There was no fear of judgment and I felt free.
But that was because my hand was held.
I’m not sure how I feel and I’m trying to make sense of what is swirling in my mind. I’m asking the questions, “what is it I need to know from this?” and “what does this feeling tell me?”
Is it fear of what’s next? I don’t think so.
Is it regret? Definitely not - I don’t do those.
Is it guilt? perhaps but I don’t know why. Or do I?
Is it sadness? No but it feels close to that. It’s more of a longing. That something today felt so much like something used to. And I miss it. I was teased with what I crave. But left wanting something different.
Is it hurt? Yes. I still feel the hurt and pain. I am still haunted by dreams - with my most recent last night which resulted in me shouting out in my sleep and crying. My dream of double betrayal is going to haunt me for a while.
I feel stuck. Part of me knowing that what I crave can’t be. Because there’s someone more important, and whose needs come first. Will it always be like this? Am I just to accept that little and not so often is how it is. And that consistency never comes when there is too much time.
One thing I know, is that this isn’t about how I feel about myself.
That’s one part I’ve nailed.
Why is this time different? Because I was not in control.
That’s it. What I’m feeling is a little derailed and not in control. Logic is not involved.
It’s that area of grey and the various shades of.
