Thinking back thinking of you

We all have songs that mean something to us; whether it be the lyrics, the melody or the memory that it evokes, reminding us of happier times or perhaps of the hard times and the fact that we have come so far. There are a few songs that remind me of particular times when decisions had to be made or had been made,and that when I listened to the lyrics I felt was being given a wake up call.

I heard one of the songs today and it didn't make me feel sad or low, it made me feel strong. I have been thinking of writing about these for a while so in my effort of being more organised and cracking on with the 'to-do list', here are three songs which mean something to me:

1. Dakota by Stereophonics
(Well there had to be one 'Phonics song!) As soon as I got the LSVO album, I fell in love with Dakota. At the time I was recovering from a very low period. I had been suffering from anxiety and stress following an infection I had picked up in Thailand. I lost all confidence in myself and simple things such as Christmas shopping with my mum in Decemeber 2004 would send me in to panic attacks with a fear of being in public. I underwent numerous tests and examinations as well as counselling and mentoring in an effort to get back to myself. By the time LSVO came out in February 2005, I was getting there. I remember wearing my candy pink mac and driving to a meeting with the Spring sun starting to show itself, snowdrops and daffodils beginning to show colour. I had the window open and was singing at the top of my lungs and I rememember feeling alive and strong and that things were getting better. And they did.




2. With Every HeartBeat by Robyn
This was more about the lyrics in particular: 'We can keep trying but things will never change.' In the summer of 2006, I found out that my boyfriend of 10 years and who I had bought a house with was cheating on me. My world fell apart. I didn't do what most do in that situation - kick him in the balls and throw him out, I didn't want to let go and couldn't, so for 18 months we spun around in a circle of continued lies and pain. Every time I knew they were still in touch I would leave or he would, but then the promises of making it work would come and we would try again. I lost count of the amout of times we tried. When this song came out, I felt that the lyrics were telling me what to do but I ignored and tried to get my world back, like Robyn sings 'Maybe we can make it alright' I was too scared to be alone. But, at the end of 2007 I couldn't take it anymore, I had reached a level of mental and phyisical exhaustion, I had wanted him to decided and pull his head out of his arse and do the right thing, he couldn't so I did and he left. From then on I focused on the lyrics: 'And I don't look back' and yes it did hurt with every step I took away from an old life to a new, but it made me stronger and I have never looked back since.



3. Broken Strings by James Morrison
Again, this was a telling song for me that a relationship couldn't continue, that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, that if trust is broken and if as individuals you are broken souls then no matter what you do, no matter how you hide and fill the cracks you can't make something better. When you know that you have done all you can, when you have remained true to yourself, if you know isn't right then you stand tall, be strong and walk away.



There are so many more but these make me stop and think about how I came through things. I know there is a song on the horizon to help me through this dip. Each day is a stronger one and as I get back to myself I know there will be a song to remind me that I did it.

Tired

Tired eyes with salty streams
Rivers of emotion
Hearts sink and hopes drown
Tides of pain
Vicious currents pull and push
words twist with deceit
Tired eyes with salty streams
is all I have

Sunday Spontaneity

This weekend has felt like a bit of a recovery and a step forward in getting back to myself.

I don't know whether it is the result of a positive past week, or perhaps the heart-felt conversations with friends last weekend, which although (at times) was hurtful and saddening, it was also a little kick up the backside and a reminder of the special people I have in my life. It could also be the chemically-induced stability of my thoughts and processing of information and emotions, or that spring is finally in the air and colour is starting to return to the outside world.

More than likely it is all of the above together that is making me feel stronger and lighter and that I am returning to being me. The weekend has been enjoyable because I feel like I have actually taken a weekend. Today I was spontaneous and drove to Swindon (well nearer Bristol) for coffee; a sign that I am getting back to myself and seizing opportunities, not being afraid - just living for the moment.

The next couple of weekends look to be the same and I can't wait. It is good to feel the excitement again instead of the stress and anxiety around work.

As a good friend pointed out to me yesterday. I have done more already in five months than what I set out to; I have smashed targets and exceeded expectations. The business has been a success, it is a success and will continue to do so.

But now, it is time for me to reclaim some of my life back.
The balance needs to be found and each day I feel I am getting there.

Competitions

Life is about the survival of the fittest. We all watch nature programmes where we see life having to fight to eat, drink and reproduce. It looks tough in the animal world but perhaps no tougher than ours. I am not suggesting that we are all going around ready to fight for food but life is about competition and being the best that you can in order to survive.

There is competition in business, having recently set up my own business I know that it is a cut-throat world where the bold win clients, reputations and success. Of course, there are ways in doing so. Winning respect and trust from a client is of most importance, it is about nurturing, delivering and exceeding expectations. That is how you grow a business. It isn't a quick win scenario but something that develops over time and what ensures that you survive the storms such as an economic downturn.

There is competition in love and in winning the heart of someone you care deeply about. Sometimes the competition becomes fierce. It turns people into spiteful, jealous beings who will up the stakes to ensure that they are the ones who receive first prize. Games within games start to be played with tactics then becoming about simply beating the other person and not about finding something amazing with someone, that thing that we call love.

I will fight for what I want and what I believe in but I will do it the correct manner. I will always keep the upper hand and know when enough is enough. You can only try so much but by nurturing, building trust and taking time, the opportunities continue to flourish and you survive; standing tall and feeling proud.

Fairytale tragedy

Is it the mountain that is my heart that one has to overcome to get to the castle that us my mind? Or is the mountain my mind that one has to fight through, killing demons to reach the castle that is my heart?

Either way, it will take a brave knight to fight my enemies, slay the dragons and rescue me.