This week I took a time machine. Not intentionally but I stepped in, the doors closed and before I knew it I was feeling something I hadn't felt for nearly four years.
That feeling was the hurt you feel when you know someone is not being honest.
Back then, I spent 18months searching for clues (and finding them) checking things that didn't belong to me and obsessing about knowing everything. I became a tracker and I hunted.
When I was on the wrong track I felt it as strong as it did when I was on the right one. Sometimes nothing had to happen but I knew, deep down that somewhere a particular someone was having more fun than they were meant to me.
The clues lead to truth. Truth about a situation and truth about yourself. You learn not to take 'no' as an answer and you push and push for an answer until it eventually comes out with no sense of remorse, you wish that you could shove it back into the gap it fell from. You wish that they would choke on it. You wish that maybe, if you hadn't asked and set out on this course of of self-destruct then it wouldn't all actually be happening , that maybe you HAD got it wrong.
But I wasn't wrong. I was very right and I knew it.
I still have tracker mode set and this causes issues with trust. Something that I know, for a long time, I will never fully be able to give. The feeling that you are made to feel the world, a best friend and someone wanted for life, and then to know it has been repeated and duplicated else where is soul destroying.
I am in a better place to deal with this now, and although I time travelled through feelings, I know that I don't have to be part of it.
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