with love there comes frustration
Today is not a good day.
Frustration on so many levels; I don't want to wait and be patient.
I want to be able to be free of the burden and able to say how it really feels.
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Waiting in their hands
Today I sat in yet another waiting room, waiting for another scan and test. It appears that every week I have a new thing to experience within the realms of the hospital. It has been nearly five weeks since I first found the lump AKA Derek and although that seems a while ago now, everything does seem to be happening as quite quickly.
I have had an ultra sound, internal examination, MRI scan and a CT scan. Surely that is enough for the the doctors to know exactly what Derek is and the best way to remove him; but it appears not.
On Friday, my case will be discussed at an MDT (a multi-disciplinary meeting) where they will decide what I have done, my risk factor and how it will be dealt with, and of course, where I go to have it done. The consultant called me last Monday to go through what needed to happen next. At that stage, the MRI scan still hadn't given them enough information so the CT scan was being booked. I tried to take everything in as she talked about the type of cyst and that it was complicated and that I would have to lose my right ovary. Because Derek is so big (the size of a melon) they can't quite see my left ovary so that is uncertain at the moment. But, she has reassured me that they know I am young and have not had children yet so will do everything they can. She also talked about pre-cancerous changes, raised hormone levels and the surgery.
It was all very scary and saddening and still is.
My thoughts drift between positive and the slightly morbid, there is no level ground. I am noticing children, families and couples a lot more; wondering whether I will get to have that or whether it just isn't meant to be. All the things I have wanted the most for a long time feel to be in the hands of a group of doctors and there isn't much I can do but sit it out and wait.
I would be lying to say I wasn't worried or scared but I am very thankful for my lovely family and friends, both in real life and those online in Twitterland. I know the support is there and that I will be OK with lots of people holding my hand.
For now, I am focusing on the business, trying to get ahead of myself for when I have to spend time in hospital and trying to get as much rest and sleep as possible so recovery can be as quick as possible.
After all, I have a festival to go to in June!
Thanks everyone x
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Darkness
you live in the shadows
always knowing
never known
surrounded by hope
yet consumed with fate
every twist and turn
forced contemplation
of future stories
and tales to tell
the happy ending
yours to take
all I ask
is to give me time
always knowing
never known
surrounded by hope
yet consumed with fate
every twist and turn
forced contemplation
of future stories
and tales to tell
the happy ending
yours to take
all I ask
is to give me time
Sunday, 10 April 2011
These words are mine
With my words
I can never tell
the truth behind
what is felt
Twist and turn
my fierce temptation
to pour and spill
then crash and burn
Take what you will
from the style of
my expression
fluid and never still
Words appear
for no-one but me
the reason and truth
are for me to fear
I can never tell
the truth behind
what is felt
Twist and turn
my fierce temptation
to pour and spill
then crash and burn
Take what you will
from the style of
my expression
fluid and never still
Words appear
for no-one but me
the reason and truth
are for me to fear
Sunday, 3 April 2011
The truth about Derek
My life seems to be a constant roller-coaster. There never seems to be a period of calm and of constant well being and satisfaction, there always seems to be 'something' going on.
Just as I was starting to come out of the big dip and loop-the-loop, feeling more positive and in control of work, relationships and life, the track has shifted and I am approaching another scary section of the ride.
Last Tuesday in Pilates, when lying on my stomach attempting to do an exercise, I noticed a hard lump in my stomach. At first I though I was lying on one of the jelly type balls we use or that my top was scrunched up under me. There was nothing there yet it felt like I was lying on something. I was very uncomfortable and very worried; all manner of things crossed my mind as I felt how hard my stomach had become and the shape of the random mass.
I arranged an appointment with my doctor on Thursday who seemed equally as baffled but referred me for an urgent ultrasound. Always reassuring when in a doctors room and he is frantically writing URGENT and underlining it several times on a referral fax.
Luckily there was a cancellation on Friday and I could whiz up to the hospital for a scan but not before drinking a litre of water. I have never been so desperate to pee and with the appointment running late, I was fit to burst to the extent that I could hardly walk or talk. The lovely Lucy was an absolute star in trying to take my mind of the fact I was about to wet myself... in actual fact, I think I agreed to join the WI!
The ultrasound revealed what they think is an ovarian cyst and at 20cm wide, it is not a small bugger. I cried. The thought of having something that big inside of me was a shock. So many questions flew through my mind but none that could really be answered.
So, the next dip is the fact that I will have to have an operation to remove the cyst, which I have named Derek... perhaps a bit wrong and sick, but hey! I need to make light of it - it is the way I deal with things. Besides, my friend told me that sometimes cysts grow teeth and hair, which is WRONG, so I have an image of a little Pac Man inside me, it felt right to name it. (Why on earth she told me that - I have no idea!!)
This is going to mean time off from work which is going to be a challenge especially when everything is picking up again with new projects and I need to jump on some opportunities. But, health DOES come first and I will just have to do what I can, when I can. Am certainly going to have to work hard this coming week to get as much off the ground and ready as possible.
