat) and had a run through of the training, I was ready to go. I was the first to jump from the plane at 14,000ft (which took 15 mins to reach) When the doors opened and we shuffled to the edge of the plane so that I was dangling out the door, legs tucked under the plane as instructor Dave sat on the edge, I thought to myself how I must be mad and then, we fell and tumbled above the clouds freefalling at 125mph for 45 seconds. It was awesome. It didn’t feel as though we were falling because of the pressure against us but when I looked down to the clouds and ground it was all very real. After the parachute opened, the silence and beauty of the ground below was more breathtaking than the fall. I won’t forget that silence. We did a few spiral turns in the sky before coming into land with a bit of a bump. It was the most fantastic experience and I would do it again and again.
I raised over £600 for Zimele UK which was fantastic so thank you to all those that supported and sponsored me, the donations that came from my Twitter friends who which I have never met in person was overwhelming. My skydive can be watched here and I have some photos here
3) IOW Festival - It all got too confusing and expensive.
4) & 5) Ride a horse/get over fear - Horses still aren’t my favourite friends.
6) Watch live Jazz – not yet but this will happen soon.
7) Make a patchwork quilt – I am the proud owner of a beautiful handmade quilt but I have to be honest and sat that my mum did most of it. She got carried away and I let her. I did complete one full line of stitching though.
9) Get a pet – Seriously! What was I thinking, I failed to look after my tomatoes this year (my mum told me off for not feeding and watering!) so having a rabbit would not be a good idea.
10) The picture says it all!
11) I am still a Karaoke virgin
12) Visit Kew Gardens – I will get there one day, I went to Exbury Gardens though.
13) Learn to salsa dance – Not exactly but I rocked dance floors with other moves
14) Read Jane Austen’s novels –I will cosy down over the winter in front of my open fire and read them
15) Trace my family tree – I think my aunty is doing this so I thought I wouldn’t interfere.
16) Go to a murder mystery party – A dead end.
17) Eat at a sushi restaurant – I blame my pregnant vegetarian friend for this failure.
18) Go to a Silent Disco - I couldn’t hear it to find it.
19) Buy a corset – I will squish into one when I can afford to
20) Spend a weekend in Liverpool - I had a weekend Brighton!?!
21) Skinny Dipping – Will perhaps leave this until next summer. A bit Bbbrrrrr! Right now.
22) Hold a slow worm! I did indeed – just here
23) Girlie night in London – We didn’t make it to a club on my birthday but we had a lovely dinner and cocktails in Covent Garden. I am sure there will be plenty more opportunities.
24) Learn to play poker – I tried to learn and was promised a lesson but opponent cheated at another card game.
25) Becoming Marketing Director – I had my promotion in July and new business cards in August.
26) Get Zimele UK registered – We are so very close to this and although not within my timescale we will be registered by February next year due to a lot of hard work and commitment by the trustees and volunteers.
27) Sell one of my paintings –I haven’t painted any to sell! I like mine all too much,
28) White Water Rafting – I think this would scare me more than the skydive; perhaps I need to do this somewhere exotic though!
29) Have a holiday – Went to Greece in July, more on my travel blog
30) Make five new friends – Well, this and my skydive challenge have been the most rewarding. Through the wonderful world of Twitter I have met (virtually) some fabulous interesting people, who have made me smile, laugh and who have given support when I have felt down. Some I have met in person and some I hope to meet. I think the power of twitter was shown last week when @diaryofaledger completed a tweetathon. The level of support was amazing and many were left overwhelmed with what was achieved. I still get a little choked up when I read Gray’s blog.
Friday, 16 October 2009
Monday, 5 October 2009
At the weekend I drove to Oxford and on a blustery day, my journey was adorned with golden leaves, whether falling from the sky like rain or spinning in a whirlwind in a hidden corner of a college wall. As I watched the leaves I felt warmth.There was a great feeling in Oxford with university students moving into new accommodation – some returning for another year, others beginning a new chapter of their lives. You could feel the apprehension and excitement. Sat in sunshine outside a popular pub, I watched parents carrying boxes of belongings – the contents of a bedroom ready to fill a new space of independence. Mothers ‘clucking’ with maps in their hands, and fathers keeping the calm whilst bursting with pride. There were the cool students with eclectic style, those in tweed and flat caps and girls looking like they were fresh from the Joules catalogue. I felt excited for them and envious for the experiences ahead of them. It was good to be there.
