Letters of mistrust

To Him,

I loved you. Hand on heart I loved you like I have never loved another.
Even to the end. I fought, I changed and I denied myself of who I am meant to be. For you.

Yet you lied. More than once, more than a dozen times. You lied to my face, whilst looking into my eyes. You lied to my heart when I asked you to swear on your daughters.

If you were to look in my eyes and ask me, you'd know the truth. And deep down you do know, it was never me. Yes I could have done better - but that is life and we always should be striving to do better. But you know none of the things you have painted of me, are true. And that is something you will always have shame for.

To Her,

Utterly disappointed in the human that you are. You were my friend; I considered you my closest friend in a new place and I told you everything.

You used that against me.  You have used my words, twisted my pain and moulded emotion into a truth that suits you and your story. A truth that covers up what you have done and what you are still doing, as something that is ok.

It isn't.  Far from it.

You comforted me, you were there with biscuits, tea, hugs and words of love, friendship and motivation.
And then later that night, or the following weekend, you'd be off meeting with him.
So many coincidences of him knowing things. So may coincidences of you being in places.

How dare you take my happy ever after away.  That is not what friends do.

You lied to my face and made lies about me to cover your own shame.

And worst of all, how dare you break my little girl's heart.

To you both,

Leopards never change their spots.

Patterns repeat.

Karma is a bitch.

You've broken several hearts, some of which are too small and pure to understand but one day they will.

People respect those who tell the truth. You will never understand the damage you have done.

Bedtime brain dumping

I’ve pushed boundaries today. I replaced fear with excitement  and I did it anyway. 

There was no fear of judgment and I felt free. 

But that was because my hand was held.

I’m not sure how I feel and I’m trying to make sense of what is swirling in my mind. I’m asking the questions, “what is it I need to know from this?” and “what does this feeling tell me?”

Is it fear of what’s next? I don’t think so.

Is it regret? Definitely not - I don’t do those.

Is it guilt? perhaps but I don’t know why. Or do I? 

Is it sadness? No but it feels close to that. It’s more of a longing. That something today felt so much like something used to. And I miss it. I was teased with what I crave. But left wanting something different.

Is it hurt? Yes. I still feel the hurt and pain. I am still haunted by dreams - with my most recent last night which resulted in me shouting out in my sleep and crying. My dream of double betrayal is going to haunt me for a while. 

I feel stuck. Part of me knowing that what I crave can’t be. Because there’s someone more important, and whose needs come first. Will it always be like this?  Am I just to accept that little and not so often is how it is. And that consistency never comes when there is too much time. 

One thing I know, is that this isn’t about how I feel about myself.

That’s one part I’ve nailed. 

Why is this time different? Because I was not in control. 

That’s it. What I’m feeling is a little derailed and not in control. Logic is not involved. 

It’s that area of grey and the various shades of.