Reaching for you

Last night I had a dream:

I was in bed asleep, in that hazy, drifting slumber when you can't work out where you are.
Someone got into my bed, they were on the edge but I felt the heat from their skin.
I reached out and felt an arm as a hand reached back to me. Fingertips on my skin, barely touching but I knew it was you.
I wanted to pull you closer, I reached more to find you and I called your name.
Your name repeating on my lips as I tried to find you.

I woke myself up by calling your name aloud.

Once again

I find it hard to comprehend how I can still love you so much yet I am so angry and frustrated by you.
Days like today, when all that is needed is a little humanity, a little kindness and when it is no about you and how you feel, make me unbelievably hurt, sad and angry.

I have started to wonder your intentions from the start.

I sit and watch others, the pain of seeing love and happiness make my loneliness and loss even more unbearable. .

I just keep having to remind myself that this is you. Your choice and decision.

You did this. You broke us.

Once again this space is going to be my saviour as words pour to help me on this journey, this transition and the adventure that one day I will be able to face again.

It makes no sense

I stand confused by your intentions.
I sit on my hands so that I do not touch
I lay under you feeling my heart crushed

I see you but I am invisible to your eyes
I hear your words yet I am lost to what you are speaking
 I taste you on my lips when I know I shouldn't

You look at me lost, your smile has faded to a distant time
You speak to me with no meaning
You listen to me distracted

We once sat by the river entangled in touch
We heard no sounds only the voices in our hearts
We spoke the same language, our own words of understanding.

Us is what I wish for
They is what I want
Them to say, are in love

Blue Sky Thinking

I sat under the apple tree and dreamed. As the leaves danced in the gentle summer breeze and the blue sky became endless deeper.
I thought of blue sky thinking and what it meant. I thought of Cinderella's blue dress and " A dream is a wish your heart makes" I thought of my dreams and my heart's wishes.

My heart is broken and it wishes to be mended. My heart needs love to be restored to its former self.

I remembered a story; a story of a girl who puts her heart in a jar so to protect and keep it safe. But without her heart, she forgets who she is and she can no longer wish. She has lost the ability to dream.

No matter how many letters, words or sentences are used to make a wish, unless our heart is behind it and fully embracing the intent, the tone and the desire, we will never be able to dream, let alone make those dreams come true.

Looking for answers

Under Orion's belt

I wished upon a star

With my back against the wall

I prayed to the sun

I blamed the moon

and dreamt of the ocean

I questioned the very nature

of why we exist.