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
I spin a pattern
too thin to stand on
silver in sunlight
heavy with dew
confused with crossroads
a beating heart
hot in the centre
gentle breezes sway
flowing on a sigh
a whisper echos
as I pull them
Thursday, 10 September 2009
I have been doing a lot of looking back recently because once again I have found myself at life’s crossroads, where all the signs are either broken or splayed with graffiti, preventing me from clearly seeing which way to go.
This blog began as I ended a ten year relationship with someone I lived with, owned a house with and loved very much. His actions and choices broke me as a person and for many months I tried to hold on to something that he had already given to someone else. I am still not over his betrayal and I don’t think I will ever be. It still hurts and it still makes me cry but I can think back to the person I had become whilst he sat of the fence eating a whole load of cake, and know that I will not be that person again or find myself in the same situation.
I met a very special person not long after who made me feel alive again, someone who encouraged me creatively and made me feel like a true princess. The reason, season, lifetime title of this blog was from our first conversation on New Year’s Eve 2008. Whether the relationship should have started then, I don’t know; we both had own our issues to deal with but somehow we were like two lost souls with and understanding and appreciation of how hard (and shit) life can be. We helped each other through harsh times, both making bad choices along the way and leaning on each other a little too much.
Being there for someone is hard work and I think it takes a particular, well trained person to be able to listen and support someone’s problems, issues or dramas without personally taking it on. I am someone that everyone likes to talk to – I am a good listener and I want to help, but over time, and every now and then I burst with other people’s pain, leaving myself very open and highlighting my own insecurities.
This time round though, I have had to be selfish and think of myself and what I want and what makes me happy, because honestly, I have not been happy for some time. Friends and family find this strange – they tell me to look at what I have: a great job, beautiful house, etc but these are nothing to me when I am feeling so low. It has been a very hard decision to step out and away from a relationship with someone who adores and loves me and breaking a heart in the process. I feel sad and I miss my friend, but I know that I need to look after myself and concentrate on what I want from life – take time to do the things that make me happy. We may have ended on a season but I hope that I have a lifetime friend.
So, what do I want? If only I knew. To be happy and free from worry would be a great start, and I think I am getting there. I am now comfortable with living on my own – I get lonely a lot and I get overwhelmed sometimes with the amount of effort it takes to keep a house going – and an old house at that! There is always a leak or something that needs fixing but I have a lot of people who I can call upon to help. And for days, and evenings when I am feeling alone, I have found solace in the world of Twitter- a comforting distraction full of like-minded, interesting and nice people.
Little steps every day is how I am moving forward, smiling every day and not worrying what others may or may not think. Slowly but surely I am getting there. I know that the future holds great happy times but at the moment, I am happy exploring the roads that lead from the crossroads.
Monday, 24 August 2009
He hated these times, his heart always the same - deep rhythmic beats as they waited for the train to take her away. Small beads of sweat gathered under his trilby, giving away his anxiousness as they rolled down his temples. She must have seen from the corner of her gaze, for her fingers tightened, warm with re-assurance.
Across the platform, on the northern line, stood a young couple locked in an embrace so tight, that it was difficult to see where one ended and the other began; kissing with such passion it was as though their lives depended on the taste of the other’s lips. They watched, remembering back to the first time they had stood on the platform, a fondness for the memory made both of them smile; gone were the days of such physical goodbyes but flame still burned.
