A year on...

Time flies when you are having fun or if you are a busy little bumble bee.

This month it will have been a year that I was made redundant from Walking Distance as it went into liquidation. That was Friday 13th August and the day after I registered my company, The Marketing Collective and spent August 2010 working my behind off to get set up a new business so that clients and projects could continue.

A year on and I could not have asked for more. The Marketing Collective has done really well in its first year. I have produced four successful publications and taken on new clients - some within the tourism industry and some not. I have exceeded my expectations of turnover in the first year and been overwhelmed with the support from clients and the reputation that is being built.

I haven't done it alone, I have had friends, family and colleagues helping me along the way and I truly feel I have a great team of freelancers who are as dedicated to The Marketing Collective as I am.

It hasn't been easy. I worked my socks off in the first four months which resulted in a meltdown in January and the failure of a work/life balance, well not actually having any 'life' put me into a cycle of depression in early 2011 - overwhelmed with all that needed doing and the isolation of working and living on my own.

As I was coming into the brighter times, I had the stress of Derek and the disruption of having major surgery and being signed off work for six-weeks. During this time I was still able to 'knock out' a publication, one of which I am very proud of.

I have tried to take some time off during August, to try and relax and to plan the next year, which is going to be just as busy. I have also used it as a time to thank friends, family and colleagues for their support and to celebrate.

13 is meant to be an unlucky number and Friday 13th is well avoided by the superstitious. For me 13 is lucky. It was the day my life changed in more ways than one. Not only with work and a new direction but also in love. It was the first say I spoke to someone very special - someone else who has also changed my life dramatically, but more about that another time.

But for now, work/life/love has the perfect balance and it is only going to get better!

Perfection

A sun kissed arm
Tangled around your neck.
Reflections of the river
Shimmer on your shades
The gentle touch
Of fingertips and breeze
Dance through covered blonde
Soft lips against
Cherry red with chosen words
To learn and love



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fear

I found a letter, that was more of a promise.

my heart pounded and eyes skipped over words

each commitment, a lie that was masked

from the very beginning, I should have known

that the struggle was power, the energy was anger

fearful of words, never knowing the right ones

to say or to hold close, only until now,

I realise that the power was a flicker

for a light that was ignited and burned intensely

overwhelming even at distance, where heat bubbled

and gave a purpose to life

When words fail

Today I feel like words are my enemies. I am angry and frustrated at the use of words and how we can abuse them so easily, how the absence of one word (or two) from a sentence or paragraph can change everything. How words, within seconds of reading them can change our mood and throw us into a pit of self-doubt.

The tone of a word is hard to communicate when tension and frustration has set in. It is easier to type or text and to let the words flow without reading and checking as to whether they say what we really intend.

How many times do we proof read a text, tweet, update or message before hitting send?

Is it a sign of becoming lazy with words and putting more emphasis on the expectations of the recipient that they will 'know and understand'. Words and their interpretation should never be taken for granted but they so often are. We presume others are more aware of a situation or have inside information or are conspiring against us and we get angry and sad when the response is not what we want to hear, when in actual fact, if the response was said to us in person and we could hear the tone of voice, see the facial expressions and body language, we would know that there is no conspiracy and that people do care.

Words are powerful things, please use them with care.

Relief at last

Since the beginning of April all I have wanted is to be able to take a huge breath in, fill my lungs and then exhale knowing that I am ok and that my health is back to what it should be.

Today I have finally taken that breath and my goodness it feels good.

After the last hospital appointment I was left with a decision as to whether I have my left ovary taken out after being told the disease had made a home on it, or whether to leave it, plan my future i.e children, as normal and just keep the left ovary monitored. I was a mess after that appointment. I had wanted to get some closure on the last few months and know that I could move on but I was told that the left ovary already had the disease so to me, the saga has still been continuing.

HOWEVER...

This afternoon I have been to see Mr Metcalf, (who was unavailable last time so I saw one of his colleagues) I went with confidence to let him know what I had decided - to removed the left ovary and have some eggs frozen for a future time. He looked a little shocked at that and advised me that I shouldn't. As he started to explain about the little 'node' that shown itself on my left ovary it turned out that they didn't just take a biopsy of it but they cut it out of my ovary. So, there was me thinking after the last appointment that I have another little bugger (who had been named Eric) and have been worrying since about how and when it might grow, when in actual fact - I have nothing! There are no more nasties in my body and I do not have to lose my left ovary all I have to have is an ultrasound every 4 -6 months to check make sure nothing new is growing.

