As you do this time of year, I have been thinking back over the past year and reflecting on what has been and what hasn't.
If there was one thing to describe my year, it would have to be relationships. I am not just talking about the opposite sex type of relationships but those in general that you have with people.
To some degree, I feel I have been in a constant relationship - not with the same person but certainly with the same notion. All of the relationships haven't developed beyond the 3 - 4 month stage and I now know, that it wasn't just the other person with the 'issue' but it was me also. I have come to the conclusion that I am consciously/subconsciously choosing people, albeit there is the 'connection', who aren't actually ready or willing, or have a commitment issue. But, perhaps that is because I have one. Perhaps it is because, despite what I tell myself, I am not ready to settle and I have issues with the big C. It would make sense and I know the reason why, but when I tell myself (and others) that I am over what he did to me, do I mean it and will the thing that is needed in a relationship (the big T) ever come back?
This year I have had all the reasons - not suited, distance, timing, work commitments, rebound etc etc... Am I picking these for a reason? Do I actually mind the hurt and pain when another 'something' has to end? I now don't know.
It seems relationships are intensified through texting, Internet dating, social media etc and it is hard to then make them work in the real life (whatever that is!) But then if you don't make it real, are you always wondering 'what if'? So surely it is best to try?
Maybe this is where I have gone wrong.
I know though, if I looked at myself and the reasons why I can't commit, it would be the same - timing, work etc. Setting up a business has been the hardest thing I have done so far and I am not sure people truly understand. My work and constant working has changed relationships with my family and friends. I don't get to see people as often as I like and I often (well at least over the last month) have had to cancel plans to see people because of deadlines and working every hour.
My constant work has led to utter exhaustion and a burn out. Generally Sundays are the worst days (note the day of this post!!) and I think this is because I wind down slightly yet feel so tired to be able to do anything. I miss my friends deeply and I miss the relationships I had, perhaps they haven't changed and it is all just me and my thinking but when you work on your own all day, live on your own 24/7 your mind can take over. I am sure they understand but lately, my most loneliest times are when I am with them and with people; perhaps I have isolated myself. I don't know. I have tried to make effort and keep up with things but work and tiredness has meant I have forgotten things.
So, in an effort to re-align and balance my life I am going to set my new year resolution and aim for 2011 to be to get a healthy balance and to not choose for the sake of choosing - When it is right, it will be - and it will be worthwhile. And, to not let work become between me and the people I love the most.