She lifted her free hand; red dry skin gave a sign of how age had caught up with her, similar to the mid September chill that tickled the back of her neck. Years ago she would have been like the young girl in the embrace – her legs bare, long and toned in a short yellow skirt and heels. She pulled her silk scarf close around her neck to stop the cold whisper. Where had time run away to? She looked at the gold watch on her wrist (her most recent gift that she would have to justify with a story of extravagant expenditure); it indicated that she had two minutes left. She turned to her everlasting love, his eyes sparkling with the dew of goodbye, his deep brown eyes still managed to leave her breathless. His eyes always said the same, twice a year, for forty years, they had begged her not to go and to leave him again, not to return to the life he was not part of. She thought about the day she had chosen her destiny and how she wished, all those years ago that she had listened to her heart.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Monday, 3 August 2009
I have always wanted to do something like Peta; to do something where I feel I can make a difference, but even my mum tells me I don’t have a strong enough heart to do so. Maybe in a few years when I have a little more wisdom on life and confidence in myself I would like to think I could.
Peta wasn’t the only one who shared this experience and since returning, she has joined three other volunteers who worked in the Kwa Natal communities of South Africa, and set up the UK arm of a charity called Zimele which provides support through projects and skills to the adults and guardians allowing them to look after the children. It is an amazing charity that with little steps and efforts by some very committed people, provides help to those struggling with poverty and who have lost loved ones.Again, wanting to be involved and to help where I can I have become a trustee to provide the marketing support to get the charity off the ground. As with all these things, it takes time and time seems something that gets lost every day. We are all trying to do our bit – from selling the handmade crafts from South Africa at local markets and fair-trade events to writing press releases and arranging fundraising events. Which leads me onto number one of my Things to do before I am 30 list – I have set up my fundraising page and sent it out to all friends and family committing myself to jumping out of a plane at 14,000ft in September. Yikes. I am hoping that I can raise a good amount of sponsorship which will give the projects a great boost and set Zimele UK on the way to being a registered charity (which was another item on my list!)
So, if you are reading this and would like to sponsor me, please go to my fundraising page and donate what you can – even if it is a pound – it makes a difference, and gives me what I need – because believe me, I am going to be shaking like a leaf, with my heart in my mouth as that plan goes up and the doors open.
Thank you ; ) x
Monday, 20 July 2009
Thursday, 25 June 2009
His voice had once saved her. Tonight, his voice changed, it was different and one that reflected a past.
She can’t hear him, she can’t understand. Words are just letters, combined and strung together in a pattern with a sound, but they don’t flow, there is no sense.
She is scared. She can hear the devil knocking on his door; she fears the threshold has been broken and that he is running through his veins. Laughing.
A few words and then silence. A sigh, and then a repeat. She wants to say goodbye, tears sting her cheeks. He doesn’t know; he can’t hear her soft sobbing, her short breaths and long pause.
The threat of anger stills her, the calm before the storm, patiently, she waits.
She wants to be strong, she tries to be brave and tell him how much his backward step hurts. A promise once made, she wants to believe, she has to believe.
Where is her friend? Where is her lover? Where is her promise of a changed life?
She wants to be proud. She wants to be happy and certain the past has a closed door.
She waits for an embrace, a kiss, a reassurance
She waits to be brought back to life.
Monday, 1 June 2009
A corner of my new kitchen with my new tea cosy, handmade by a WI group on the Isle of Wight. My mum knew that I would love it. She was right! Once my perfect kitchen is finished I will share, all I need to find is some vintage jugs, teapots and pretty saucers for my shelves.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
I desperately want a couple more hours in the day in order to tick a few more things off my daily lists. Part of the reason for my loss on the grip of time is THIS! The Internet; social media and networking sites which clog up my day. With so many talented writers and interesting posts, I have a constant urge to keep reading and discovering what is out there.
When I get to work on a morning, or when I get home and switch on my bubblegum pink Dell, my sequence is the same: Check hotmail, check facebook, check twitter, read latest posts on the blogs I have linked to, read posts that others link to. All of this can easily lose me an hour and then I go back to the start because someone may have emailed me, poked me, tweeted me or made a comment.
