Normal People has left me mourning love. Again.

Every now and then, a series or film comes along and completely knocks me off my feet. I lose complete balance and emotional stability and feel, just for a short while that I have un done all the hard work of recent years, and I am back to where I was before.

Normal People, the adaptation of Sally Rooney's novel has done exactly that.

I have pretty much binge watched it on one go, watching 10 of the 12 episodes on Saturday evening and the two remaining as soon as I woke this morning on Sunday.
I think I also dreamt about it, or at least that the feelings it was stirring. The empathy for complicated and undeniable connection were the main storylines in my dreams.

Today I feel the immense sense of loss. I have spent hours this morning in tears. I journaled in an attempt to get to the bottom of why the beautifully directed series, the exquisite acting and heart-wrenching storyline has got to me so much.

The only reason I can come up with is because I know how it feels. Because I believe that I had that level of connection. The type where a touch and look is so intense that there is nothing else.
It was the connection that left me uprooting my world and moving, because feelings that intense and strong, of being able to get through anything together were so real and couldn't be wrong.

But they never lasted. We never lasted.

That connection was found elsewhere for him. Or at least I would hope it was because otherwise, was it worth it? It's the type of connection where your soul knows that it is right and every thing becomes effortless and just full of admiration, desire.. love.  That's how it was for me. Certainly the first few years. We spent so much time apart that perhaps that's the reason the connection was so strong when he would visit. Our bubble felt impenetrable back then.

So as I finished watching the series and seeing the decisions that Connell and Marianne make - and the never knowing if they make it after New York. I feel empty.  Part of me felt disappointed that there was no happy ending.  But then life isn't always happy endings, is it?

Normal People, I think is so true for many of us who have loved whole heartedly. Who have been genuine, brave and taken courage to believe in love and happily ever afters. It's that connection that speaks without words, that builds without touch and which causes pain because we feel so much for one another.

Perhaps watching it whilst on lockdown has heightened the feelings of loneliness and made the big hole of human connection even darker. But then, (and this leads me onto another emotion I am riding out) the lockdown for me hasn't really changed my life. The only element that is different is that there is no school so I have V all day to try and home school also.

Since he left, we have been in our own little bubble. I don't have anyone to share the load, to help, to tag team with. It's not just the physical and the actual 'doing' of everything, it is the mental, emotional support of having another adult, an actual human in the house, someone to talk to, laugh with and when tough days happen, to be there with a cuddle, a word or encouragement, of 'well done', or 'WE'VE got this'.

Again, it is that connection between two people where either one doesn't need to ask for help, where a 'cup of tea' can say so much (something Connell and Marianne drink a lot of!) and then that comfort of warmth and skin on skin when the end of the day comes. That embrace in bed as your bodies relax and sink into each other, deep breaths as you breathe together exhaling the day's madness, knowing that together you've done it, and that tomorrow you will too.

I desperately miss that.

So thank you Normal People helping me to dig deep into my soul and realise that I am still heartbroken and mourning. But I know what I need to find again and I know not to settle for anything less.

Letters of mistrust

To Him,

I loved you. Hand on heart I loved you like I have never loved another.
Even to the end. I fought, I changed and I denied myself of who I am meant to be. For you.

Yet you lied. More than once, more than a dozen times. You lied to my face, whilst looking into my eyes. You lied to my heart when I asked you to swear on your daughters.

If you were to look in my eyes and ask me, you'd know the truth. And deep down you do know, it was never me. Yes I could have done better - but that is life and we always should be striving to do better. But you know none of the things you have painted of me, are true. And that is something you will always have shame for.

To Her,

Utterly disappointed in the human that you are. You were my friend; I considered you my closest friend in a new place and I told you everything.

You used that against me.  You have used my words, twisted my pain and moulded emotion into a truth that suits you and your story. A truth that covers up what you have done and what you are still doing, as something that is ok.

It isn't.  Far from it.

You comforted me, you were there with biscuits, tea, hugs and words of love, friendship and motivation.
And then later that night, or the following weekend, you'd be off meeting with him.
So many coincidences of him knowing things. So may coincidences of you being in places.

How dare you take my happy ever after away.  That is not what friends do.

You lied to my face and made lies about me to cover your own shame.

And worst of all, how dare you break my little girl's heart.

To you both,

Leopards never change their spots.

Patterns repeat.

Karma is a bitch.

You've broken several hearts, some of which are too small and pure to understand but one day they will.

