Friends

I never thought it was possible to feel so many things at the same time.
Feeling empathetic towards a stranger, knowing their pain, their loss and anger yet feeling helpless for a friend who's world has been tipped upside down.

Someone told me people would get hurt. But we can't always stop the people we love and care about from pain. We all wish we didn't have to see others go through things, but it has to happen. They are lessons and paths we have to take. We learn, we grow and we try not to make the same errors again.

All we can do is hold a hand and offer friendship and support for when our friends when need it.

Their choices are theirs to make, we may not agree but true friends will be there regardless.

My door is always open.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Suits of despair

surrounded by black suits
voices dull
words I don't understand
sounds I can not hear
there is only one voice
it whispers and echos
reminding me of you
I think of you, my friend
the one I have lost
to the voice
in your head
the one that tells you
that I am no good

Lyrics and Life

We all have songs that resonate with us, no matter what is going on in our lives, there is always that song that when we hear it, we stop what we are doing and we think.
Lyrics can be so powerful. They can save us and send us on new paths. Sometimes it is as though the artist/ songwriter is writing specifically for us - as if they know what we need to hear and that we need to be reminded that how we feel - others feel the same.

I have a few songs that remind me of different times of my life and which helped my thoughts at the time, maybe I will save those for a different post! But the main song and lyrics which make me stop and which remind me of where I am and where I need to be is Rewind by Stereophonics. It is a beautiful song and reminds me that I should never compromise who or what I want to be.

In the answer to the question, if I could rewind my time, would I change my life? No, I wouldn't. All things happen for reasons and that includes the hard stuff, but sometimes, it only takes a song to remind us of that fact and that it will all be ok.


Here are the lyrics:

It's your time
It's your day
It's never too late
To change lanes
How's your life?
How's your place?
Was it where you wanted
Your head to lay?

But wait, you can breathe
You can see what I can see
Don't waste your time
You can't make back

If you could rewind your time
Would you change your life?

Do you like you?
Do you love your wife?
Or did you pick what
You're told was right?

Dream and be
What you feel
Don't you compromise
What you wanna be

'Cause change is okay
What's the point in staying the same
Regrets, forget what's dead and gone

If you could rewind your time
Would you change your life?

If Jesus rode in on a camel today
With your cross on his shoulder
Time to take you away
Have you done all you wanted?
Are you happy and warm?
Do you miss someone special
You don't see anymore?
Have you blood on your hands?
Do you dream of white sands?
Can you sleep well at night?
Have you done all you can?
The place I was born in
Stays crooked and straight
I see innocent blue eyes
Go blind everyday

Rewind your time
Would you change your life
Today?

Waves of emotion

I can see something heading into a epic disaster.

It is like the wave that starts far out at sea, gently being caressed and moved by the currents beneath it. Without much effort or choice, it picks up speed, rolling faster and growing in size. The wave might want to stop and slow down, but it can't; the current is so strong, it has grasped the wave and won't release its hold. As it grows, every rock, ship or structure that stands in its way is hit harder and harder with a full body of emotion.

It sees safety in a shore and it stretches to reach the calm flat end. But before it is there, before the end it has to break. Every wave has its breaking point where the horses run wild, where the crash of emotion explodes and thrashes the water with anger, feeling relieved at the release.

The wave has been building for tides. All it wants, is to be set free.

A New Hope

You hold my hand from a distance
Always there at the touch of a send
Far away but your warmth glows
Healing my pain and caressing my sigh
At times we are one, the same lost soul
Wanting to be heard, needing to be loved
Longing for life
To pervade tired blue eyes
As the bond changes and grows
New feelings and hope cement the trust,
That hand in hand
Our dreams will seen

Looking Back/Looking Forward

I have been wondering about posting a 'Looking Back/Looking Forward' based post for at least a week now, but the tone and content of what I really want to say has changed daily. I then gave up and thought I wouldn't bother especially as I have been ill with some kind of flu/cold and not been out of bed for 5 days. As you can imagine, the post has got more and more negative as the germs took hold.