Also not helping my increasing addiction is the amount of social media marketing that I am now doing at work. I have set up facebook and twitter pages for our company and some of the projects to raise the profile of our brands and to pick up some work. It works and I can easily spend a day searching out profiles to follow, searching tweets to respond to subtlety promoting websites and the business. But where I get lost is in the amount of information available - so many links to blog posts and website telling you how to 'increase your number of followers' , 'analyse your twitter page', 'social marketing for small businesses'. It goes on and on and it is all so useful for me but where is my time to read and then action.
At the crux of it all is not only my time but when, where and how much to say across all these sites. There has been a few discussions on Emily's blog here and on Caroline's regarding anonymity and how personal blogs are. As discussed on Every Day I Lie A Little and Follow the Yellow Brick Road, many writers have their personal blogs or diaries and then other sites where they are able to express themselves through characters and creative writing. I can only tell it how it is and that can prove a challenge when I am marketing a business, promoting myself as a marketeer, attempting to write and explore my creativity and then just being me.
By the time I have read through all the posts and blogs, chuckled at some tweets, looked at photos from someones weekend, I am too tired to comment and therefore, none of the above is working because, as people keep stating, it is all about interacting with your audience.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
I trace your fingertips over hidden lines
you fought the ocean and sailed on through,
burying your soul deep against tides
the gesture of love and the promise of stars
a story etched under salty streams,
the ending the start of a happy beginning
a change in tone complements a lighter shade: soft to touch, gentle to feel.
the song is whispered as a gentle breeze, embracing my fear with a lullaby
slow to sleep but rest I will
comfort no longer sought from the dancing flowers
or in the silence of loneliness
now I can close my eyes with no worry to the past or fear to the coming
my eyes fade with the vision of you but my smile remains
as my reality pulls me close
butterflies dance across my back,
heat stirs beneath my skin,
my lust sweats but my enduring love prevails
Friday, 1 May 2009
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
I am intrigued as to not only the answer to the question but also why they needed to know. Perhaps they had recently bought a shoe and it has broken or worn very quickly or perhaps they own just a shoe - just one and they don't know how long to keep it whilst they wait for the right one to come along. Maybe they have some old shoes but want to know how long you should keep them before they die and have to be sent to the wheelie bin. Or, maybe someone is making a new shoe, one that lasts a lifetime, one that is like no other.
Who knows eh?
Friday, 24 April 2009
Monday, 20 April 2009
Why is love so hard? How do you find out the rules of the game and how to play - not only to stay on top form and ensure that you are winning but how not to blow your opponent completely off the board unable to return to the safety of home.
This weekend I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, I still don't know whether it was right and I am still not sure whether I have actually made my mind up. All I know is that love has me in a complete state of disarray. I have found myself reading blogs, forums and articles to find out how you know and what to do, which leaves me wondering whether the act of having to look something up tells me it anyway and that if it isn't smacking me between the eyes, it so obviously is it not there. Or am I choosing not to see it.
My brother got engaged last week and whilst I am happy for him, it scares me. He has known Jenni since New Years Eve, well not even that as they went on the 'first date' a couple of weeks after that. How can he be so sure after so little time? Is it the case of when you know you know, and because I don't know does that mean it is wrong?
Then my best friend has split from her boyfriend of 5 years because she feels she wants more, she can't say exactly what, but whilst she has a feeling that something isn't right and that she isn't complete it is unfair for her to be with Tim. Fair point I think. So, whilst I am not looking for more and I don't spend my time thinking of what Mr Right would be, I do have doubts that M an I are too different sometimes. I don't think that particularly matters that you are different from one another - it can add life and excitement in trying new things, I do worry about it. How are people so sure or unsure?