People respect those who tell the truth. You will never understand the damage you have done.

Bedtime brain dumping

I’ve pushed boundaries today. I replaced fear with excitement  and I did it anyway. 

There was no fear of judgment and I felt free. 

But that was because my hand was held.

I’m not sure how I feel and I’m trying to make sense of what is swirling in my mind. I’m asking the questions, “what is it I need to know from this?” and “what does this feeling tell me?”

Is it fear of what’s next? I don’t think so.

Is it regret? Definitely not - I don’t do those.

Is it guilt? perhaps but I don’t know why. Or do I? 

Is it sadness? No but it feels close to that. It’s more of a longing. That something today felt so much like something used to. And I miss it. I was teased with what I crave. But left wanting something different.

Is it hurt? Yes. I still feel the hurt and pain. I am still haunted by dreams - with my most recent last night which resulted in me shouting out in my sleep and crying. My dream of double betrayal is going to haunt me for a while. 

I feel stuck. Part of me knowing that what I crave can’t be. Because there’s someone more important, and whose needs come first. Will it always be like this?  Am I just to accept that little and not so often is how it is. And that consistency never comes when there is too much time. 

One thing I know, is that this isn’t about how I feel about myself.

That’s one part I’ve nailed. 

Why is this time different? Because I was not in control. 

That’s it. What I’m feeling is a little derailed and not in control. Logic is not involved. 

It’s that area of grey and the various shades of. 

Right now

Right now I want to pick up my phone

and message;

I love you.

Because I still do.

Deeply. 

I have no idea why. 

Even after all these months.

My heart rules my mind

my heart still loves you.

I have been thinking of days driving across the country to see you. The excitement, the adrenaline and anticipation of seeing you at your door. Your eyes. Oh, those eyes. Your kiss, which had waiting for weeks to touch mine. The need and want of our skin dancing under each other's touch.

I stood on your doorstep today. You looked at home. But all I could think about was stepping in and holding you.

I have been thinking about lazy mornings that could have been and the difference it would have made.  Like the early days.

You come to my door. I want to invite you in. I want to know how you are. I am interested in your training. I want to know how you are feeling about your challenge, do you feel ready.
I want to know if you are happy. If you think of me and if so, what do you think?
Are you angry with me... do you regret us?

I dream of days laying in fields with you, cuddling by a river, dancing in open spaces as the sunsets. I dream of our adventure being the one WE dreamed.

Right now I want to tell you so much. 

I want to see you laugh. 

I want to make you smile. 

I want to love you. 

Grief

Today my heart feels incredibly heavy.  I have a physiological response to you not being here.
I wonder if this is just the feeling of grief. The grief of losing someone who is still alive and who I long to hold and desperate to have a conversation with.
I can think of nothing other than how much I miss. My heart is constantly sending reminders which my mind can then not let go of. I am scared of losing my memories, and a time when I can no longer remember the softness of your lips, the feel of your skin, your smell and sound of your laugh. It is breaking me.

This weekend was hard. I said 'Happy Birthday' because I will not stop caring. Why should I change the kindness I have?

I've a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Both twisting at what I think might be. At the coincidences that appear.

I miss you so so much.

A beautiful feeling

Slowly and gradually, you are disappearing.
At first I needed to surround myself with you - your face, your smell, the little things.
It was almost as though I needed to make my heart hurt even more. I punished myself with keeping you close.
It still hurts. I still miss you. I miss our skin meeting, touching. I miss the warmth of you and I miss your smile. But the smile of years gone by. The smile that made my heart melt. I still love you and I think I always will. You gave me everything I had ever wanted. You.
But then you also took it way.
Slowly, you are taking less space in my heart and you are no longer a full time tenant in my mind.
I have taken down the photos. I have packed away little reminders that you loved me once.
This week I had a moment of feeling immense happiness. The sun was shining, I was breathing the spring air and I know I have all that I need.
I felt gratitude for the life I have. I am starting to love life again.
And it is beautiful feeling.

Reaching for you

Last night I had a dream:

I was in bed asleep, in that hazy, drifting slumber when you can't work out where you are.
Someone got into my bed, they were on the edge but I felt the heat from their skin.
I reached out and felt an arm as a hand reached back to me. Fingertips on my skin, barely touching but I knew it was you.
I wanted to pull you closer, I reached more to find you and I called your name.
Your name repeating on my lips as I tried to find you.

I woke myself up by calling your name aloud.