Time will wait

Time is a funny thing. We own it yet we give it away without thinking. We live our lives at the mercy of time, always having to be here there and everywhere.

It occurred to me, or rather it was pointed out to me on Friday that I am not bothered by the time.

I always used to be. I used to panic and become so stressed if I was late. If we (as in the ex and I) had to be somewhere at a certain time - even if it was just chilled drinks with friends, I would precision plan so we were there dot on time. However, we never were, and despite the stresses and planning, we were always late.

Our house, which is now my house was covered with clocks. Every room had one that ticked and chimed. We have weather stations with digital clocks in the bedroom, spare room and lounge. The ex would ensure that the clocks were accurate to the second, often dialling the speaking clock to get it right.

On Friday, I hosted a comedy night with the lovely Grant Sharkey on his Calm Down tour - basically he is going to people's living rooms and performing comedy. It was fab and I loved having all the girls over, cooking for the masses, drinking and having a giggle. As well as Grant, we had Simon, The Mentalist who confused and baffled the hell out of us with his tricks and mind reading. It was Simon who pointed the time thing out to me by saying: 'Do you realise that not one of your clocks in your house has the right time?'
I stood and thought; he was right. At the time he was stood in front of the oven which has a clock and the microwave is above it. Both clocks tell different wrong times. The only remaining 'tick tock... Ding dong' clock which the ex was kind enough to leave behind hasn't been wound up for months and is set on 2.40... Am or pm, I will never know. I also don't wear a watch. My bedroom does not have a clock and the clock in my car is wrong.

The only objects I have with the correct time is my phone and computer.

Yet, I am so efficient with my time and I am hardly ever late. I take the attitude of 'I will be there when I get there' and I generally am on time (I have a few friends who may disagree!)

I refuse to let time stress me out. Things happen as they are meant to and when they are meant to. By busting a gut to be there early isn't going to speed things along.

And if the clocks go back or forward and you wake not having the foggiest at what the time is, do what I did and ask Twitter (and then call my mum to double check)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Roots of Me

This weekend has been a good one. I have done all the things that I love doing and which make me who I am. Another sign that things are falling back into place and I am getting there. Here is how I have spent the weekend:

• Having Flossy over to stay, the banter and giggles and then being reminded about my individuality or what she describes as 'poor dress sense'.
• Coffee in the sunshine of a gorgeous new coffee house in town where I adore the owners and where I will be spending many Saturdays reading the papers and supping coffee.
• Giving my mum a bunch of flowers and seeing her smile and reminded that she is special.
• Baking cakes for friends to enjoy over a cuppa and a overdue natter.
• Pottering about the house, tidying, faffing, moving things, cleaning and generally being a bit houseproud.
• Spending hours gardening and seeing Spring take over the borders.
• Chinese takeaway with Nanny C and a good natter.

(Please note that 'work' does not feature - I have had a whole weekend off!)

I also did things that a while ago, and even a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been bothered to do. Little things that were overwhelming me, I have cracked on and got it sorted. I changed a plug - the first time I have ever done that and instead of running to someone else and claiming my inability and uselessness, I had a go and did it. And when the flymo started, I might have done a little victory dance.

And then I thought about needing someone else and how things had changed. A few years ago I had someone else in my life who would fix things, cut the grass, tidy the garage, wash cars etc. Now I do it all and although there is still a lot more I could do, I feel quite proud of myself for doing and coping as I do.

I was thinking all this whilst taking a breather in the garden and I thought about how life is like a garden. Sometimes we plant seeds, we water and look after them in hope that they will grow into something beautiful. Sometimes they don't and sometimes they get so far, perhaps a few shoots and then something out of our control affects them and they fade. We never know why, we just accept it and try again, but the next time changing the variables to give it the best possible chance. Sometimes we plant shrubs and perennials which start as pretty blooms to give colour and zest. They are meant to withstand and they are meant to return year on year but not all of them do. Sometimes the environment just isn't good enough to keep them flourishing.

We are forever pruning and cutting back but sometimes not hard enough. We are just taking the tips and ends off which is ok for a while but it can promote growth in the wrong direction with new shoots left, right and centre. We need to not be scared and be more ruthless to cut back hard. Let what is underneath breathe and see the sunlight so that new life can grow from the core.

When all the old and dead has gone from the previous season and new shoots start to encourage colour, we all feel lighter, brighter and can enjoy the space much better. Every season we learn something new and there is always tendering that can be done.

Distance

I can't remember if I read this somewhere, whether it was on a film or maybe someone said it to me, but it has stuck in my mind:

Sometimes, the longest journey is the distance between two people.

