The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Last week wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Which is good; with two hospital appointments I feared that the week would lead to some very difficult decisions having to be made. Decisions that I had already started to work through and partly arrived at.

The Good

Wednesday's appointment with the fertility clinic was the one I feared the most. Expecting to hear that my body is not hospitable enough to conceive naturally or grow a baby, I was told that they saw no reason why a) I would not get funding for IVF this time round due to the remaining ovary having to be removed and b) that my uterus is healthy and should be good to grow and carry.

*breathes massive side of relief*

After hearing that decision and knowing that a report is going back to the PCT to request funding, I felt a little more optimistic about my appointment with my consultant on Friday. I like Mr Metcalf, he is always very straight forward, explains things well and is genuinely nice. I feel lucky to have such a consultant on my side. He told us that, most importantly, I have time. The next operation does not have to happen imminently and that it can wait for the ivf treatment so that we do have the 'back up'. Now all we need is the ivf treatment to come through quickly.

The Bad

Both appointments, whilst lifting a little weight off my shoulders, also imprinted some concern at the back of my mind. IVF isn't always successful and I know that this one round will be my only chance at having my own child.

The biopsies from my last procedure shows that there are cell changes in other parts of my pelvis and whilst they aren't bad cells, they are the same as Derek (borderline tumor cells)and an area of concern. So to ensure that these don't spread any further I will not only be having my remaining left ovary and tubes removed, also my peritoneum and omentum as the cells are littered throughout.

The Ugly

It is almost as though Derek cocked his leg before he left and sprayed my insides, marking his territory. The next operation will therefore be a big one and not as keyhole like I had hoped. They will go in though my current scar and up higher this time so above my belly-button. They will cut the current scar out and once done and they have taken everything, they will pull it all together and sew me up - I guess a bit like a tummy-tuck but the scar will be bigger and along with the two recent keyhole scars, my stomach will look at bit of a mess.

The thought of another big operation, days in hospital and 6-weeks recovery absolutely scares the crap out of me but I know it has to happen. But what scares me more is that to ensure the cells are all gone for good and to stop the spread I was told I may have to have some rounds of chemotherapy. That word makes my insides quiver but I am glad I know the whole process so I can prepare and hopefully, the operation will be enough.

This week, we also found out that my nan has cancer. I am not sure which type but it is 'down there' and she is having to have a full hysterectomy. At the moment we are waiting for a MRI to if and how much it has spread. She could end up as a patient with Mr Metcalf also, depending on the type and stage of cancer. All horrible and very upsetting but I know she will be in good hands.

The next 6 months are going to be very hard for us as a family. We all have our fears and we are all trying to prepare.

My head... this second.

Do I stay on Twitter or not?

Do I keep my left ovary or have it removed?

Do we attempt a round of ivf or have it as (it seems) how nature intended?

Do I have it all taken out?

What about early menopause?

I need to remember to reply to that text...

Will HRT make me grumpy... how will it change me?

How do I deal with not being able to have children?
Do I need to keep talking about it?

Should I stop expecting people to understand?

I need to reply to him

Why hasn't anyone been in touch?

How am I going to pay the mortgage next month?

Must remember to call Dad...

There is no food for dinner

What if adoption takes too long?

What if I resent my friends, siblings when they have children?

What if the new cyst grows as fast as the other

Can I take another 6 weeks off for more surgery?

I need to reply to email

Who will look after me?

Who will run my business?

What if the girls don't like me?

What if I get homesick?

How am I going to do this?

I spy

The playground never dies
Fickle games and hidden lies
The race never ends
Fast pace fewer friends
The stories forever told
He said what? Her response cold
The twisting tales continue
A whisper to another - the facts untrue.
The playground never dies
No matter the age, there are always spies.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just an update for now.....

I have almost given up trying to update this blog with the trials and tribulations of my never ending health issues.

I want to get back into writing creatively but at the moment, I do not have the head space to string words together the way I would like, so for now, the blog is back to being a dumping ground and my emotional filing cabinet.

I am not very good at talking about what is in my head but give the me tools to write and it will all fall out and at the moment I need to this.

So, after my post about Things as they are at the beginning of September where I had been for an ultrasound and been told my left, remaining ovary wasn't 'normal' and being refused for funding to have any eggs frozen as a back-up-plan, I have been thrown back into the system.

Last Wednesday I had a laparoscopy, which is a camera in through the belly button to have a look around. I was under GA again and this time, knowing what to expect I tried to fight the icy cold liquid as they pumped it in through my veins. Obviously you can't fight it and I won't up two hours later on a morphine high. I spent a few hours in recovery again - I am clearly unable to manage any level of pain as I was watching women come in and out of recovery whilst I was still laying there with the world spinning. After getting back to the day surgery ward and sleeping of the GA and the morphine I was visited by my consultant who told me that I have a 5cm cyst on my left ovary so it will all have to come out. He said he wanted to see me within two weeks and then left. I think I fell back to sleep.

Back at home that evening it all started to sink in. Whilst he said that he will write to the fertility clinic to get the Hampshire Primary Care Trust to review their decision following the new findings, I now have massive doubts that any of this is actually going to come together.

