Bedtime brain dumping

I’ve pushed boundaries today. I replaced fear with excitement  and I did it anyway. 

There was no fear of judgment and I felt free. 

But that was because my hand was held.

I’m not sure how I feel and I’m trying to make sense of what is swirling in my mind. I’m asking the questions, “what is it I need to know from this?” and “what does this feeling tell me?”

Is it fear of what’s next? I don’t think so.

Is it regret? Definitely not - I don’t do those.

Is it guilt? perhaps but I don’t know why. Or do I? 

Is it sadness? No but it feels close to that. It’s more of a longing. That something today felt so much like something used to. And I miss it. I was teased with what I crave. But left wanting something different.

Is it hurt? Yes. I still feel the hurt and pain. I am still haunted by dreams - with my most recent last night which resulted in me shouting out in my sleep and crying. My dream of double betrayal is going to haunt me for a while. 

I feel stuck. Part of me knowing that what I crave can’t be. Because there’s someone more important, and whose needs come first. Will it always be like this?  Am I just to accept that little and not so often is how it is. And that consistency never comes when there is too much time. 

One thing I know, is that this isn’t about how I feel about myself.

That’s one part I’ve nailed. 

Why is this time different? Because I was not in control. 

That’s it. What I’m feeling is a little derailed and not in control. Logic is not involved. 

It’s that area of grey and the various shades of.