However, in this down time which I have been forced to take, I have realised a lot about myself and what needs to be 'fixed' to enable me to not only be happy but to start attracting and embracing all that I want from life. Someone made me realise that it is ok to ask for help. So I thought I would write as I know it will be important, this time next year when 'looking back'.

I did manage to drag myself out of bed on New Years Eve and spend a couple of hours with my friends to see in 2011. I am glad I made the effort - I figured feeling rotten and out would be better than in, alone and miserable. I got quite emotional at midnight as I said goodbye to 2010 which has been a hard and difficult year and tried to welcome 2011 and all that it may bring.

I am not going to go on about the bad times (there are enough miserable posts on here from the last few months) but I am going to make a list of my priorities for the next 12 months:

1. Fix what is broken and not be ashamed or scared of asking for help
2. Focus on the long term fixes - no more short terms (that includes men!)
3. Improve work/life balance
4. Stop looking so hard
5. Be open
6. Be honest - mainly with myself
7. Look after myself which means exercise, eating healthy and giving myself a break
8. Stop complaining about being lonely and do something about it
9. Protect myself
10. Learn to laugh and have fun again

Not much eh?

But 2011 needs to be about me and addressing some issues. 2010 was a lot of fun and I loved my year of being 30. I did things that I should have got out of my system when I was younger. So many experiences, giggles, great nights out and new friends but in doing that, I also lost something - not that I know what, but something is misplaced and 2011 needs to be about finding it and achieving a consistent happiness.

I am ready.

StoryTeller Memories

I knew that it was inevitable and that I would be poorly over the Christmas break. After pushing myself for a few months and despite the advice of others, I have ignored the need for some rest before now. I figured that as Christmas was 4 days off this year, that I would wait until then but I have taken double that time because of being in bed with the worst body aches, shivers and sweats I have had for years.

I am not very good at being ill (mind you, who is?) but when you live by yourself it can make you feel all the more lonely. Just wanting that certain someone to pop their head around the door to check you are ok, someone to bring food and drink when you legs just won't hold you up and someone to cuddle and ease you to sleep.

Last night I couldn't sleep, partly because of the constant cough but also because I was panicking and thinking about work and what I need and still have to do. A vicious circle because I could not relax and I coughed more. But, it made me think to when I was poorly when I was little and the days I would spend at home tucked up in bed. It made me think of stories, bedtimes stories and how I used to love being read to (and still do.)

My nan used to read us stories when we stayed at hers. My stories were all about fairies and magic, whilst my brothers combined all the action heroes working together to save the day. But for the days that I was at home, poorly or if I couldn't sleep, I had my StoryTeller.

StoryTeller came out every fortnight and each was a magazine and tape full of magical stories. It came out between 1982-'85 and I vaguely remember going to the newsagents to collect them - at being 3/4 years old, this might be one of my earliest memories.
In trying to remember some of the characters from the stories, which often featured in more than one issue, I found this on Wikipedia which made the memories come flooding back.
I had all 26 parts of StoryTeller 1 - that is 26 tapes and magazines which I listened to all the time. The Christmas edition was one of my favourites with the adventures of Timbertwig and Bertie's Escapade. I remember loving Bernard Cribbins voice and it sending me to sleep, the same with Shelia Hancocks in the stories
of Gobbolino, the little black witches cat.

I remembered the music, particularly on the ones that I didn't like or thatscared me and the illustrations which varied in style for each story.

I remembered how much I loved snuggling down in my bed, surrounded by teddies with my cassette player, listening to stories, never tiring of hearing them - always knowing when to pause, rewind or fast forward to my favourites. I remember being soothed by stories and new worlds. I am still no different today.

My mum still has the magazines and tapes - am going to make sure I pick them up soon, so that next time I am poorly, or just need some company or sending off to sleep, I can lose myself back in magical worlds.