Backbone of steel

I am a dreamer. I always have been and I always will be. I believe in romance, adventure, mystery and fun; all the components that make a good story. A story where dreams come true and there is always a happy ending; just like the ones my Nan used to tell me when I was little, where the little fairy was able to go to the ball after making a dress out of petals and silk and how Spiderman and Superman stopped the train from crashing down the mountain saving the world.

I have always been told I can do and achieve whatever I want to, that the world and life is for the taking and therefore it should be grabbed with both hands. That our dreams don’t have to be just dreams; if you work hard enough then they are always within reach. However, it is only now, I feel confident and able to do this, only now I can see the adventure ahead of me and the dream that I actually want.

I have had people in my life who have numbed the dreams, told me they are unrealistic and made me believe they want to share them with me, others have encouraged yet not followed through. We all fall into relationships and situations where dreams are compromised and stifled, and often by conforming to another’s dream or a fallacy of our own, we stifle the dreams of others and they become unrealistic.

I was in a relationship for ten years, we owned a house and lived in it together for 5 years. I thought I would marry him and I thought being with him, all my dreams had been and would be answered. We travelled to Canada and Thailand, because I love to travel and thought he did too. (He didn’t) We were old before our time, and soon enough we both we lost our dreams and fell into a rut, a comfortable rut, but one where neither of us would be totally happy and fulfilled.

Now I know he was never part of my adventure and that ending that relationship and letting him pursue his dream with his ‘bit on the side’ was the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t think back to our times now and I don’t feel the pain from what he did. I am better off.

Having watched Revolutionary Road recently I have an over-whelming sense of being aware of my dreams and never compromising what I want and who I want to be. Revolutionary Road is a powerful film about a family in the suburbs during the 1950’s. I could see myself as April Wheeler when I was in my relationship with S, wanting the house in the country, all very cute and quaint, playing happy times when actually I was screaming to explore – wanting to go here there and everywhere.

There was a great line in the film: ‘You need back bone to live the life you want’ I have a back bone and I know what I want and I know that I will get there eventually. The getting there is the adventure and the fun part.