Sometimes so much can happen in the space of a week that it feels longer than just seven days.
I am still none the wiser or clearer on where my head is or where it should be. Maybe I should stop trying then it will come.
I saw M on Tuesday, he came to me armed with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever received and a card with the most perfect words on how he feels. I didn't feel pressured by any means; it just felt so nice. We talked, and I was able to voice my thoughts on us being different and how sometimes you can compromise on things but others are deal breakers and those things are harder because ultimately, you are asking someone to change their values and beliefs. It made sense. He said he would wait for me.
So, we are having some space and time out, it is so horrible being responsible for someone's feelings - to know you are the reason that they cry, to know that you have made them vulnerable. I haven't heard from M since Wednesday, it seems like a lifetime and I am missing him very much. I want to know how he is and what he has been up to but I need to be strong and stay away whilst I re-stack and sort my head out.
I saw Madam Faye last night, a clairvoyant with a very infectious laugh. It was all very strange and I felt surprisingly nervous as I parked in her drive and walked towards the front door. She didn't look like Gypsy Lee - no head scarf, hooped earrings or floaty dress with bold patterns, instead she wore black and white and a very low cut top, which when sat at the table meant her boobs rested on the table and I was fronted with an enormous cleavage.
So, I started with my hand on the crystal ball (!!) she told me about the 'spirit guides' that were with me - I was very skeptical as she seemed to describe a nan/gran who could be any one's - I don't know who this lady was as both my nans are very much in the present so was a little miffed.
I am not going to rabble on about what was said, but there are some key points:
1. I have big changes at work and the opportunity for a new role (which I should take) it will mean a lot more responsibility and that I will have to delegate more. TRUE
2. There was a 'man' who hurt me with dishonesty. He spent too long being undecided with me - in her words - he turned me into a monster and damaged me with his lying and cheating. He didn't respect me. TRUE
3. There is a 'nice young man' around me now who I should give a go. He is the total opposite to the other one - very loving, caring, touchy feely and who would dote on me and make me feel feminine again. With him, what you see is what you get. TRUE
These few things were what I went for. She did quite well in describing my brothers and sisters and me as a person - that I think too much, caring, take on other people's problems, artistic (although she said I haven't been recently due to my head space - TRUE - I haven't painted for months)
But, doesn't a gran with white hair, set in curlers, lived for the family, bit of a gossip etc etc relate to most people. Isn't there always a man somewhere down the line who has caused hurt with lies. Isn't there always someone new on the horizon different to the last and don't we all have 'changes' around our job?
The summary was that I should take the new job role and give this man a chance but take it at my own pace as I am not ready for commitment because I have issues I need to get over.
No shit Sherlock.