Right now

Right now I want to pick up my phone

and message;

I love you.

Because I still do.

Deeply. 

I have no idea why. 

Even after all these months.

My heart rules my mind

my heart still loves you.

I have been thinking of days driving across the country to see you. The excitement, the adrenaline and anticipation of seeing you at your door. Your eyes. Oh, those eyes. Your kiss, which had waiting for weeks to touch mine. The need and want of our skin dancing under each other's touch.

I stood on your doorstep today. You looked at home. But all I could think about was stepping in and holding you.

I have been thinking about lazy mornings that could have been and the difference it would have made.  Like the early days.

You come to my door. I want to invite you in. I want to know how you are. I am interested in your training. I want to know how you are feeling about your challenge, do you feel ready.
I want to know if you are happy. If you think of me and if so, what do you think?
Are you angry with me... do you regret us?

I dream of days laying in fields with you, cuddling by a river, dancing in open spaces as the sunsets. I dream of our adventure being the one WE dreamed.

Right now I want to tell you so much. 

I want to see you laugh. 

I want to make you smile. 

I want to love you. 

Grief

Today my heart feels incredibly heavy.  I have a physiological response to you not being here.
I wonder if this is just the feeling of grief. The grief of losing someone who is still alive and who I long to hold and desperate to have a conversation with.
I can think of nothing other than how much I miss. My heart is constantly sending reminders which my mind can then not let go of. I am scared of losing my memories, and a time when I can no longer remember the softness of your lips, the feel of your skin, your smell and sound of your laugh. It is breaking me.

This weekend was hard. I said 'Happy Birthday' because I will not stop caring. Why should I change the kindness I have?

I've a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Both twisting at what I think might be. At the coincidences that appear.

I miss you so so much.

A beautiful feeling

Slowly and gradually, you are disappearing.
At first I needed to surround myself with you - your face, your smell, the little things.
It was almost as though I needed to make my heart hurt even more. I punished myself with keeping you close.
It still hurts. I still miss you. I miss our skin meeting, touching. I miss the warmth of you and I miss your smile. But the smile of years gone by. The smile that made my heart melt. I still love you and I think I always will. You gave me everything I had ever wanted. You.
But then you also took it way.
Slowly, you are taking less space in my heart and you are no longer a full time tenant in my mind.
I have taken down the photos. I have packed away little reminders that you loved me once.
This week I had a moment of feeling immense happiness. The sun was shining, I was breathing the spring air and I know I have all that I need.
I felt gratitude for the life I have. I am starting to love life again.
And it is beautiful feeling.