Thursday and Friday were hard. I peeled off one of the dressings on my belly and cried. I do not have a small little incision, I have a gash that has been stitched poorly and left me with a ridge of skin, I looked and felt like I have been butchered.

And whilst friends were meeting and supporting Twitter Friend Gray on his awesome Tweetathon, all I could do was watch. It was the IOW Festival all over again - me being unable to move, in pain whilst friends were together having a good time. But I sucked it up and did what I could from my bed to help the fantastic cause.

Now one of the things that I extremely grateful for, is having a friend who is a medical student. In her final year, Peta has been an absolute star in helping me to understand what the big words on pieces of paper mean. She has come along to nearly all of my appointments and explained what consultants are actually saying. Last night, over dinner she was reading my discharge notes and what was actually found last Wednesday and told me exactly what it meant. In the most simplest form; I don't think my insides are very baby-making friendly. Words such as: bulky uterus, polypoidal endometrium, adhesions, nodularity etc mean that my insides are a bit of a mess, let alone Derek's bastard love child growing on my left ovary which has grown to golf-ball size in less than two months.

Talking with Carl last night, who has been an absolute rock of support we were discussing the what ifs and some decisions that might have to be made. Do we want to get eggs or an embryo frozen and implanted at a later stage knowing that my insides are not very welcoming and may not work. Do we do it as a back up knowing that egg stimulation and the whole process can be painful and if unsuccessful - heartbreaking? Do I go with my gut instinct that I will not be able to have a child naturally and request to have it all taken out?

There are so many questions and so much to think about. I have another appointment with the consultant on the 18th November when I will hopefully know more and understand what needs to happen. My head is full with the what ifs and the thing that makes me the saddest is that I might not be able to give my mum the grandchild she craves. I mean naturally as we have already discussed adoption and if I can't have children then this is what we will do - there are far too many babies out there needing to be loved.

There is also work to think about. It is almost certain that I will have to be cut open again to have the cyst removed and that it won't be able to be done through key-hole. This will be another six-weeks recovery time and maybe longer as it is only 6months since the first operation, let alone the two little holes and one gash I have in my tummy from last week. Hopefully though it will be OK as I will have my apprentice with me AKA Flossy who starts full time with me next week as The Marketing Collective's Junior Marketing Executive. I can not wait. Not only working with my sister but also the pressure it takes of me and the projects and work that I know we will be able to achieve. She has helped me for the last couple of years and knows the business. She is confident and I know she is going to do extremely well. There will be ground rules and I will be her boss and not her sister during office hours - for me as much as for her! I fully expect to see her on The Apprentice in a few years!

Wow, this feels better; 'stuff' is out of my head. I know all will be OK and as it is meant to be. I am strong and I have an amazing support network around me so what ever will be - will.

Maple Stars

Yellow maple stars fall from the sky

Blustery angles and sweeping breezes

I want to be walking

With the stars amongst my feet

The ground rich with colour

The air sweet in smell

If I could catch a falling maple star

I would make a wish

That you are by my side

With our own little stars to watch

Birthday treats

It has taken me a week to find the time to sit down and write about what an amazing birthday I had last weekend.

I love October (and that isn't just because of it being my birth month) because everything smells, feels and looks different, almost more relaxed. October is perfect for bumbling around cities, going for walks, dinner with friends, having afternoon tea and inhaling proper home-cooked, home-grown food complemented with a nice deep glass of red wine.

And I did all of this to celebrate my 32nd Birthday, here are some highlights:

My amazing hand-drawn birthday card from Carl with the message: 'When a Geek makes a cake, he uses a plan, not a recipe' And what cakes he made too! 20 delicious and beautifully decorated cupcakes - he had the help of a few of the girls and by what I gather there was some production line in process full of glitter, icing and pigs! But they were amazing.

My extra special and ultra amazing present from Carl was a laser-cut print from my favourite Artist, Rob Ryan along with a Thank you card and note from Rob himself. Absolutely stunning and very overwhelming - I am one very lucky girl.

And to finish the Rob Ryan theme and the continuing list of thoughtful pressies from my family and friends, Lucy and Ally bought me his latest book, 'A Sky Full of Kindness', a beautiful bedtime story that in no doubt will leave me in tears. I can see it being a book that I will read to my children and grandchildren which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

The weekend was truly special and I have never felt so spoilt and loved.

Thank you to my Mr Man Carl, my family and my lovely girlies and friends.

P.s... Can we all do it again soon? x

Survival

She must be scared and she must be overwhelmed with sadness at what may happen. She is stuck in the middle; her child and the one she vowed to be with for the rest of her life.

History is repeating itself. Her first born flew as soon as her wings were ready; never looking back.

Fight or flight.

This time it is not as easy, the young is his own flesh and blood. He wants to protects, he tries to love but doesn't understand the beauty of unconditional love. He rages and torments, never seeing good, only finding the bad. The young reacts. She is strong-minded (much like him) and fights her corner with uncontrolled tone. The tension builds and the air thickens as the house becomes smaller.

Fight or flight.

And all the time, she looks on - stuck and unheard.