The worry has fed and ball of confusion, in which I am running like a hamster trying to make a decision - one that is right for both of us. But, I can't. Well I did, and on Friday I think I may have driven for the last time up the M3, round the M25, down the M4 and into London for the last time. There was little talk, just tears, some cuddles and a painful goodbye early Saturday morning. The weekend has been nothing but tears - I have had some distractions: cups of tea with friends, a trip to the garden centre, the digging of new borders in the garden, Mamma Mia (which I found highly irritating but had to finish it)
I am a great believer in time and that things happen for a reason, season or lifetime, hence the name of this blog which (*breaks for the sob) was topic of my first conversation with M. But when do you know? and how do you get so that your heart and head say the same thing? OK, so he is a little bit 'out there' he is very energetic, a little crude and un-pc sometimes, but is is also the most loving person I have ever met, who I know would do anything for me. He is creative and encourages me to write, we like the same music, the same films, we have the same family values but he is a city boy and I am a country girl who likes nothing more than long walks, picnics and time at the seaside. Where do you draw the line under too many differences?
As made apparent through other posts, I have issues turning 30, mainly because I feel my should be more sorted than it is, that I should know. But I don't, so does that answer all my questions and support that I made the right decision?
I am seeing another clairvoyant on Thursday. I am hoping she will help not only with this but also with decisions at work.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
under lazy summer sun
to where did the beat
of my completed heart
I once stood on a crowded platform
to say goodbye to summer love
tears embracing pain
as fingertips fell and prints erased
too much to lose
you stepped back off the train
and back in to my arms
whatever happened to those times
when we were the sum of all else to come
Monday, 13 April 2009
Friday, 10 April 2009
How do you help someone through a break-up? Other than being there, talking or not talking about the situation, offering love and support. How do you help make the pain go away?
Laura was amazing when I ended my 10 year relationship. I just hope I don't let her down now that her heart is breaking. I feel so helpless.
Well until this evening where I have to pick little sister up from a gig in Southampton. I came her rescue in agreeing to fetch her after seeing ndubz (no idea who) instead of having to be picked up at 10.30pm by my mum. I remember the embarrassment of being picked up early so I stepped in and have been awarded the best sister in the world badge. I would agree. I am a pretty good sister to have.
I need to go buy Easter Eggs. Maybe just another pot of tea first.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
I am wondering what the interview process is for the contestants to get through to the actual show and what the people who don't get through are like.
It is cringe worthy television and I love it.
This week, the contestants are setting up a catering business. Surely it is common sense to know that when it comes to food, poor quality shows, or should I say taste. It is obvious when you skimp, for example, sandwiches taste shit when they have no butter or spread. Seriously guys!
Whatever happened to keeping things simple? Whatever happened to common sense?
The work experience student we currently have at work could be on the show and would fit in well. 'Aaron' has been driving us all mad for 10 days, his classic lines include:
'Paul, why are you shredding the doughnuts? ' Paul actually moved the sweet treats to another desk and then used the shredder - for paper, not doughnuts.
When the MD stated that he had ear ache and that the pain was alike to having glass in his year, young Aaron asked 'Have you been in the loft recently? That is how you might have glass in your
After a challenging conversation with a client - 'Are all your customers stupid?'
I think he would do well in the boardroom with Sir Alan.
Anyway, enough of the ranting, I must get back to trying to finish 'something'. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, especially when I find it so hard to pull words together, I admire Emily and her writing, she is constantly posting great stories. I wonder how she manages it, she is clearly very talented and it obviously comes very natural to her. I think I need another two hours added to my day, or maybe look in new places for inspiration.
Any suggestions on finding inspiration?
Thursday, 19 March 2009
Once I have you my perfect size I would place you with care inside my pinafore pocket - tight into the corner so that you felt snug and safe. I would worry at the thought of you falling around loosely in my pocket and the possibility of you becoming unfolded, so I tuck you deep into the edges.
From the depths of my pinafore pocket I would tell you about the day; how the first signs of spring have enlightened the garden with bright forsythias sprayed like Senorita’s fan and crocus’ shining like bulbs through a lush carpet of green, and how the day ends with candy pink and powder blue skies.
I would protect you from the outside, from the big bad world that prejudges you for being with me and from the opinions that differ to yours.
Some may say that I am smothering you, that my pocket offers no reality and that you will never be yourself. All that I know, is that I would be looking after you, just like I always promised.
