The hum of the Fat Lady

I thought it was all over. But I guess the fat lady is still sitting in the corner, quietly humming to herself.
As one mountain is climbed, another appears like a volcano rising from the sea, steaming with anxiety.
All I have ever wanted is to be able to draw a line under it, I keep trying but with every new mountain the line just becomes a zig-zag, almost like a fat green snake poking its tongue out at the top of a snakes and ladder board.

We just keep going back to the beginning.

My fear is that this time, it still won't be the end; that there will be "something" else that will prevent me from clearing it all completely from my mind. Always there, right at the back, just etching away slightly with a whisper of 'what ifs'.

At 20 weeks old, my flower Violet is a true miracle. There will be no more because it will be impossible. In 3 weeks time I will be hollow and in hospital on my own. It won't be like last time. I will have few or no visitors other than Carl and Violet. Five days for the what ifs to grow until they tell me that everything is clear.

Only then will I get a big black marker pen and draw the biggest, thickest line

Today

My laparoscopy to check my right ovary was on this day a year ago. This was when they told me that the cells had spread and that I would have to have my remaining ovary removed.
This time last year I thought I wouldn't have children.
Today, I am +1 day over my due date and can't help feeling that she will come today.

So much is about to change.

From today, I will be with Carl always. No more goodnights over FaceTime, no more 'Morning.. I am awake' texts, no more struggling on our own.

We will become a team - how a husband and wife should be as we start our next chapter together and raise our little family.

I can't believe how fast 12 months have passed by, but finally, we are on the edge of what we have wanted for so long.

Birthday wishes

Ever since I was little, I always said that my ideal age to have children would be 33. I don't know where this came from, whether it was a random age I picked from the clouds or whether something influenced me at a young age. But I always had an idea that by the age of 33, I would like to be married and that children would come during my thirty-third year.

Today is my birthday and today I turn 33.

In the last year, I have got married and in (hopefully) 10 days time, our little miracle will have arrived and I will become a mother.

Now I don't know whether my life is following some kind of plan, I don't really believe in destinies or fate. But I do know that things can happen quickly when it is absolutely right, when we accept and are open to ourselves and others, life has a way of rewarding us.

I remember saying to mum each birthday as I approached today's age and whilst single, that it is and would be possible to meet someone, marry them and have a baby all within a year - as long as it was right. And this is what has happened, OK it has been a little longer than a year but still, it goes to show, when it is right and you know - life is on your side and good things happen.

Autumn Reflections

Sometimes it feels like I have already gone.
Like the summer that flew by without a hint of what used to be.
No warmth is left just lazy sunshine clinging to the last hours.
I feel avoided.
Like the clocks changing, I am the bearer of long periods of darkness that nobody likes to talk about.
The white elephant in the corner of the room.
As leaves turn and eventually fall, leaving landscapes vulnerable and empty.
I wonder how my new surroundings will welcome me or whether I will be left in the whiteness of winter.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

365 Days

This time last year, it was the eve of my operation.
I was scared and anxious of the unknown.
I can't remember if I slept well, probably not.
This time last year my thoughts were on whether I had cancer and whether I would ever be able to have children.
I thought, probably not.

Tomorrow I will be back at the hospital where it all began.
A year of appointments, procedures... tears
Tomorrow we get to see our tiny miracle, 20 weeks old.
The 8th June will always be a day I remember
And a reminder to never give up
That everything always comes right in the end.

My Story

I had wanted to move away from blogging about my life and back to some creative writing but so much has happened in the last few month I thought I would share some more.... and it does make a good story!

I have been quite open about my various operations and heath problems over the last year. It was last April (practically to the day) that the journey of endless hospital visits, tests and scans started, then the operations, more scans and tests and finally the fertility treatment this January so that in a few years time, we could have children despite me having both my ovaries removed. 

The treatment finished at the end of January and soon after I had my next operation date - the 29th February to have my left ovary and various bits removed. I was nervous and anxious the night before; there wasn't much that Carl could to do reassure and comfort me. My stomach cramping with IBS (or so I thought at the time) and on the morning of the operation, a migraine erupted.

Carl couldn't stay with me because of it being a women only hospital, so I was shown to a bed given a cocktail of strong painkillers for the migraine and told to wait. I slept a bit, cried a bit and just waited whilst at least 8 women were wheeled off the ward and take into theatre. 

My nurse Evie was ditsy. Lovely, but all over the place. She kept forgetting what she was doing with me and I waved my little pot of urine a few times to remind her that she hadn't taken it to wherever it needed to go. At 12.30pm, she went off for lunch - she said goodbye and good luck and again I pointed out that my pee pot was still on the window.

Almost an hour later, an anaesthetist nurse came to get me to take me to theatre. I answered the same questions I have been answering all morning… name, date of birth. She asked if I had provided a sample because the relevant box hadn't been ticked, I told her that Evie had taken it to which she replied that we would find out the result on the way round to theatre.

So off I go on my bed, deep breaths and thinking I CAN do this again; I get wheeled in the to white room where they send you off into lovely sleeps. The nurse (who I remember from my laparoscopy) asked lots of questions about what I do… I know she sees hundreds of people a month so of course she can't remember me, but I couldn't help be impatient that I had told her all this before.

A man came in and introduced himself and the medical student he is with. He started getting the cannula into my hand whilst the nurse hooks me up to the sticky pads for monitoring.  Two more people came into the room and the anaesthetist explains about me having a spinal as well as general.

Then Evie appeared...

Everyone shuffled whilst they were talking behind me and Evie asked if I can do another urine sample. I told her I have just been, they all asked me to try and suggested that they stand outside the room whilst I pee into one of the card sick bowls. I explained that I can't and then the anaesthetist asked when my last period was. I told them it was the end of January and that I knew I was late but i was putting it down to the hormones I was pumped with during January and that my cycle has probably been affected.

Everyone was smiling and saying what good news. No one said, "Jo, you are pregnant" They just beamed with smiles and say what wonderful news. Mr Metcalf, my consultant came through from the theatre room and told me that I like to complicate things and that he won't be performing the operation… All I could say was that I was getting married in September and how was I meant to fit into my dress! They told me I went pale… and then flushed as I was wheeled back to the ward so I could go for another wee to confirm and to wait for a slot up in early pregnancy for a scan and blood test.

My second wee confirmed everything and I was left on the ward on my own with 'OH MY GOD' going over and over in my head. I called Carl and told him they had cancelled my operation and the reason why… more "OH MY GODs' and asked him to come back asap. I called mum and told her, she cried and screamed down the phone and says she has made a cake.

I had pretty much accepted that I may not be able to have children after all my 'problems'. Yes, we had 'back-up' with the frozen ones but with a 30% success rate of IVF, I wasn't getting my hopes up. I think back to the ultrasound I had in September where the women told me I would never fall pregnant with my uterus the way it was and all the things that went against us and thinking that we would ever be able to have children. 

I guess when you stop and accept things as they are - little miracles can happen.

So that is my story….

Oh and to ensure I fit in my wedding dress, a bigger size was ordered and the date moved to the end of June.  So marriage, baby and moving all in one year - 2012 is certainly going to be interesting!

Remembering

Smells can transport you

back to a place

or time of yesterday

a facewash soap took me

back to hospital

the smells of cleanliness

and routine

green fairy liquid made me smile

as the memories of summer

in Nanny's garden washing dolly's hair

So many memories forgotten

until the scent of past overwhelms