Weekend Walkies

On Saturday, despite having a list as long as my arm of things to do around the house and garden, I took advantage of the break in miserable weather and went for a walk with my mum and brothers. Slightly miffed at their concerns when we parked the cars and the questions as to whether I was feeling alright (apparently I only ask for walkies when I am depressed!) which I guess over the summer months might have been true. Many a time, I spent a Sunday afternoon walking up hills, waiting for our little 'rest stop' before bursting into tears and confessing all to my mum who was always at the ready with tissues and hugs, whilst Lucy the dog was ready with a big stick covered in drool that didn't quite fit as she charged between us.

This time though, there was none of the above because I have nothing to feel down or sad about. Life is pretty good, I am happy and it shows.

We walked for a few hours and found this tree. It looks lonely but sinister. I like it. I think there is a story somewhere.

Finding the words

I have lost my voice
the words are there
but I write
erase
I have little choice

does that mean
my past is forgotten
that I no longer
feel
what I have seen

some other time
another life
where perfection
disguised
to never be mine

new empathy of face
feels natural
and safe
tenderness
promised with every embrace

take as you will
no borrowed words
a silent
promise
and no standing still

Poppy tears

Yesterday I sat at my desk and burst into tears. The two minute silence had just finished, tweets were coming through on twitter with kind words of remembrance for the brave souls and a song came onto the radio that made my hairs stand on end as my eyes prickle.

I felt so desperately sad, not only for those that have lost their lives in wars – both the distant past and the recent weeks but also for those soldiers and ex soldiers who continue on. My thoughts went to an ex soldier who although alive, has lost his life through so many ways. War destroyed his soul and spirit and led him down troubled paths. It has and is taking years for those demons to be put to bed. I don’t think they will ever truly disappear; there will always be the memories of the sights and sounds of war. I also thought of my friend’s partner who at 27 joined the army this year and who is set to go on a tour of duty in spring. I hope he will be ok; the scars that he may return with scare me.

I also thought of someone else who I can see is broken and who has stopped his heart from believing in something that he started, something that he has grown and developed. Times have been very hard and instead of sharing, he has buried his head in the sand and prayed that all will be well. It isn’t well and it won’t be. All I can do is motivate and try to empower him with some faith in what he and his team believe in and the skills and talents they have. I only hope his grasp hasn’t let go completely.

Then there was my brother, who is the most caring, gentle, loving gentleman I know but who never seems to find himself in an easy relationship. His fiancé had ended their relationship leaving him distraught and lost. When he falls in love, he falls hard, deep and fast and after a number of long relationships that have followed a similar path, all we want is for him to find his ‘one’ and not someone who demands so much of his time and who takes advantage of his good nature.

My tears were interrupted by a fire drill, so wiping my eyes and grabbing my things, I made my way to the check point in the park where I stood and thought: All I can do is continue to be me, to keep growing and to provide the helping hand, the cuddles and the support to help them through these not so bright times.

Little White Lines

I said my last line as you took yours

together we read a story

a reflection

of times gone by

naive

to believe it was past

now you face your demons

the story becomes your own

I am just the reader

Turning 30 and loving it!

Well, I made it. I turned 30 and not only does it feel great and as though I have turned a corner. Everything suddenly seems so perfect and as it should be, which makes me smile.
I’ve had a great birthday weekend and feel touched by my family and friends who have made it special, from my Nan who gave me a beautiful string of pearls with a poem entitled ‘Grandma’s pearls of wisdom’ to my friends who cooked a special dinner and yesterday’s fun in London a memorable girlie day.

I wrote this post: Things to do before I reach 30 back in March when I was less than comfortable with the notion of leaving my twenties, I tried to categorise myself and in an effort add excitement and adventure to my life; I made a list of things to achieve before my birthday which looking back over now, it seems that some of them were a little ambitious and others a little dull. I can’t say that I have achieved them all, not even half but I think I have some pretty good reasons (or excuses if you want to look at it like that) here goes:

1) Skydive – As the biggest challenge to achieve I made sure that I did it (thought that if I did the biggest it would excuse all other failures!) I completed my skydive on the 20th September and it was the most amazing experience of my life. I wasn’t so much nervous whilst sat at the airfield, but more anxious due to the waiting around. Once I had my suit on (including fetching hat) and had a run through of the training, I was ready to go. I was the first to jump from the plane at 14,000ft (which took 15 mins to reach) When the doors opened and we shuffled to the edge of the plane so that I was dangling out the door, legs tucked under the plane as instructor Dave sat on the edge, I thought to myself how I must be mad and then, we fell and tumbled above the clouds freefalling at 125mph for 45 seconds. It was awesome. It didn’t feel as though we were falling because of the pressure against us but when I looked down to the clouds and ground it was all very real. After the parachute opened, the silence and beauty of the ground below was more breathtaking than the fall. I won’t forget that silence. We did a few spiral turns in the sky before coming into land with a bit of a bump. It was the most fantastic experience and I would do it again and again.
I raised over £600 for Zimele UK which was fantastic so thank you to all those that supported and sponsored me, the donations that came from my Twitter friends who which I have never met in person was overwhelming. My skydive can be watched here and I have some photos here

2) Zorbing - The ball never got rolling for this one. Perhaps next summer.
3) IOW Festival - It all got too confusing and expensive.
4) & 5) Ride a horse/get over fear - Horses still aren’t my favourite friends.
6) Watch live Jazz – not yet but this will happen soon.
7) Make a patchwork quilt – I am the proud owner of a beautiful handmade quilt but I have to be honest and sat that my mum did most of it. She got carried away and I let her. I did complete one full line of stitching though.