Just another thing to deal with but I have lots of lovely family and friends to help me out and keep me positive.
Just as I was starting to come out of the big dip and loop-the-loop, feeling more positive and in control of work, relationships and life, the track has shifted and I am approaching another scary section of the ride.
Last Tuesday in Pilates, when lying on my stomach attempting to do an exercise, I noticed a hard lump in my stomach. At first I though I was lying on one of the jelly type balls we use or that my top was scrunched up under me. There was nothing there yet it felt like I was lying on something. I was very uncomfortable and very worried; all manner of things crossed my mind as I felt how hard my stomach had become and the shape of the random mass.
I arranged an appointment with my doctor on Thursday who seemed equally as baffled but referred me for an urgent ultrasound. Always reassuring when in a doctors room and he is frantically writing URGENT and underlining it several times on a referral fax.
Luckily there was a cancellation on Friday and I could whiz up to the hospital for a scan but not before drinking a litre of water. I have never been so desperate to pee and with the appointment running late, I was fit to burst to the extent that I could hardly walk or talk. The lovely Lucy was an absolute star in trying to take my mind of the fact I was about to wet myself... in actual fact, I think I agreed to join the WI!
The ultrasound revealed what they think is an ovarian cyst and at 20cm wide, it is not a small bugger. I cried. The thought of having something that big inside of me was a shock. So many questions flew through my mind but none that could really be answered.
So, the next dip is the fact that I will have to have an operation to remove the cyst, which I have named Derek... perhaps a bit wrong and sick, but hey! I need to make light of it - it is the way I deal with things. Besides, my friend told me that sometimes cysts grow teeth and hair, which is WRONG, so I have an image of a little Pac Man inside me, it felt right to name it. (Why on earth she told me that - I have no idea!!)
This is going to mean time off from work which is going to be a challenge especially when everything is picking up again with new projects and I need to jump on some opportunities. But, health DOES come first and I will just have to do what I can, when I can. Am certainly going to have to work hard this coming week to get as much off the ground and ready as possible.
Just another thing to deal with but I have lots of lovely family and friends to help me out and keep me positive.
Monday, 28 March 2011
Time will wait
Time is a funny thing. We own it yet we give it away without thinking. We live our lives at the mercy of time, always having to be here there and everywhere.
It occurred to me, or rather it was pointed out to me on Friday that I am not bothered by the time.
I always used to be. I used to panic and become so stressed if I was late. If we (as in the ex and I) had to be somewhere at a certain time - even if it was just chilled drinks with friends, I would precision plan so we were there dot on time. However, we never were, and despite the stresses and planning, we were always late.
Our house, which is now my house was covered with clocks. Every room had one that ticked and chimed. We have weather stations with digital clocks in the bedroom, spare room and lounge. The ex would ensure that the clocks were accurate to the second, often dialling the speaking clock to get it right.
On Friday, I hosted a comedy night with the lovely Grant Sharkey on his Calm Down tour - basically he is going to people's living rooms and performing comedy. It was fab and I loved having all the girls over, cooking for the masses, drinking and having a giggle. As well as Grant, we had Simon, The Mentalist who confused and baffled the hell out of us with his tricks and mind reading. It was Simon who pointed the time thing out to me by saying: 'Do you realise that not one of your clocks in your house has the right time?'
I stood and thought; he was right. At the time he was stood in front of the oven which has a clock and the microwave is above it. Both clocks tell different wrong times. The only remaining 'tick tock... Ding dong' clock which the ex was kind enough to leave behind hasn't been wound up for months and is set on 2.40... Am or pm, I will never know. I also don't wear a watch. My bedroom does not have a clock and the clock in my car is wrong.
The only objects I have with the correct time is my phone and computer.
Yet, I am so efficient with my time and I am hardly ever late. I take the attitude of 'I will be there when I get there' and I generally am on time (I have a few friends who may disagree!)
I refuse to let time stress me out. Things happen as they are meant to and when they are meant to. By busting a gut to be there early isn't going to speed things along.
And if the clocks go back or forward and you wake not having the foggiest at what the time is, do what I did and ask Twitter (and then call my mum to double check)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
It occurred to me, or rather it was pointed out to me on Friday that I am not bothered by the time.
I always used to be. I used to panic and become so stressed if I was late. If we (as in the ex and I) had to be somewhere at a certain time - even if it was just chilled drinks with friends, I would precision plan so we were there dot on time. However, we never were, and despite the stresses and planning, we were always late.
Our house, which is now my house was covered with clocks. Every room had one that ticked and chimed. We have weather stations with digital clocks in the bedroom, spare room and lounge. The ex would ensure that the clocks were accurate to the second, often dialling the speaking clock to get it right.
On Friday, I hosted a comedy night with the lovely Grant Sharkey on his Calm Down tour - basically he is going to people's living rooms and performing comedy. It was fab and I loved having all the girls over, cooking for the masses, drinking and having a giggle. As well as Grant, we had Simon, The Mentalist who confused and baffled the hell out of us with his tricks and mind reading. It was Simon who pointed the time thing out to me by saying: 'Do you realise that not one of your clocks in your house has the right time?'