Monday, 9 March 2009
It isn’t that I think I will be old, Christ! 30 is nothing, but more that I should start to behave and act with a more appropriate maturity i.e. not to laughing a rude sounding words, not getting ridiculously drunk (although I still have alcohol fear after this) and perhaps starting to know who I am and what a I want from life.
It isn’t so much the issue of age, but more of what I have achieved in 30 years; my lovely Aussie friend whom I visited last summer on a mission to ‘find me' came up with the synopsis that there are four main targets for most people:
1. You're either a family person (ie. fallen in love and created a family by the time you're 30)
2. You're a traveler and have seem half the world, probably twice, before you're 30
3. You're a career person and have got yourself to a good, high paying job that you're happy with by the time your 30.
4. Or you've had a great run at everything - experienced love, made a difference to someone or something, traveled a bit and know where you're headed.
We decided that we are none of the above and our 'issue' is about turning 30 and not having achieved anything. So far, in 29 years mine stack up as: I have traveled to Australia (which was one of the most amazing things I have done, more about on this blog) have also been to Canada and Thailand, I have my own house (only because I was able to buy my ex out of the property after he broke my heart, more here and here)
So, in a effort to enter my 30's with a whole host of achievements, I have exactly 220 days to achieve these thirty things (I have added a couple of things from this previous plan, as I have only managed number 3 on the list) Some will take considerable more effort that others, some will be fun whilst others will get the adrenaline pumping, in particular, holding a slow worm:
1. Skydive – I just need to decide upon which registered charity
2. Go zorbing – already planned for a summer activity
3. Camp at one of the big festivals – Isle of Wight, here I come!
4. Learn to ride a horse
5. Get over fear of horses (perhaps this should be number 4)
6. Watch live jazz, somewhere like Ronnie Scott's would be ace
26. Get Zimele UK, the charity I am a trustee of registered as a charity, this means raising £5000
27. Sell one of my paintings
28. Go white water rafting
29. Have a holiday involving a beach
30. Make five new friends
Well, that should keep me busy.
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Friday, 20 February 2009
I didn't dream
of your life now
you are more alive
I hadn't given you
to hurt me
I could heal
and the bruise
on my intuition
I could start anew
to look deeply
into fresh blue eyes
with no thought
for the last time
Monday, 16 February 2009
Cups of tea with my nan, dinner with best friends, giggles, rose wine, hugging the one that needed love, exercise class with best friends on Saturday morning, more giggles, bending, stretching, meditation, my mum finishing the adjustments on my beautiful green vintage dress, wearing said dress, buying pink jellied sweets for gingerbread man, pink fizz, bubbles, a dozen red roses, candles, glitter love hearts, cooked breakfasts, Sunday lounging, shared cooking, homemade spicy meatballs, baby grand, sticky toffee pudding, early night, cups of tea and lots of kisses.
Monday, 9 February 2009
Whilst eating and drinking lots, I have been finding lots of fab blogs and sites and new pretty things for my kitchen, which will hopefully be finished soon.
Socrates Adams- Florou has started an adventure blog called Choose your own adventure. The suspense is brewing; the chapters are a result of people voting for a particular outcome. I think it might get weird. Fantastic.
Save the word is a brilliant site (a recent find whilst reading Beth's blog), so many words, so much inspiration. I am liking the words: Mulomedic, quibbleism and pigritude. I am wondering who writes the definitions:
I have spent a considerable amount of time on twitter today, I signed up a week or so ago with no idea on what it is or what you are meant to do. Anyway, I am there to twit me or whatever it is.
Friday, 6 February 2009
I am at my desk hugging a hot water bottle. I am going to slide off my chair and under my cold, unfriendly workstation and hide until home time or until someone comes and hugs me.
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
I hate writing press releases. We have the 2009 editions of all our visitor guides and pocket guides and I need to launch them with the local press. I don't know why I dislike writing press releases so much, I think maybe, it is a confidence issue, I need to get to the stage where journalists print my news verbatim instead of cutting a piece of work (which I spent far too much time on) down to 20 words.