8) Visit London Dungeons – We did this as part of my birthday weekend and it was so much fun. Loved the characters and little surprises, highlights were sitting in the dark in Sweeny Todd’s chair and the ‘drop’ at the end!! So much fun!
9) Get a pet – Seriously! What was I thinking, I failed to look after my tomatoes this year (my mum told me off for not feeding and watering!) so having a rabbit would not be a good idea.
10) The picture says it all!

11) I am still a Karaoke virgin
12) Visit Kew Gardens – I will get there one day, I went to Exbury Gardens though.
13) Learn to salsa dance – Not exactly but I rocked dance floors with other moves
14) Read Jane Austen’s novels –I will cosy down over the winter in front of my open fire and read them
15) Trace my family tree – I think my aunty is doing this so I thought I wouldn’t interfere.
16) Go to a murder mystery party – A dead end.
17) Eat at a sushi restaurant – I blame my pregnant vegetarian friend for this failure.
18) Go to a Silent Disco - I couldn’t hear it to find it.
19) Buy a corset – I will squish into one when I can afford to
20) Spend a weekend in Liverpool - I had a weekend Brighton!?!
21) Skinny Dipping – Will perhaps leave this until next summer. A bit Bbbrrrrr! Right now.
22) Hold a slow worm! I did indeed – just here
23) Girlie night in London – We didn’t make it to a club on my birthday but we had a lovely dinner and cocktails in Covent Garden. I am sure there will be plenty more opportunities.
24) Learn to play poker – I tried to learn and was promised a lesson but opponent cheated at another card game.
25) Becoming Marketing Director – I had my promotion in July and new business cards in August.
26) Get Zimele UK registered – We are so very close to this and although not within my timescale we will be registered by February next year due to a lot of hard work and commitment by the trustees and volunteers.
27) Sell one of my paintings –I haven’t painted any to sell! I like mine all too much,
28) White Water Rafting – I think this would scare me more than the skydive; perhaps I need to do this somewhere exotic though!
29) Have a holiday – Went to Greece in July, more on my travel blog
30) Make five new friends – Well, this and my skydive challenge have been the most rewarding. Through the wonderful world of Twitter I have met (virtually) some fabulous interesting people, who have made me smile, laugh and who have given support when I have felt down. Some I have met in person and some I hope to meet. I think the power of twitter was shown last week when @diaryofaledger completed a tweetathon. The level of support was amazing and many were left overwhelmed with what was achieved. I still get a little choked up when I read Gray’s blog.

So all in all, I haven’t achieved all that I hoped to, but more importantly I am happy and content and can say I fit quite well into category 4! And I know that there is plenty of good times ahead and I am welcoming my ‘Flirty Thirties’ with open arms and a big Tequila!

The Message

My fingers type a smile
predictive pulses thumb a blush
anticipation
of words replied

Thoughts to times gone by
pen to paper
distance
of delayed devotion

Today the answer
leaves no time
desire
at the press of return

Leaves, acorns and ice cream

Autumn is my favourite time of year. I love the smells, the colours and the way it makes me feel. After the sticky heat of summer and the previous busy 9 months (that seemed to have flown by) the fresh earthy breeze and low summer sun fills me with a sense of contentment. And for the first time in a very long time, I feel content with myself – who I am and what I have.

At the weekend I drove to Oxford and on a blustery day, my journey was adorned with golden leaves, whether falling from the sky like rain or spinning in a whirlwind in a hidden corner of a college wall. As I watched the leaves I felt warmth.There was a great feeling in Oxford with university students moving into new accommodation – some returning for another year, others beginning a new chapter of their lives. You could feel the apprehension and excitement. Sat in sunshine outside a popular pub, I watched parents carrying boxes of belongings – the contents of a bedroom ready to fill a new space of independence. Mothers ‘clucking’ with maps in their hands, and fathers keeping the calm whilst bursting with pride. There were the cool students with eclectic style, those in tweed and flat caps and girls looking like they were fresh from the Joules catalogue. I felt excited for them and envious for the experiences ahead of them. It was good to be there.

Another reason I love autumn is for the pigs. Yes, the pigs. Living so close to the New Forest means that when the pigs are out in the forest eating the acorns so the ponies don’t eat them, I can go on a little piggy hunt (which I do most years!) A weekend ago, I took the girlies on an afternoon trip to the forest in hunt of some pink porkies – which we found just outside Brockenhurst. They were too cute. Heading across the forest we stopped on the Ornamental Drive for an ice cream, sitting in the low sunshine with the smell of firs, enjoying the last of the afternoon sun.

The Girlies and their ice-creams

I am managing to do all the things that I want to do, with pretty much no thought to anyone else and what anyone may think. It feels good. I am happy and content with what I have, what I am doing and where I am going. Suddenly turning 30 in 10 day’s time doesn’t seem so bad and I am left wondering what all my previous fussing was about.