Getting it off my chest

I am having a 'life is unfair' and a 'why me' moment.

I have been trying to be upbeat and positive about Derek the stupid f***king cyst for the last 8 weeks, keeping my head above the water, cracking on with work and remaining strong. But now I am feeling angry, upset and extremely fed up and wondering when I will actually get a break from the crap that life keeps on throwing at me. I get described as resilient a lot, yes I bounce back, I keep going and I will work hard to get things done and to achieve what I want to, but every now and then, I just want a break and I want to be able to sit back and have a head full of nothing other than the positive and lovely things that are happening in my world. Don't get me wrong, there are lovely things happening but at the moment, they are over-shadowed by my ever-increasing stomach.

I am uncomfortable, in pain, my legs hurt with shooting pains, I am tired and I am absolutely shitting myself about the operation. Three weeks ago, I was at a 40% chance of having ovarian cancer… and told I could end up having a hysterectomy.

Yeah life goes on and I WILL be ok but I am scared, I don't want either of those things but I am fearing and preparing for the worse. So another two weeks of waiting and thinking about it all is going to be hard.

I am so upset that I won't make the Isle of Wight Festival, I have been looking forward to it for months now - being there and hanging out with some amazing friends (most of which are all thanks to Twitter) and seeing my sister at her first festival. I wanted to be singing to the Kings of Leon as the Sun went down, drinking beer and sharing laughs and experiences with my friends.

Instead I will be in a hospital bed with tubes and wires and a lovely big scar drinking crap tea and eating mush.

I will stop moaning now. I have spent a good couple of hours sobbing and feeling sorry for myself.

I now have it out of my system and I will focus and look forward to having a healthy summer. I might just have to have a mini-festival in my garden. I do know that I will be having some lovely trips away and I will be organising a big party in August as a 'goodbye/good riddance Derek - 1st birthday of my business - thank you to all my friends & family for support over the last 12 monist' party.

Now that IS something to look forward to.

And @ljattrill, @CarlTheGeek, @TheLongTallAlly, @SisterLedge, @DiaryofaLedger and all the other twitter friends who are going... think of me when this is played please..

The Courteeners - Take Over The World

A picture says a thousand words

And in all of these, I was holding my stomach in...

Sunsets

The end of the earth was happening as we hit the motorway. The sky to the west flaming with vibrant yellows, pinks and burnt oranges. The clouds disguised as smoke as the sun set fire to the horizon.

We headed north on an adventure, leaving the doubt to burn with the sun.

The next step

This morning I have been to see Mr Metcalf at Princess Anne hospital to talk and discuss the next steps of Derek's life inside me. I didn't know what to expect so hadn't really prepared myself or thought of any questions. Mum came with me, as did my lovely friend Peta who is in her 3rd year of medical school; I am so glad she came.

I was first seen by one of the consultants who basically said I was having to make a choice - whether I wanted a hysterectomy to remove it all or to do it in stages. I wasn't prepared for that. He asked me my age to which I replied "29", to which Peta responded "No you're not", I have no idea why I said 29; I am 31 but it broke the ice a little and we all had a giggle at my nervous stupidity.

I said that I do want children and that I would like every chance so for the procedure to be done in stages. I didn't like him, he seemed to not know much and scared me. I talked to the cancer support person from Winchester who sits in on all consultations. She gave me her card and said I can call anytime with any concerns.

We were then taken to see 'the Boss Man', Mr Metcalf who will be doing the procedure. Again, we talked about wanting children and whether I give him permission and will trust his judgement if he opens me up and feels that both ovaries and my uterus should be removed. If I had thought I would be asked these questions, I would have given it more thought. But as my mum said, my health comes first.

Mr Metcalf had a feel Derek and we discussed that it *could* be endometriosis as many of the symptoms are the same. But, he won't know this until they see it. So the plan is that if will get is colleague - Adam Moors who is a specialist in endometriosis to be with him when I go into surgery (lucky me I get two surgeons!!) I will have a lapraoscopy with a camera to see if it endometriosis, if it is Mr Moors will continue with the procedure and if it isn't then Mr Metcalf will take over, open me up and remove Derek who has eaten my right ovary. If the left side is looking troublesome, he will not remove but will wake me up first so that I can discuss fertility options - harvesting eggs etc and I will then go back to have the rest removed.

All a lot to take in. If it isn't endometriosis (en - do - meat tree - oh -sis, for the purpose of my mum who can't say it properly) then the risk of it not being malignant is 60 / 40. The odds are still pretty close and we got the impression that they still have no real idea as to what it is.

At least I have a date to work towards which means I can plan work, get my hair cut (because I want to look my best) and fill myself with positive vibes. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it is endometriosis but I won't know until I come round from the anesthetic and whether find a scar or not.

Silence

Another Friday and another call from the hospital.

I am still an 'uncertain' and a 'borderline' case.

It is easy to deal with when I have something to take my mind off things, when there are friends who keep me busy so I don't have to think.

But when they go home and the silence surrounds; I think.

The what ifs, the maybes and the what will I do thoughts consume

All I can think is that in life, there should be no regrets.