I want to get back into writing creatively but at the moment, I do not have the head space to string words together the way I would like, so for now, the blog is back to being a dumping ground and my emotional filing cabinet.
I am not very good at talking about what is in my head but give the me tools to write and it will all fall out and at the moment I need to this.
So, after my post about Things as they are at the beginning of September where I had been for an ultrasound and been told my left, remaining ovary wasn't 'normal' and being refused for funding to have any eggs frozen as a back-up-plan, I have been thrown back into the system.
Last Wednesday I had a laparoscopy, which is a camera in through the belly button to have a look around. I was under GA again and this time, knowing what to expect I tried to fight the icy cold liquid as they pumped it in through my veins. Obviously you can't fight it and I won't up two hours later on a morphine high. I spent a few hours in recovery again - I am clearly unable to manage any level of pain as I was watching women come in and out of recovery whilst I was still laying there with the world spinning. After getting back to the day surgery ward and sleeping of the GA and the morphine I was visited by my consultant who told me that I have a 5cm cyst on my left ovary so it will all have to come out. He said he wanted to see me within two weeks and then left. I think I fell back to sleep.
Back at home that evening it all started to sink in. Whilst he said that he will write to the fertility clinic to get the Hampshire Primary Care Trust to review their decision following the new findings, I now have massive doubts that any of this is actually going to come together.
Thursday and Friday were hard. I peeled off one of the dressings on my belly and cried. I do not have a small little incision, I have a gash that has been stitched poorly and left me with a ridge of skin, I looked and felt like I have been butchered.
And whilst friends were meeting and supporting Twitter Friend Gray on his awesome Tweetathon, all I could do was watch. It was the IOW Festival all over again - me being unable to move, in pain whilst friends were together having a good time. But I sucked it up and did what I could from my bed to help the fantastic cause.
Now one of the things that I extremely grateful for, is having a friend who is a medical student. In her final year, Peta has been an absolute star in helping me to understand what the big words on pieces of paper mean. She has come along to nearly all of my appointments and explained what consultants are actually saying. Last night, over dinner she was reading my discharge notes and what was actually found last Wednesday and told me exactly what it meant. In the most simplest form; I don't think my insides are very baby-making friendly. Words such as: bulky uterus, polypoidal endometrium, adhesions, nodularity etc mean that my insides are a bit of a mess, let alone Derek's bastard love child growing on my left ovary which has grown to golf-ball size in less than two months.
Talking with Carl last night, who has been an absolute rock of support we were discussing the what ifs and some decisions that might have to be made. Do we want to get eggs or an embryo frozen and implanted at a later stage knowing that my insides are not very welcoming and may not work. Do we do it as a back up knowing that egg stimulation and the whole process can be painful and if unsuccessful - heartbreaking? Do I go with my gut instinct that I will not be able to have a child naturally and request to have it all taken out?
There are so many questions and so much to think about. I have another appointment with the consultant on the 18th November when I will hopefully know more and understand what needs to happen. My head is full with the what ifs and the thing that makes me the saddest is that I might not be able to give my mum the grandchild she craves. I mean naturally as we have already discussed adoption and if I can't have children then this is what we will do - there are far too many babies out there needing to be loved.
There is also work to think about. It is almost certain that I will have to be cut open again to have the cyst removed and that it won't be able to be done through key-hole. This will be another six-weeks recovery time and maybe longer as it is only 6months since the first operation, let alone the two little holes and one gash I have in my tummy from last week. Hopefully though it will be OK as I will have my apprentice with me AKA Flossy who starts full time with me next week as The Marketing Collective's Junior Marketing Executive. I can not wait. Not only working with my sister but also the pressure it takes of me and the projects and work that I know we will be able to achieve. She has helped me for the last couple of years and knows the business. She is confident and I know she is going to do extremely well. There will be ground rules and I will be her boss and not her sister during office hours - for me as much as for her! I fully expect to see her on The Apprentice in a few years!
Wow, this feels better; 'stuff' is out of my head. I know all will be OK and as it is meant to be. I am strong and I have an amazing support network around me so what ever will be - will.