Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Getting it off my chest

I am having a 'life is unfair' and a 'why me' moment.

I have been trying to be upbeat and positive about Derek the stupid f***king cyst for the last 8 weeks, keeping my head above the water, cracking on with work and remaining strong. But now I am feeling angry, upset and extremely fed up and wondering when I will actually get a break from the crap that life keeps on throwing at me. I get described as resilient a lot, yes I bounce back, I keep going and I will work hard to get things done and to achieve what I want to, but every now and then, I just want a break and I want to be able to sit back and have a head full of nothing other than the positive and lovely things that are happening in my world. Don't get me wrong, there are lovely things happening but at the moment, they are over-shadowed by my ever-increasing stomach.

I am uncomfortable, in pain, my legs hurt with shooting pains, I am tired and I am absolutely shitting myself about the operation. Three weeks ago, I was at a 40% chance of having ovarian cancer… and told I could end up having a hysterectomy.

Yeah life goes on and I WILL be ok but I am scared, I don't want either of those things but I am fearing and preparing for the worse. So another two weeks of waiting and thinking about it all is going to be hard.

I am so upset that I won't make the Isle of Wight Festival, I have been looking forward to it for months now - being there and hanging out with some amazing friends (most of which are all thanks to Twitter) and seeing my sister at her first festival. I wanted to be singing to the Kings of Leon as the Sun went down, drinking beer and sharing laughs and experiences with my friends.

Instead I will be in a hospital bed with tubes and wires and a lovely big scar drinking crap tea and eating mush.

I will stop moaning now. I have spent a good couple of hours sobbing and feeling sorry for myself.

I now have it out of my system and I will focus and look forward to having a healthy summer. I might just have to have a mini-festival in my garden. I do know that I will be having some lovely trips away and I will be organising a big party in August as a 'goodbye/good riddance Derek - 1st birthday of my business - thank you to all my friends & family for support over the last 12 monist' party.

Now that IS something to look forward to.

And @ljattrill, @CarlTheGeek, @TheLongTallAlly, @SisterLedge, @DiaryofaLedger and all the other twitter friends who are going... think of me when this is played please..


4 comments:

KendallJaye said...

Sending you the warmest thoughts and much love. It would be presumptuous to say I know how you're feeling, so I'll instead say that I understand much of what you're saying due to my own experiences. Know that you are loved and have more people on your team than you realize. :)

-KJC

catherine said...

Proud to know you, sister.

Leafybear said...

Oh Jo you wouldn't be human if you didn't go through such stages - now come on where's the English bulldog spirit x hugs to you honey, I empathise x

Jo said...

Thank you all you lovely ladies, you have all warmed me cockles.

Yesterday was just a bad day - onwards and upwards and yes Leafybear - with that English bulldog spirit

Woof! xx