A dip

with happiness there comes pain

with love there comes frustration

Today is not a good day.

Frustration on so many levels; I don't want to wait and be patient.

I want to be able to be free of the burden and able to say how it really feels.

Waiting in their hands

Today I sat in yet another waiting room, waiting for another scan and test. It appears that every week I have a new thing to experience within the realms of the hospital. It has been nearly five weeks since I first found the lump AKA Derek and although that seems a while ago now, everything does seem to be happening as quite quickly.

I have had an ultra sound, internal examination, MRI scan and a CT scan. Surely that is enough for the the doctors to know exactly what Derek is and the best way to remove him; but it appears not.

On Friday, my case will be discussed at an MDT (a multi-disciplinary meeting) where they will decide what I have done, my risk factor and how it will be dealt with, and of course, where I go to have it done. The consultant called me last Monday to go through what needed to happen next. At that stage, the MRI scan still hadn't given them enough information so the CT scan was being booked. I tried to take everything in as she talked about the type of cyst and that it was complicated and that I would have to lose my right ovary. Because Derek is so big (the size of a melon) they can't quite see my left ovary so that is uncertain at the moment. But, she has reassured me that they know I am young and have not had children yet so will do everything they can. She also talked about pre-cancerous changes, raised hormone levels and the surgery.

It was all very scary and saddening and still is.

My thoughts drift between positive and the slightly morbid, there is no level ground. I am noticing children, families and couples a lot more; wondering whether I will get to have that or whether it just isn't meant to be. All the things I have wanted the most for a long time feel to be in the hands of a group of doctors and there isn't much I can do but sit it out and wait.

I would be lying to say I wasn't worried or scared but I am very thankful for my lovely family and friends, both in real life and those online in Twitterland. I know the support is there and that I will be OK with lots of people holding my hand.

For now, I am focusing on the business, trying to get ahead of myself for when I have to spend time in hospital and trying to get as much rest and sleep as possible so recovery can be as quick as possible.

After all, I have a festival to go to in June!

Thanks everyone x

Darkness

you live in the shadows
always knowing
never known
surrounded by hope
yet consumed with fate
every twist and turn
forced contemplation
of future stories
and tales to tell
the happy ending
yours to take
all I ask
is to give me time

These words are mine

With my words
I can never tell
the truth behind
what is felt

Twist and turn
my fierce temptation
to pour and spill
then crash and burn

Take what you will
from the style of
my expression
fluid and never still

Words appear
for no-one but me
the reason and truth
are for me to fear

The truth about Derek

My life seems to be a constant roller-coaster. There never seems to be a period of calm and of constant well being and satisfaction, there always seems to be 'something' going on.
Just as I was starting to come out of the big dip and loop-the-loop, feeling more positive and in control of work, relationships and life, the track has shifted and I am approaching another scary section of the ride.

Last Tuesday in Pilates, when lying on my stomach attempting to do an exercise, I noticed a hard lump in my stomach. At first I though I was lying on one of the jelly type balls we use or that my top was scrunched up under me. There was nothing there yet it felt like I was lying on something. I was very uncomfortable and very worried; all manner of things crossed my mind as I felt how hard my stomach had become and the shape of the random mass.

I arranged an appointment with my doctor on Thursday who seemed equally as baffled but referred me for an urgent ultrasound. Always reassuring when in a doctors room and he is frantically writing URGENT and underlining it several times on a referral fax.

Luckily there was a cancellation on Friday and I could whiz up to the hospital for a scan but not before drinking a litre of water. I have never been so desperate to pee and with the appointment running late, I was fit to burst to the extent that I could hardly walk or talk. The lovely Lucy was an absolute star in trying to take my mind of the fact I was about to wet myself... in actual fact, I think I agreed to join the WI!

The ultrasound revealed what they think is an ovarian cyst and at 20cm wide, it is not a small bugger. I cried. The thought of having something that big inside of me was a shock. So many questions flew through my mind but none that could really be answered.

So, the next dip is the fact that I will have to have an operation to remove the cyst, which I have named Derek... perhaps a bit wrong and sick, but hey! I need to make light of it - it is the way I deal with things. Besides, my friend told me that sometimes cysts grow teeth and hair, which is WRONG, so I have an image of a little Pac Man inside me, it felt right to name it. (Why on earth she told me that - I have no idea!!)

This is going to mean time off from work which is going to be a challenge especially when everything is picking up again with new projects and I need to jump on some opportunities. But, health DOES come first and I will just have to do what I can, when I can. Am certainly going to have to work hard this coming week to get as much off the ground and ready as possible.

Just another thing to deal with but I have lots of lovely family and friends to help me out and keep me positive.