I have been thinking about this a lot recently and how vast areas of space can become wedged between two people, pushing them further and further apart. How we can live our lives with someone, share the same house, bed and lifestyle yet be so far apart that bridges are too hard to build. We become stuck in our ways and routines, gently plodding along not realising that our steps are taking us away from what we really want and desire. When we notice how far we have come along a particular road, we try to take short cuts and turn at junctions which although may seem like a fun new destination, the journey will always have to be continued. Distance has to be covered until we stop, turn around and see how far we have drifted from the person that we loved and from ourselves, and this is when we realise that we have been travelling alone. The distance is now too great that we do not recognise them, time and space has distorted faces. We have a choice as to whether to make the long journey back, ironing out the bumps in the road along with way or whether the journey ends.

Sometimes distance is all there is. There has been no moving away or coming together. It just exists as a black hole - a space of unknown from the very start and one that closes when the time is right.

The long and short of Twitter

I put this on a shared blog but the more I read it the more I like it.

*******

140 characters to create a new you
A timeline of words
To hide behind

140 characters to say what you need
Attention, comfort
A sense of being

140 characters to break lives
Fake hellos
Twisted goodbyes

140 characters to fall in love
Words flirt
Emotions intense

140 characters to make new friends
Soul mates to care
Hands to hold

140 characters is sometimes all I have.

Spring

The sun dances on my skin like soft kisses
across my shoulders on a Sunday morning
Bright yellow rays tease my eyelids as a spring whisper
blows through my scarlet hair.
Outside harmonies sing smiles
life awakens and fills my lungs
with a new day
and hope of another chance

Thinking back thinking of you

We all have songs that mean something to us; whether it be the lyrics, the melody or the memory that it evokes, reminding us of happier times or perhaps of the hard times and the fact that we have come so far. There are a few songs that remind me of particular times when decisions had to be made or had been made,and that when I listened to the lyrics I felt was being given a wake up call.

I heard one of the songs today and it didn't make me feel sad or low, it made me feel strong. I have been thinking of writing about these for a while so in my effort of being more organised and cracking on with the 'to-do list', here are three songs which mean something to me:

1. Dakota by Stereophonics
(Well there had to be one 'Phonics song!) As soon as I got the LSVO album, I fell in love with Dakota. At the time I was recovering from a very low period. I had been suffering from anxiety and stress following an infection I had picked up in Thailand. I lost all confidence in myself and simple things such as Christmas shopping with my mum in Decemeber 2004 would send me in to panic attacks with a fear of being in public. I underwent numerous tests and examinations as well as counselling and mentoring in an effort to get back to myself. By the time LSVO came out in February 2005, I was getting there. I remember wearing my candy pink mac and driving to a meeting with the Spring sun starting to show itself, snowdrops and daffodils beginning to show colour. I had the window open and was singing at the top of my lungs and I rememember feeling alive and strong and that things were getting better. And they did.




2. With Every HeartBeat by Robyn
This was more about the lyrics in particular: 'We can keep trying but things will never change.' In the summer of 2006, I found out that my boyfriend of 10 years and who I had bought a house with was cheating on me. My world fell apart. I didn't do what most do in that situation - kick him in the balls and throw him out, I didn't want to let go and couldn't, so for 18 months we spun around in a circle of continued lies and pain. Every time I knew they were still in touch I would leave or he would, but then the promises of making it work would come and we would try again. I lost count of the amout of times we tried. When this song came out, I felt that the lyrics were telling me what to do but I ignored and tried to get my world back, like Robyn sings 'Maybe we can make it alright' I was too scared to be alone. But, at the end of 2007 I couldn't take it anymore, I had reached a level of mental and phyisical exhaustion, I had wanted him to decided and pull his head out of his arse and do the right thing, he couldn't so I did and he left. From then on I focused on the lyrics: 'And I don't look back' and yes it did hurt with every step I took away from an old life to a new, but it made me stronger and I have never looked back since.



3. Broken Strings by James Morrison
Again, this was a telling song for me that a relationship couldn't continue, that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, that if trust is broken and if as individuals you are broken souls then no matter what you do, no matter how you hide and fill the cracks you can't make something better. When you know that you have done all you can, when you have remained true to yourself, if you know isn't right then you stand tall, be strong and walk away.



There are so many more but these make me stop and think about how I came through things. I know there is a song on the horizon to help me through this dip. Each day is a stronger one and as I get back to myself I know there will be a song to remind me that I did it.

Tired

Tired eyes with salty streams
Rivers of emotion
Hearts sink and hopes drown
Tides of pain
Vicious currents pull and push
words twist with deceit
Tired eyes with salty streams
is all I have