INHALE.... EXHALE....

I feel like a cloud has been lifted. I am still seeing the infertility clinic next week to discuss harvesting and freezing eggs but this is going to be more of a back up plan should anything crop up and start to grow again. But, I have been told that having babies naturally shouldn't be a problem.

I have no idea why we were told this before or if we did why we didn't pick up on it. My medical friend was with me last time and she was of the same understanding. I spent that Friday sobbing my little heart out for nothing.

Today I have done what I wanted to do three weeks ago - skip out of the hospital feeling positive and happy.

And now I can properly draw a line under it and get back to being me.

DEREK THE CYST

___________________

DONE

The Fine Line

we tiptoe on faint lines

a tightrope of emotion

and a balance to fine to reach

a strong step forward

then two unstable back

never fully reaching

the potential of the end

anger and frustration

as forces knock and push

we reach out our arms

waiting to be held

wanting to be caught

there is no helping hand

from within

the strength will come

The Decisions of Life

I was hoping that my follow-up hospital appointment would give me some closure on the last few months of Derek's rude invasion of my body.

Yesterday's appointment didn't give me that and instead it gave me a serious amount of thinking to do and some very difficult decisions to make.

The pathology results showed that Derek was a Borderline Ovarian Tumour (BOC). I was told by the consultant not to look on the Internet because the information is very limited and in most cases, explanations of BOC include the word cancer. He stressed it is important to know that I didn't and don't have cancer. This was and is a huge relief and I think a giant cloud has lifted from my family and friends. But it is still very hard to understand what Derek was - apparently it is so complex that even doctors don't fully understand. My lovely friend Peta found this for me though:

What is borderline ovarian cancer (BOC)?
BOC is probably best defined by what it is not. ‘Ordinary’ ovarian cancer is when cells grow uncontrollably on the surface of the ovary and are able to spread to other organs. Most cases of ordinary ovarian cancer are found at an advanced stage (stage 3 or 4). This is when the cancer has spread beyond the ovary. Although BOC arises from the same type of cells on the surface of the ovary, their growth is much more controlled, and they are usually not able to invade other tissues.
For this reason, some doctors prefer the term ‘borderline ovarian tumour’ rather than ‘borderline ovarian cancer’.
Because BOC behaves in a much less aggressive way, in most women the condition has not spread beyond the ovary when it is diagnosed (stage 1 disease). This means that for women who have had surgery to remove an early disease, the risk of it coming back is very small (less than 5%). Most experts recommend that no special follow-up is needed after surgery for stage 1 BOC.

It then goes onto explain that there are some difficult cases and of course, I am one of those:
- Stage-1 borderline ovarian tumours in young women treated with limited surgery to allow you to keep your ovary. There could be an increased risk of the disease coming back in the ovary you have kept.

I already know that there is a smaller version of Derek (now named Eric) on my remaining left ovary so the disease has spread. It was always the plan from when originally discussing with my consultant Mr Metcalf, that we would do the procedure in stages, giving me the chance to think about fertility options etc.

It was always more my worry that I wouldn't be able to have children and that it would be taken away from me, so to be faced with the reality that I now have those decisions to make, is all very overwhelming.

I have two options: I can either leave little Eric where he is, have him monitored regularly and try to conceive naturally and when I am ready to. I can have some eggs frozen also and to keep them as a back up plan if Eric suddenly grows at the same speed and I have to have my left ovary removed.
The other option is to have my eggs frozen asap and to have the surgery to remove my remaining ovary at the earliest possible chance. This will ensure that all the 'nasties' are out and I have no risk of the tumour spreading onto other areas in my pelvis (such as my bowel) which will involved greater surgery.

I cried all afternoon yesterday. All I wanted was for it all to be over; to come away from the hospital with a clean bill of health and to know what it is all behind me. I think until I have more surgery it is always going to be at the back of my mind that I have something 'alien' inside me. There are too many what ifs to leave it there - what if it suddenly grows, what if I fell pregnant and the hormones made it grow at speed - how would that affect the baby, what if it does spread.. what if... what if....

In three weeks time I have to go back with my decision, which at the moment is to have it all removed as soon as possible and to have some eggs frozen for when I am ready. I don't want to rush anything or feel under any pressure to have children before I am really ready to.
And if it doesn't work and I can't have children well that is something that I will have to deal with when it happens.

At the moment I am just very thankful for a such a loving and supportive family and circle of friends.