Monday, 20 April 2009

I have *tissues*

Once again my blog is going to become my emotional filing cabinet, so bear with me, there is going to be a lot of ranting and miserableness from me for a while whilst I get over things.
Why is love so hard? How do you find out the rules of the game and how to play - not only to stay on top form and ensure that you are winning but how not to blow your opponent completely off the board unable to return to the safety of home.

This weekend I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, I still don't know whether it was right and I am still not sure whether I have actually made my mind up. All I know is that love has me in a complete state of disarray. I have found myself reading blogs, forums and articles to find out how you know and what to do, which leaves me wondering whether the act of having to look something up tells me it anyway and that if it isn't smacking me between the eyes, it so obviously is it not there. Or am I choosing not to see it.

My brother got engaged last week and whilst I am happy for him, it scares me. He has known Jenni since New Years Eve, well not even that as they went on the 'first date' a couple of weeks after that. How can he be so sure after so little time? Is it the case of when you know you know, and because I don't know does that mean it is wrong?

Then my best friend has split from her boyfriend of 5 years because she feels she wants more, she can't say exactly what, but whilst she has a feeling that something isn't right and that she isn't complete it is unfair for her to be with Tim. Fair point I think. So, whilst I am not looking for more and I don't spend my time thinking of what Mr Right would be, I do have doubts that M an I are too different sometimes. I don't think that particularly matters that you are different from one another - it can add life and excitement in trying new things, I do worry about it. How are people so sure or unsure?

The worry has fed and ball of confusion, in which I am running like a hamster trying to make a decision - one that is right for both of us. But, I can't. Well I did, and on Friday I think I may have driven for the last time up the M3, round the M25, down the M4 and into London for the last time. There was little talk, just tears, some cuddles and a painful goodbye early Saturday morning. The weekend has been nothing but tears - I have had some distractions: cups of tea with friends, a trip to the garden centre, the digging of new borders in the garden, Mamma Mia (which I found highly irritating but had to finish it)

I am a great believer in time and that things happen for a reason, season or lifetime, hence the name of this blog which (*breaks for the sob) was topic of my first conversation with M. But when do you know? and how do you get so that your heart and head say the same thing? OK, so he is a little bit 'out there' he is very energetic, a little crude and un-pc sometimes, but is is also the most loving person I have ever met, who I know would do anything for me. He is creative and encourages me to write, we like the same music, the same films, we have the same family values but he is a city boy and I am a country girl who likes nothing more than long walks, picnics and time at the seaside. Where do you draw the line under too many differences?

As made apparent through other posts, I have issues turning 30, mainly because I feel my should be more sorted than it is, that I should know. But I don't, so does that answer all my questions and support that I made the right decision?

I am seeing another clairvoyant on Thursday. I am hoping she will help not only with this but also with decisions at work.

Rant over.

Still confused.

3 comments:

Helbel said...

Oh no, it sounds like you are having a bad time of it! I feel like I want to give advice, but I am no expert...I do have experience in long distance relationships, but that might not be the problem, so I don't want to make assumptions. Perhaps that is the advice, no one really knows, you just follow instincts and yours obviously say that you shouldn't be together now. So go with it?!?

Do you trust a clairvoyant to help you, they can be hit and miss?

Good luck,

x hel x

P.s don't worry about being 30 ;0)

emily josephine mcphillips said...

this clip made me feel excited about living today, maybe it'll help you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y0fApA1V_Q

Jo said...

Helen - thanks for the comment, I have seen a clairvoyant before and it all cam true - very very freaky! am just interested in seeing what is said and whether there are similarities.

Emily - thanks for clip - tried listening to it a work but too many distractions, will play it tonight when i have time to absorb!
x