I stood and thought; he was right. At the time he was stood in front of the oven which has a clock and the microwave is above it. Both clocks tell different wrong times. The only remaining 'tick tock... Ding dong' clock which the ex was kind enough to leave behind hasn't been wound up for months and is set on 2.40... Am or pm, I will never know. I also don't wear a watch. My bedroom does not have a clock and the clock in my car is wrong.
The only objects I have with the correct time is my phone and computer.
Yet, I am so efficient with my time and I am hardly ever late. I take the attitude of 'I will be there when I get there' and I generally am on time (I have a few friends who may disagree!)
I refuse to let time stress me out. Things happen as they are meant to and when they are meant to. By busting a gut to be there early isn't going to speed things along.
And if the clocks go back or forward and you wake not having the foggiest at what the time is, do what I did and ask Twitter (and then call my mum to double check)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, 20 March 2011
The Roots of Me
This weekend has been a good one. I have done all the things that I love doing and which make me who I am. Another sign that things are falling back into place and I am getting there. Here is how I have spent the weekend:
I also did things that a while ago, and even a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been bothered to do. Little things that were overwhelming me, I have cracked on and got it sorted. I changed a plug - the first time I have ever done that and instead of running to someone else and claiming my inability and uselessness, I had a go and did it. And when the flymo started, I might have done a little victory dance.
And then I thought about needing someone else and how things had changed. A few years ago I had someone else in my life who would fix things, cut the grass, tidy the garage, wash cars etc. Now I do it all and although there is still a lot more I could do, I feel quite proud of myself for doing and coping as I do.
I was thinking all this whilst taking a breather in the garden and I thought about how life is like a garden. Sometimes we plant seeds, we water and look after them in hope that they will grow into something beautiful. Sometimes they don't and sometimes they get so far, perhaps a few shoots and then something out of our control affects them and they fade. We never know why, we just accept it and try again, but the next time changing the variables to give it the best possible chance. Sometimes we plant shrubs and perennials which start as pretty blooms to give colour and zest. They are meant to withstand and they are meant to return year on year but not all of them do. Sometimes the environment just isn't good enough to keep them flourishing.
We are forever pruning and cutting back but sometimes not hard enough. We are just taking the tips and ends off which is ok for a while but it can promote growth in the wrong direction with new shoots left, right and centre. We need to not be scared and be more ruthless to cut back hard. Let what is underneath breathe and see the sunlight so that new life can grow from the core.
When all the old and dead has gone from the previous season and new shoots start to encourage colour, we all feel lighter, brighter and can enjoy the space much better. Every season we learn something new and there is always tendering that can be done.
- Having Flossy over to stay, the banter and giggles and then being reminded about my individuality or what she describes as 'poor dress sense'.
- Coffee in the sunshine of a gorgeous new coffee house in town where I adore the owners and where I will be spending many Saturdays reading the papers and supping coffee.
- Giving my mum a bunch of flowers and seeing her smile and reminded that she is special.
- Baking cakes for friends to enjoy over a cuppa and a overdue natter.
- Pottering about the house, tidying, faffing, moving things, cleaning and generally being a bit houseproud.
- Spending hours gardening and seeing Spring take over the borders.
- Chinese takeaway with Nanny C and a good natter.
I also did things that a while ago, and even a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been bothered to do. Little things that were overwhelming me, I have cracked on and got it sorted. I changed a plug - the first time I have ever done that and instead of running to someone else and claiming my inability and uselessness, I had a go and did it. And when the flymo started, I might have done a little victory dance.
And then I thought about needing someone else and how things had changed. A few years ago I had someone else in my life who would fix things, cut the grass, tidy the garage, wash cars etc. Now I do it all and although there is still a lot more I could do, I feel quite proud of myself for doing and coping as I do.
I was thinking all this whilst taking a breather in the garden and I thought about how life is like a garden. Sometimes we plant seeds, we water and look after them in hope that they will grow into something beautiful. Sometimes they don't and sometimes they get so far, perhaps a few shoots and then something out of our control affects them and they fade. We never know why, we just accept it and try again, but the next time changing the variables to give it the best possible chance. Sometimes we plant shrubs and perennials which start as pretty blooms to give colour and zest. They are meant to withstand and they are meant to return year on year but not all of them do. Sometimes the environment just isn't good enough to keep them flourishing.
We are forever pruning and cutting back but sometimes not hard enough. We are just taking the tips and ends off which is ok for a while but it can promote growth in the wrong direction with new shoots left, right and centre. We need to not be scared and be more ruthless to cut back hard. Let what is underneath breathe and see the sunlight so that new life can grow from the core.
When all the old and dead has gone from the previous season and new shoots start to encourage colour, we all feel lighter, brighter and can enjoy the space much better. Every season we learn something new and there is always tendering that can be done.
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