In order to move forward sometimes we have to look backwards to where we have been and the challenges we have overcome – to look back at the hurt and almost feel the pain again of those situations which we often claim: ‘Made us a better people’.
I have been doing a lot of looking back recently because once again I have found myself at life’s crossroads, where all the signs are either broken or splayed with graffiti, preventing me from clearly seeing which way to go.
This blog began as I ended a ten year relationship with someone I lived with, owned a house with and loved very much. His actions and choices broke me as a person and for many months I tried to hold on to something that he had already given to someone else. I am still not over his betrayal and I don’t think I will ever be. It still hurts and it still makes me cry but I can think back to the person I had become whilst he sat of the fence eating a whole load of cake, and know that I will not be that person again or find myself in the same situation.
I met a very special person not long after who made me feel alive again, someone who encouraged me creatively and made me feel like a true princess. The reason, season, lifetime title of this blog was from our first conversation on New Year’s Eve 2008. Whether the relationship should have started then, I don’t know; we both had own our issues to deal with but somehow we were like two lost souls with and understanding and appreciation of how hard (and shit) life can be. We helped each other through harsh times, both making bad choices along the way and leaning on each other a little too much.
Being there for someone is hard work and I think it takes a particular, well trained person to be able to listen and support someone’s problems, issues or dramas without personally taking it on. I am someone that everyone likes to talk to – I am a good listener and I want to help, but over time, and every now and then I burst with other people’s pain, leaving myself very open and highlighting my own insecurities.
This time round though, I have had to be selfish and think of myself and what I want and what makes me happy, because honestly, I have not been happy for some time. Friends and family find this strange – they tell me to look at what I have: a great job, beautiful house, etc but these are nothing to me when I am feeling so low. It has been a very hard decision to step out and away from a relationship with someone who adores and loves me and breaking a heart in the process. I feel sad and I miss my friend, but I know that I need to look after myself and concentrate on what I want from life – take time to do the things that make me happy. We may have ended on a season but I hope that I have a lifetime friend.
So, what do I want? If only I knew. To be happy and free from worry would be a great start, and I think I am getting there. I am now comfortable with living on my own – I get lonely a lot and I get overwhelmed sometimes with the amount of effort it takes to keep a house going – and an old house at that! There is always a leak or something that needs fixing but I have a lot of people who I can call upon to help. And for days, and evenings when I am feeling alone, I have found solace in the world of Twitter- a comforting distraction full of like-minded, interesting and nice people.
Little steps every day is how I am moving forward, smiling every day and not worrying what others may or may not think. Slowly but surely I am getting there. I know that the future holds great happy times but at the moment, I am happy exploring the roads that lead from the crossroads.