The problem is, I am instigating a lot of PR. As a destination marketing business, we have a great opportunity to jump on the back of the recession, after all, around 20 % of those who took a foreign holiday last year will be saving money this year by choosing the UK as their holiday destination. Apparently, there will be a lot of 'trips down memory lane' as parents take their families to the seaside resorts that they visited as children. Anyway, I have lots of ideas but even more frustration at the execution of them.
It is an interesting week at work. One of the founding directors is leaving to pursue his career. He is taking one element of our business to set up as an independent Ltd company an I have never see anyone so un-bothered about relinquishing something that was an idea on a cigarette packet a number of years ago and now a fantastic business with staff. He has been a total shit about the whole process and I feel very angry and hurt by some of the decisions and methods he is taking to achieve his goals. As a leaving present I have bought him a pink sparkly stapler as we have 'issues' over (my) stapler which lives on (my) desk.
I am listening to Wasted Youth on repeat, it makes me want prance around and head bang. A feel good song from my not so wasted youth. It is a Meatloaf song if anyone cares.
I feel a bit like a teenager with a huge crush on someone unattainable such as a college student or lead singer of a band, except my crush is attainable, I just haven't seen him for nearly two weeks and I am suffocating with anticipation. Three more sleeps to go.
This morning, when I was half asleep, dozing to the radio, I could have sworn I heard that a women had given birth to an octopus.
Thursday, 22 January 2009
a deep depressing blue
ephemeral or the course of months to come
new beginnings, bad associations
a split, a phone call, a broken heart
frosty edges and brittle tension
cold fear for the mindful
an email, letter, an apology
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
There is a lot of compromise taking place around me and I am unsure as to whether it is based on the lack of acceptance or attainability. Selfishness has a part to play; it is the darker voice from the left shoulder saying “think of number one”, “don’t give in”. That is OK, if the compromise is unfair or unacceptable but when someone is in front of you, someone you have a love for, and they are stood with their defences down, hoping for honesty and trust, is it not the ‘right path to take’ and adjust your demands, perceptions or values to a more comprising ideal?
I have a dream. A life wished for and worked towards, a job which is a means to that life. I have morals and values, reflective of that life which holds me as I want me to be, a promise to myself.
Is it that others are compromising my dreams or am I? What would happen if I shared those dreams? They become vulnerable and open to further compromise by those selfish enough to try.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
I watched people cross pedestrian crossings through rose tinted glasses as the sky swirled with pink fluffy clouds. If I reached out to take a slice of the sky, it would have a dusting of icing sugar and a fragrant rose smell.
As the sun rested on the horizon, the parma violet veil gently fell, closing the day with a sense of calm and leaving me with a sweet tooth.
Monday, 5 January 2009
This leads me to my resolutions:
1. To drink in moderation
2. Always do the right thing
According to my stars for 2009, this is going to be a very good year for me. I have been reading a variety of horoscope predictions for this new year, I am a very typical Libran and it amuses me to see how different papers predict slightly different happenings. I think 2009 is going to be a challenging one, work is going to be a difficult one due to one of the directors leaving to (selfishly) follow his goals. It will be a make or break time for the the business but there is an offer of directorship for myself. A decision to ponder over in some depth.
I want to do more of what I enjoy in 2009: baking, painting, going for walks, cooking, dancing, spending time with friends, gardening, reading, spending time by the sea, smiling, laughing, loving and letting go.
I want to do less of: eating junk food, crying, sulking, procrastinating, over thinking, feeling bitter, all day hangovers,
Sally has tagged me to write seven things about myself and then tag seven more people, I never usually do these things, but I feel like time wasting:
1. I am the same height now as when I left primary school ( 5ft 7in)
2. I love pigs
3. I am coulrophobic
4. I can't eat chocolate and haven't done so for 18 years.
5. For my lunch today, I ate a ham, cheese and mustard sandwich on white bread and an apple
6. I have a sore neck and back from sleeping funny on Saturday night
7. I think I have a ghost in my house
The seven people I will 'tag' are: Emily, Bethan, Martyn, Laura, Emma, Bunglie, spiderpig.